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VOL. 1. 

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 23. 1914. 


At present a Democratic campaign 
is raging worse than the European 
war; we all are acquainted with the 
Democratic Mayor who seems to have 
an excellent chance to win out on one 
of the two tickets he is on — probably 
the meal ticket. The Lewis Club has 
been formed and the officers will do 
all in their power to get him elected, 
both to get in right with the Dean's 
Office and to help out (?) a man who 
has always done his utmost for the 

To be sung to the tune of ' 'tramp, tramp, tramp. " 

Vote, vote, vote for Teddy Lewis, 

He is looking for a pull. 

Prexy says he's the man 

And he'll do the best he can, 

For he's got an everlasting line of bull. 

(Supply the missing word and win Rexall watch.) 

To Professor of X Y Z — 

" If you want your students to ' hurry up ' 
Don't crab 'em like an old sick pup, 
Don't work 'em so hard that they won't get by, 
Or you'll go straight to when you die" 

Grov^r Cleveland, chief of the fire 
department, when interviewed by one 
of the War Cry's reporters explained, 
"The fire losses this year will be con- 
siderably less than in past years — the 
Chem. Building will burn down only 
over my dead body." Some Body. 

The probable selection of the play 
tor the Dramatic Society will be either 
"Damaged Goods," "The Curse of 
Drink," or else "The Trail of the 
Lonesome Cockroach (to be staged at 
the Hash-house). 

Once more we heard the merry 
laughter of the girls with the ming- 
ling of the light fantastic toe to the 

jubilant notes of music, Saturday in 
yonder barn. Remember in the future 
no tripping, slugging or clinching 
allowed, even if you are dancing the 
modern stuff. This means you Sears. 


Butterick carries himself very well 

Spofford wants to know if the Braves 
beat the Boston Nationals. 

Desperate Damon and Mexico Navas 
are mad with one another. 

If the Freshmen want to wrestle let 
them wrestle at one of the Soph's 
arena parties. Ross must get all 

Lastcar from'Hampat 1 1,05. Now 
that's good news for Jackson and 
Susie Dickinson. 

Zabriskie '13 was recently seen on 
the campus. George Washington 
was also a great man. 

Have you noticed the resemblance 
between our circulating manager, 
Gebby Perry, and the figure in the 
Boston Globe on which is written 
"The largest Circulation in New Eng- 

I wonder what M. A. C. will be 

A hundred years from now. 
1 wonder if co-eds will run Old Aggie 

A hundred years from now. 
Thp boys are setting a pace today 
That's turning Prexy's hair gray, 
They're asking for beer to go with hash- 
house rations. 
1 wonder if girls will play foot-ball 

A hundred years from now, 
I wonder if they'll fuss in Draper Hall 

A hundred years from now. 
Will they shock Carrie Nation, 
Cause consternation 

I wonder, and wonder, I wonder how much 
We'll beat both Harvard and Yale 

A hundred years from now. 

Every Knock a Boost/ 



A. X. Petit, Printer, 31 East Pleasant St. 

It is the aim of the War Cry to 
knock every one in college at some 
time or other. As a compensation a 
paper is given free to each one whose 
name appears in any edition. 


Do you realize that you are now 
in the laststage of your college career? 
Think back upon former years — your 
embryo stage when you were noth- 
ing more than green amoeba; fol- 
lowed by the breaking thru from your 
shell and you emerged from your pupa 
stage and cried, "Lo, behold me. I 
thrive on Freshmen." Then after a 
summer's vacation in the White 
Mountains, etc., you returned in the 
full beauty of your manhood, with 

that " I don't give a d expression 

on your faces — for the mighty trium- 
virate: zoo, physics, agronomy, were 
but a shadow of the past to most of 
you. And now you have reached 
full maturity. You are all great and 
exquisite specimens of homo hoboken. 
The Freshmen remove their caps in 
your presence (sometimes) and even 
the faculty cast envious glances at 
you. Wonderful men lead you and 
the rest of the college, such as Gen. 
Mellican, President SuspendersTowne 
and Cheer Leader Leander Farrar, and 
even Herby Cole in spirit. Soon you 
will go out in the world, many to 
become bank presidents, railroad 
magnates, tuxedo agriculturists, and 
some to reach the top rung of the 
ladder of success — town criers. 

Enough, dry your tears and think 
not of it. 


Most of you have decided on your 
majors. You know whether you are 
to be future chemists and are to 
analyze such fertilizers as Hash-house 
food, or whether you will become 
aristocratic landscape gardeners and 
beautify East St. by planting fig 
groves along its boulevards, and by 
building peanut-stands and hot-dog 
counters along its thoroughfare. 

You have your proteges to take care 
of, to feed them on raw meat so that 
they will get vicious enough to 
be "sicked on" the Sophomores — 
who believe not in the art of photo- 
graphy as you believed in it in the 
past. You have a wonderful year 
before you~a Junior banquet, a tree 
planting—in which you break a bottle 
of Horlick's malted milk over the 
primary roots and radicles of the tree. 
Think of June when you will wave 
your handkerchief to bid a sad fare- 
well to the Seniors and cry " Hail to 
me, I am Kink! " 


Try and control your pseudo-feroc- 
ity for a couple of minutes and listen 
to what the War Cry has to say. 
You have a terrible year to go through 
(you realize this without our rubbing 
it in.) The faculty probably does not 
realize that you have enough to do 
breaking up Freshmen pictures, hold- 
ing parades (take it any way you 
please) and arranging arena parties 
and swimming races. But don't 
neglect your studies. Study very 
hard on your tactics as it is the only 
practical course you are taking. Put 
the physics' book under your pillow- 
case each night and dream of cascara 
sagrada, Boyle's law, etc. Learn 
those zoological terms well and some 
day you can become famous compos- 

Every Blow above the Belt." 

ing a new name for some breakfast 
cereal. Remind the Freshmen what 
they wear a cap for— not as an article 
of clothing, but that they may remem- 
ber something in the presence of 
Seniors. Think of the next two years 
of college. You will probably dedi- 
cate a new dormitory, gymnasium, 
or pavillion to the college some day, 
but whatever you do, don't fail to 
drill your senior year, 


Crouch not back nor tremble for 
we are not going to speak harshly. 
You came to us from all parts of the 
country and you have yet much to 
learn and much more to forget. 
Don't fall by the wayside, there will 
be too many companions waiting 
there for you. If you fail to pass col- 
lege life, that's not your fault that's 
the fault of college life. Remember 
that logarithm tables are not bought 
in antique shops but are to be used in 
trig, next semester. Oh, happy hours 
to be! Start now and mind what the 
Soph's tell you, you'll have a chance 
to pass the same line next year, so 
memorize it now. Jump all the 
numerals for coach Dickinson is look- 
ing for high jumpers. If the Sophs 
tell you to clean their rooms remember 
that your own is pretty dirty. Don't 
put your hands in your pockets except 
to pay for the War Cry. 



The sight was enough to turn any- 
one's blood blue—even the red color 
on the end of Dicky Rahar's nose 
^ would have lost its crimson glow and 
2! turned as blue as a bottle of Water- 
ed man's ink. Ah, ha, the train was 
,--< approaching at the speed of Tabby on 
~- his model 1864 bicycle. The girl 
rr stood as if glued to the track so great 

was her fear for the train was only a 
mile and a half away. Yes, fair reader, 
she was doomed. She began to think 
of home and of the gum she had left 
only half chewed under the mantle 
piece. Finally the train appeared 
around the bend. Oh, horrors! 

But she was not to meet her doom. 
Far be it from that. It would be too 
early in the story. There came rush- 
ing on the scene a youth—our hero, 
Al Otta Hairlip. He saw the plight 
of the girl and tossing a coin, cried 
out, " Heads, 1 save her now; tails, I 
return to the town and cry for help." 
The coin came down heads. 

Al Otta ran to the track, he looked 
at the girl. Never before had he seen 
such beauty. Her Creme delMeridor 
complexion, her face more beautiful 
than the basement of North College 
when the janitor has not been on the 
job, her shape slim and tall as 
"Kewpie" Warren, 

After polishing his nails he was 
about to grab the girl and lead her to 
safety, when— oh fates of Kalamazoo, 
he stubbed his tongue which threw 
him off his balance and forced his 
Adam's apple against his cervical ver- 
tebra. They were doomed. He 
looked at her in mutual sympathy 
and murmured " we will die together 
oh sweetest of cauliflower." 

" How dare you address me with- 
out an introduction," she cried in a 
voice as sweet as a bar room fight. 

But the train was close upon them 
they could feel the steam from its 
engine, held their breath, and— no, 
gentle readers, fear not, the catas- 
trophy was prevented for they were 
not on a regular railroad but on the 
B. & M, The train was stopped five 
feet in front of them with a hot-box. 
He grasped her in his arms and 

(To be continued in our next.) 

The chapel has 4 docks on the tower and none 
of them have the same time. 

If your " clock " isn't going right see 

MILLEl 1, the Jewler. 


"Don't Hock it but Millett." 

Don't forget Boys after that last car comes in 
from 'Hamp there is something waiting for you at 



" Open every night till twelve." 

Well boys we won't have any more of the rain- 
bow colored horse flesh at the Hash-House. 

Let's go to 



Scottie :— We need you to help us hem tha 
Germans in on the border and to press the Aus- 
trians close. (Signed) Allies. 

Return telegram. Allies : — Too busy pressing 
for Aggie men. 

"SCOTTIE," the Tailor. 

Ink flows, but Writing Paper is 

Clarke, Pres. Montague, Sec'y. 

Visit our different departments for anything 

from a Shoe-Lace to a Piano. 

Drop in and see why we lead. 



Elevator takes you direct to and from our 


Hager, Buyer. Sanders, Floor-Walker. 

If Omega Oil is King of Pain, what is 
Queen of the Movies ? 

Ask "SHORTY "at 


Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown. 
Crown your bean with one of our 



Two best bets. Braves — world champions. 

Don't lose your rep. and have people think you 

are drunk when you are falling all over your 

feet on account of poorly made shoes. 




It's a feat to fit feet. 


Columbus discovered America, but Met has dis- 
covered the only Bowling Alley and 
Pool Room in town. 

"Beat a retreat to the Rear of Town Hall." 

Webster made the Best Dictionary, and who 
could "pass a better line" than Daniel W. 

Moral:— Have your pictures taken at 

Don't put your pants under the mattress. 
Let Terpsy press them. 

Don't study Biology with the Hash-house 


Come down and dissect one of our Dogs. 



All microscopes and utensils supplied free. 



The Chinaman said " Belly cold, belly cold." 
If he had worn a 


he wouldn't have been cold. 

Germany may be at war 
but not the 



"Hock der Kaiser." 11 Amity St. 


VOL. 1. 

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 30, 1914. 


The War Cry wants to be serious 
for just a few lines anyhow. We 
want to state that we are not trying 
to compete with the Collegian in any 
manner, but our belief is that the 
humorous side of our college life 
should be taken into consideration as 
well as any other side. The Collegian 
gives you the college news; we give 
you three cents worth of fun. 

There's no reason why you shouldn't 
go to the Tufts game. We suggest 
the following: 

1. Abstain from chewing gum and 
bum the makings for one week. 

2. Break into the Amherst Bank. 
You'll get at least enough to carry 
you one way. 

3. Disguise yourself as a peanut 
boy on the train. 

4. Borrow five dollars from the 
Bloke and don't pay it back. 

To an instructor (supply the missing 

Your course may be required by some, 

Your course may be good for the deaf and dumb. 

They couldn't hear the line you hand 

Or swear out loud at you Mr, 

Weather forecast for Friday : — Rain 
and windy. How do we know it 
will be rainy and windy? Because 
Pandomonium always reigns in Ec. 
Soc. 7 and there is always a lot of hot 
air blowing around. 

By the way the honor list is smeared 
up over at yonder Dean's oifice, we 
believe that some of the delinquents 
must have taken the War Cry's 
advice on studying Tactics, College 
Life, etc., and neglected the minor 


(Sung to " If That's Your Idea of a Wonderful 
Time Take Me Home.") 

Now that's our idea of a wonderful 

On to Tufts. On to Tufts. 
We want them to know we are with 

Tho' we fuss at the game with the 

We'll go to Tufts with a ten dollar 

Win and come back with twice as 

much still. 
You can get an idea of our wonderful 




Our offer of a free paper was ac- 
cepted by all whose names appeared, 
excepting George Washington and 
Tabby. Can anyone locate them for 

Open-air shower bath. — Follow the 
fire apparatus next Wednesday morn- 

War Bulletin: — Plaisted has gone 
to fight for the Slavs. Unofficial. 

Southerland '18 wants to know if 
anyone wants to fight. 

Altho the Tufts trip seems like a 
"tough trip" financially, nevertheless, 
dig down and produce. Whether 
you chew tobacco or juggle anvils, 
remember this--" We're going to beat 

Eleanor Bisbee, ex- 15 (with the 
accent on theex) was recently awarded 
the "J " for tennis, "j " stands for 
Jackson not for jujubes. 

"Every Knock a Boost.' 



The " Patsidike Co." 

"Sid" Masse, Editor-in-Cl.ief. 

"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor. 

Ike " Moore, 

Business Manaprer. 

"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby. 
A. X. Petit, Printer, 31 East Pleasant St. 

Sad to relate we fear that Griggs 
'15 has gone wrong. 'Tis said he is 
not posted in Physics. 

Why not hire Panemasik's (or what- 
ever his name is) birds to ring the 
chapel bell instead of the "bird" we 
now have. 

Comments on the War Cry heard 
around the campus and by whom:— 

"The War Cry isn't worth the 
price of three cents. It's outrageous." 
By the guy that would suffocate if it 
cost a nickel to breath fresh air for a 

" The War Cry should not knock 
the people the way it does." By the 
guy that is continually telling his 
friends what the trouble is with the 
football team and how the college 
should be improved. 

"The War Cry's jokes are rotten." 
By the guy that says " 2} skidoo for 
you," etc. 

"The War Cry is great, don't you 
think 80.^ 1 bet Life will go out of 
existence soon. Everybody ought to 
buy the paper." By the Editors of 
the War Cry. 


Dear Miss Delia Dope. 

1 am a handsome, dashing youth 
of 21 and am deeply in love with a 
Smith girl two years my junior. Last 

week was my dear Mabel's birthday 
and I bought her a present of some of 
that high priced perfume, " Lilac de 
Jardiniere " or something like that (2 
bones for a small bottle) and some of 
the finest silk handkerchiefs. I tied 
them both in a package ready to mail 
to her. Unfortunately, I also had a 
small package of my old socks I was 
sending to the Co-op. By mistake I 
sent the bundles to the wrong ad- 
dresses and mailed a card to Mabel as 

" Wlien you wipe your dainty nose with these, 
And breathe this sweet perfumery, 
You can think whate'er you please, 
But I hope 'twill be of me." 

1 didn't find out my mistake until 
the fat girl down at the laundry sent 
me a card of thanks. 

What shall I do ? Waiting to hear 
from you, 

Love in distress, 

Philip McCann. 


Mr. George Scott Fowler '12 will 
be unable to give the hockey team 
his coaching on account of employ- 
ment elsewhere. 

Big Samson '13 is still rooming 
with a Little Sam. They are bringing 
him up on Mellin's Food. 

Long Tom Kelly '13 is with the 
Extension Dep't. Some Extension. 

Harold Gore '13, not satisfied with 
being a coach, is sore at the rest of 
the faculty because they won't let 
him go out for the football tean this 

year. . 

Mr. Harold Morse '14 is with the 
Coe-Mortimer Fertilizer Co. in New 
York City. Morse has certainty found 
his vocation. 

"Every Blow above the Belt." 

CREAM OF WHEAT (continued). 


Synopsis to previous chapters. Just like a 
regular serial there's a hero, a heroine and a vilain. 
if you didn't get our first copy it's your own 

Chapter II. 

When we left off last time^ our 
hero, AI Lotta Hairlip, had just em- 
braced the girl, on the railroad track. 
She had fainted. She opened her 
eyes and gushed a la Squirt, "My 
Hero," Then she fainted again be- 
cause she saw a reporter from the 
Index coming toward her. The peo- 
ple all rushed from the train as excited 
as a class in English I. With them 
came a physician. You could tell 
that he was a physician because he 
carried a bag that had M. D. printed 
on it and there was a black-jack pro- 
truding from his back pocket. He 
leaned over the poor girl and said 
"Why it's Miss Calculation, the $14.50 
heiress." He took a bottle of Tom 
Collins from his back pocket and 
applied it to her lips. She sipped a 
half pint of it down and murmurred 
" I like you doctor. I hope I never 
get well." He gave her more so as 
to be . sure to restore her. All wept 
as the doctor said, "The poor maiden 
is very ill." She has what is known 
as "Aqua regia of the Livers." The 
only thing that will save her life is 
East St. air which contains a rich com- 
pound known as H2S." 

Nobody knew what to do but leave 
it to Al. Al. thought once in a while 
despite the pain it gave his poor brain. 
He jumped upon a bicycle and rode 
fiercely thru the town. As he reached 
the center of the town someone ran 
out into the middle of the road and 
cried, " Halt, in the name of the law." 
Our hero knew not who the rude fel- 
low might be, and you couldn't blame 

him. But the people of the town 
knew him well, because he was often 
seen lounging against the Amherst 
House. Yes, excited readers, it was 
Melville Graves, Cheese of Police. 

"You have exceeded the speed 
limit," cried the Cheese, "You are 
the most desperate criminal I ever 
had to deal with." "Oh you get 
out you old sardine!" cried our hero, 
" I am not a criminal." Then he got 
so mad he committed the worst sin 
of his life. He did not mean to do it 
but he lost his head and cast a pierc- 
ing glance at the Cheese. 

Melville staggered but regained his 
unstable equilibrium and moving his 
abdomen into shape again, he instantly 
said in an excited tone, "You wait 
here now until I call my officer No. 
889,203, Mr. Slade the constable, and 
the sheriff." 

What was our hero to do. He 
must save Miss Calculation, but what 

(To be continued in our next.) 


My name as printer of the War Cry being the 
only one, apparently, responsible for the first 
issue, a few words of explanation are necessary 
on my part. 1 do not wish to blame the editors 
for their apparent deception and had 1 been in 
their position I should have preferred to disclaim 
all connection with it and given the credit (?) to 
someone else. Nevertheless, i am willing to 
shoulder the responsibility for its typographical 
appearance. As to its contents, heavens, don't 
accuse me of that. 1 have a business reputation 
to sustain and 1 am not guilty. In passing judge- 
ment take in consideration the fact that 1 was 
willing to pay my good money for this space 
that I might make things right with the readers. 
These are my business principles. I mean to 
furnish the best in Job Printing of all kinds, 
and if anything is not right, I am only too 
glad to make it right at my expense. 



31 East Pleasant St., Amherst. 
Telephone 386-W. 

The only thing that could " suit " September 

Morn is a barrel, but we can suit you any 

morn or eve. Have a Hart. 



There's no need here of ordering 6 eggs in order 

to be sure of getting two fresh ones. 
Paying for the chair you sit on or tipping waitress. 


Don't be a Mexican Athlete. 

There's a difference between Bulling and Bowling. 

So Bowl, play Pool and Billiards at 


You don't have to overcut anything. Let Spencer 

' 1 8 do the cutting for you. 

He gives you a 25c. hair-cut for a quarter. 

The College Barber Shop, 

Opposite College Store. 

"Your Face is Your Fortune." 

Have your fortune told by the camara. 

You don't have to go out of town to have your 

picture taken, visit 


When " First Down" town always make our 

store your " Goal" and you'll never " Kick" if 

you always "Tackle " our Fruit and Candy. 


Teeth, like women may be faults at times, but 

they do not go back on you if you 

treat them right. 


Whoop-er Up" Boys, that Hooper is the man 

"SCOTTIE," the red-light shop. 

You don't need specs to seethe "class" 

to our repairing of lenses 

and watches. 

S. S. HYDE. 

In order to get all phases of farming don't forget 
to take a course at 


"The store around wliich the town was built.' 

I o per cent off on every meal ticket. 

If you throw down such a chance you wouldn't 

pay a nickel to see the Statue of Liberty 

turn a handspring. 

BERLIN CAFE, 11 Amity St. 

Nobody home but the November Magazines 
and they have just come out. 


We don't have to apologies, we can boast of our 

line. Put your faith in us and " watch " 

as 1 do the rest. 


If you miss a car you can get another later, but 
if you miss a chance to have your 
tailoring done here you'll be sorry. 


Amherst may be dry, but we can wet you down 
with our tonic, etc., and we do not soak. 


Snoring may be sheet music, but a sheet of our 
stationery is worth more than a song. 


Don't study Biology with the Hash-house 


Come down and dissect one of our Dogs. 


You can get along just as well without your 

meals and bed as you can without 

an M book. 





NO. 3 


The editors of the War Cry admit 
a lack of literary training. 

Modern Method of Determining 
a Student's Mental Ability 

Drop a sharp-edged axe on the 
patient's head. If it penetrates the 
ivory the case is hopeful. 

Opportunity knocks but once. Other 
knockers please copy. 

Votes for Women. Election of a 
deaness to fill the expected vacancy 
of Prof. Lewis' office. 

It just came to light how Bartlett, 
'15, got that black eye which dec- 
orated his face when he came back 
to college this fall. It seems that 
Bart tried the game of golf during 
his leisure hours and one day ac- 
cidentally hit a passing Irishman with 
the golf ball. The Irishman got 
rather sore, so E. R. B. explained to 
him thusly: 

"When I called 'fore' that was a 
sign for you to get out of the way 
because I was going to drive." 

"Oh, is it, is it?" said Pat, "well, 
thin, whin I say 'foive' it's a sign you're 
going to git hit in the oye. Foive!" 

A piece of chin was found on the 
floor of the South Coll. basement. 
Who bought the new safety razor. 


Nice restaurant down in Somer- 
ville Square. Order a beefsteak and 
you get a piece of dry varnished 
sole leather, sent direct by the 
foundry man disguised as a cook. 

Did you notice how Tufts gained 
thru our line? Just like a dying man 
gains weight. 

That referee had as few friends in 
the Aggie cheering section as a mad 
dog and was as popular as La grippe. 

Westcott, the injured man looked 
awfully sick — kind of pale on end 
runs, however. 

The Tufts center has a heel mark 
back of his left ear. What size heel 
do you wear. Dole? 

Very few came home saturated. 

War Bulletin — South Hadley Falls. 

A large gathering of students greeted 
Prof. Lewis at his campaign speech in 
Hamp. Over 500 lbs. were present. 


Fords may come and Fords may 
go, but I go on forever. 

Sleepy Moses, the Mailman. 

"What is so rare as a day in 
Chicopee!" Homer (Cueball). 

"Friends, Romans, and country- 
men, lend me your makings." 


"Thou hast me in thy grip, Charles!" 
The Duke (Curran) to Charley Horse. 

Spots of All Sotts 

Pigeon Brooks, President of the 
Winter League is still telling about 
those high flies he used to knock. 
Boont for a change, Brooks. 

We did not mean to peek, but we 
looked in No. 2 South College the 
other night and saw Allie Wilkins 
practicing for the shot-put. 

The 1915 cross country team got a 
hair cut last week. 

"Every Knock a Boost*' 



"Sid" Masse, . Editor-in-Chief 

"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor 
"Ike" Moore, . . Business Manager 

"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby. 

The hockey teams have already 
ordered their rubber "Iboots. It is 
reported that Rose Pitanof had been 
engaged as coach. 

"You're it!" "I won't play if I 
can't kick." Heard at a Tag football 

The indoor rifle team will use bean 
blowers instead of the regulation 
"Daisy" this year. 

Thebe stisno oneto agoo datthe 
ha shouse! 

"If a man's birth stone is an opal 
what will his death stone be?" 

"I bite." 

"A grave-stone." Salvation Army 
War Cry please copy. 

Cream of Wheat, a cereal continued. 
One minute to change the reels. 
Al Lotta Hairlip will be on the job 
again next week. 


Altho raised on Mellin's Food, 
Livermore, '17, has grown up to be a 
big rough boy. 

Chip Boyd, '18, has the agency for 
Burlap Underwear. 

Says Prof. S — "Be economical. 
Time is valuable. Save Time. Only 
spend time in jail. 

Every dog has his day. Frank- 
furts served once a month at the 

The early bird catches the worm. 

The late waiter catches from 

Harry White. 

Amherst has more Poles than Po- 
land (Me.) 

Rome was not built in a day. 
Neither will the new agri. building 
be built in a year. 

How is it they killed a man like 
Abe Lincoln and let I. B. Lincoln 

Seth Banister to barber — "Part 
my hair in the middle, please." 

B. to S. B.— "Yes sir. Shall I 
split the odd one?" 


If a lady drops a handkerchief, 
pick it up and blow your nose on it 
if necessary, before returning it. 

It is a breach of etiquette to put 
your finger in your neighbor's soup 
in order to see if it is hot or not. 

In order to be popular, one should 
have taking ways like a burglar. 

If you should find a fly in your 
coft'ee, remove the "diptera" from 
the liquid and dry the poor fellow 
off with a sponge. 

Never stop to quarrel with a bar- 

On visiting a sick man always 
remind him of the beauty of Wild- 
wood Cemetery and insurance, etc. 
But whatever you do cheer him up 



Synopsis- to previous chapters: Girl on 
track. Saved by hero. Takes sick. Hero 
rides away to get H2S-restoring air from 
East St. Arrested by Cheese of Police. 
Now we're ready to continue. 


You remember how our hero was 
arrested by Melville. Well, they led 
our poor struggling youth away to 
prison. Al knew he was in prison 
because they had a sign on the wall 
of this particular barn with 'prizon' 

"Every Blow Above the Belt*' 

painted on it. Our hero looked about 
him and groaned Hke the last sweet 
strains of "a-men" in chapel. Why 
did he groan? It was because of the 
fact that he saw there was no chance 
to escape for the windows were locked 
and they had a hook on the door. 
(Ref. "Jails and Jail-Birds" by Boyer) 

After a brief conference, the Cheese 
announced the verdict as follows, 
"Al Lotta Hairlip, whereas you have 
broken the laws of Amherst and 
assaulted the great 'I -am' you are 
to be shot at sun-rise." 

"Where is that city?" sobbed the 
youth with a sniff, not knowing that 
sun-rise is the name of a stove 
polish. Then he fainted away like 
a drooping skunk-cabbage. 

The Cheese and his followers left. 
Young Hairlip did not sleep much 
that night. He stayed awake, puri- 
fying his soul by reading the "Police 
Gazette." However, he soon grew 
sleepy, so setting the alarm clock for 
6:22 (sun-rise) so as to be sure to 
awake in time, our hero slept. 

Two things saved Al Lotta the 
next morning. One was that Mel- 
ville, the Cheese, overslept, much to 
his disgust. The other reason was 
that the day was cloudy and the sim 
did not come out. 

Our hero laughed up his sleeve for 
glee. Then he unbolted the door 
and went out into the fresh air as 
free as the odor of the Friday fish 
at the hash-house. The poor youth 
had lost weight from his worry the 
night before, so he crossed the street 
and bought some doughnuts in the 
bakery, both to gain weight and get 

Then he hopped upon his faithful 
bicycle and rode at the speed of m 
square over q E. Z. (Ref. see 

Kimball's Physics.) AI did not know 
the exact location of East St. but as 
usual his luck was with him. He 
hailed a passing youth, long and 
straight, with a tight vest on. Oho! 
It's Andrew Dalrymple, the Revere 
Beach thug. Andrew informed our 
hero of the location of East St.', but 
just then who should 

(One week to change the reels) 


On cold wintry days, the heat you give 
Is as rare as your light at one in the 

If we relied on your heat to live 
We'd prefer the warm place when we 

are gone. 

A Marsh Sandwich — Franklin W. 
Marsh between two fair dames — a 
sort of bitter-sweet. 

The Looloo Bird says: — 
An axiom is something that is al- 
ways so even if it isn't so. 

Angell struck his head against the 
goal post, neither was hurt. 

Tufts felt as lucky as the tramp 
who only lost the seat of his pants to 
the bull-dog. Pants for pants. 


John Louis Eisenhaure, '13, the 
iron-man, was seen fussing the game 
with Miss Periwinkle Bullard, '13. 

Arthur G. Weigel, '14, was also at 
the game. Hey? 

Little Munroe Tarbell, '14, is 
teaching in Connecticut. We rejoice 
in your success, Munroe! 

You may be neutral but you'll be "in Dutch" 
if you try any other place than 


Think of the future. In after years an M 
book will wash out care and iron 
out wrinkles 

See **Titch" Whitney, '16 

Clothes make the man, so you're not a man 

unless "Scottie" has put your clothes 

in shape 

Hooper— The Red Light Shop 

If you want health to go with your beauty 

let Dr. Mooney prescribe your 

diet at the 

K 9 Palace, Danforth, '16 

Your clothing may be of the C. D. brand 

Ours are Hart, Schaffner and Marx and 

they're O. K. 


Eat, drink and be merry — on one of our 

weekly $5.50 meal tickets — 90c worth 

of eats allowed each day 

BERLIN CAFE, 11 Amity St. 

The only fruit that we don't sell are the nuts 
that come on the axle-tree 

Amherst Fruit Store 

The man with faults worth mentioning is 

apt to have no virtues worth speaking 

about. It's different with our shoes, 

only good things are. said of them 

A little tooth, a little pain. 
It's time to see Doc. Bango again. 
Watch your teeth! 



Where is the best place for apple-pie order? 

Buck's Columbia Cafe 

Dear Nut — 

I can't come over to Amherst to board as 
there are too many "Allies" over here 

Kaiser Will He? 

A Pig- pen is of no use to use, but our Fountain 
Pens are 


Most people know what they want. But 

what they don't know is what to do 

in order to obtain it. For a good 

picture see 


Those who believe money can do anything 

are generally ready to do anything for money 

Best for your money at 


"Shoot if you must this old grey-head," she 

said, "but use Thompson's rifles 

and ammunition." 

E. A. THOMPSON-MM the Bank 

Tufts had a close shave. We can give you 
just as close a shave 


The Kingsbury Box & Printing Co. 
Northampton, Mass. 




NO. 4 



Synopsis of previous chapters — 
See Chap. I, II and III. 


The words "when who should" 
are the last ones in Chap. Ill and 
they are poor words to end up with, 
but we were just going to say "who 
should think the thug would know 
where East St. is." Don't criticise 
the thug however for he don't know 
anyone down that way. 

Well, by this time our hero had 
reached East St. and was already 
on his way back to the B. & M. 
tracks. But how did he get the 
H2S Festoring Air from East St. 
That's the big mystery of the story. 
We will save that until the end. 

Arriving at the tracks our hero 
found Miss Calculation sitting on 
the track weeping. The train was 
nowhere in sight, neither were the 
passengers or the doctor. 

The "airess" smiled beautifully 
until it looked as if there was grave 
danger of her swallowing her ears. 

"But where have the people gone 
who were caring for you, sweet 
caporal," he said. 

"Oh, the brutes left me to die 
here," she spouted. 

"E Pluribus Unum," cursed our 
hero, under his breath in Spanish. 
Aloud — "and the doctor?" 

"Speak not of him," she gulped, 
nearly choking with the quid of 
tobacco she was chewing. "He wanted 
me to pay a bill of $2 and because 
I had no money with me he knocked 
out my gold tooth with a hammer 
to keep as a security." 

"Such a man as that should be 
reported to the Society for Prevention 
of Cruelty to Animals," expostulated 
Al with the grim ferocity of our old 
friend Wattles during a checker 

The girl removed her rat and hand- 
ing it to our hero said, "You are 
'muh' only friend — take this to re- 
member me by." 

He reached for her hand; never 
before had he held such a dainty 
little hand since the time he shook 
hands with Sam Langford. 

"I love you," he sputtered. 

She wiped the fine spray off her 
face, meanwhile blushing vermillion. 

"Oh my gorgonzola cheese," she 
cooed like a pigeon with the mange. 

He stirred uneasily like a table- 
spoon. "Marry me," he cried madly, 
deceived by her glass diamond ear- 

The girl fainted again. She prob- 
ably wanted Tom Collins again, 
but our hero had only enough left 
for himself. The sight of the poor 
girl took his breath away. He 
swallowed some XXX and his breath 
returned quickly and strong. He 
bit her ear to see if she still lived. 

"Ah, ah," he cried, curling up his 
hair lip, "The East St. air will cure 

You have probably forgotten the 
East St. air in the excitement of the 
love scene. 

Our hero let the air out of his 
bicycle. He had pumped his bicycle 
tire up when he got to East St. after 
he had let the other air out. The 
girl began to wiggle spontaneously — 
a true sign she was coming back to 

'Every Knock a Boost** 




'Sid" Masse, . . . Editor-in-Chief 

'Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor 
'Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager 

'Gibby" Perry 

Society and Circulating Editor 

"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby. 

She opened her eyes and murmured 
"My hero. You have really saved 
my life — -my hero, my provider, 
my calloused face beauty." 

"Then you will be mine," he asked 
in the meanwhile adjusting his sleeve- 
less vest and lighting a cubeb. 

She laughed coyly, "You bet," she 

"Then we must lose no time," 
said he, holding on to his watch. 
"We'll get married at once." 

Then they lived happily ever after 
and he entered M. A. C. with the 
rest of the married men. 
The End 

Note — Ended just like a regular 
story — "Bell-boy, bring a sponge." 

Heard in the Hash-House 

"Head waiter, head waiter, I've 
found a button in the salad. Take it 
back to Chesley and tell him it must 
have come off the dressing." 

Prof. Hicks remembers his troubles 
from that auto even in his prayers — 
"Forgive us our trespasses as we 
forgive those that try to pass us." 

Signs of winter- 
his earlaps. 

Top" Hart and 

Anyone affected with a weak heart 
is advised not to read this paper as 
you never can tell how it will affect 

After Polish week the college is 
planning to entertain the N. E. 
Union of Garbagemen. Kindly get 
the campus in as welcoming an 
appearance as possible by throwing 
papers, banana skins etcetera around. 

For Sunday chapel the college is 
planning to install a number of Hobo 
Folding Beds. 

The "Black-Hand" crew tried to 
wreck the "War-Cry's" Editorial staff,' 
but their plans were unsuccessful. 

It is rumored that a fresh consign- 
ment of Beef is to be delivered im- 
mediately to the Hash-House from 
those regions where the Foot and 
Mouth dilemma is apparent. 

The cheering for the Football players 
this week has been real deafening 
on account of the vociferous yelling 
from the Co-ed table. Rat-tat- ti- 

Springfield treated our fellow col- 
lege men from across the town real 
horrid last Saturday. Just for that 
we'll lick them. ON TO SPRING- 

"The Pond from the walk looms up 

cold and wet 
To all who would the SPRINGFIELD 

game forget." 

Called on Account of Pain 

First Cat (during the fight) — Me-e- 
ou-ou-ou-ou-wou-shpizz-hst ! 

Second Cat (side-stepping) — Aw 
cut out the spit-bawl, Malty. 


"Every Blow Above the Belt" 


By Ownie Gaygan Alias — and a 
couple more dashes 

Last night as I lay a-sleeping 
I dreamed a dream so fair. 

I dreamt I was at the SPRINGFIELD 
And the AGGIE BOYS were there. 

The people were all shouting 

As "Giggie" led them on. 
The "Springfield Horn" was tooting 
(Poetic License) 

As though all breath was gone. 

The ball flew down on the kick-off 
And "Cue-Ball" nailed it quick. 

Ah! who can stop our players? 
None but the very old "Nick." 

Yes, friends, but "Nick" was not 


In this game they play on the run. 

The Springfield Team could only resent 

And the GAME for AGGIE was 


The Looloo Bird says: 

An hour's studying in M. A. C. is 
worth 3 hours in 'Hamp. 

Last Saturday morning 'andsome 
'arold 'yde arose from his nocturnal 
(nice word?) slumbers and after 
viewing his countenance in the mirror 
decided that he had better remove 
the 5 days beard that he had been 
carrying about all week. Well, Hyde 
thought that the barb-wire Beard 
might take some nicks out of his 
razor so he went down to see the 
college barber. 

"A shave, please!" says Hyde. 

"Are you sure that those luxuriant 
locks of yours don't need a clipping?" 
said the C. B. running his money- 
grabbers thru Hyde's hair. 

"Oh, no," says Hyde. "I don't 

want a haircut. The same barber 
has cut my hair for the last six years." 
The C. B. tipped the chair and when 
he had adjusted the towel he said 
gently, "Looks as if he had been 
dead quite a while." 


Quite a few fellows will have a 
chance to win their M.t.t. this year, 
especially the members of the three 
lower classes. M.t.t. stands for 
Mettawampe Trek Team. 

Candidates for the various class 
basketball teams will be called out 
soon. No spiked shoes or tango pumps 
allowed on the floor; brass knuckles 
and nose guards may be v/orn. 
Candidates can get practice shooting 
dumplings in the water pitcher at 

We feel that we must congratulate 
Capt. Lane on his idea of having 
class shooting teams. Everybody 
can afford to buy a set of dice and if 
the teams play back of the barns 
there is very little chance of the law 
getting after them. 


Arthur W. Taylor, '14, of Fed 
Hills, was recently seen admiring 
us poor cusses at work. Fat is 
working over a detective story to 
be called "Closeted v/ith Jeff Calvert." 

John D. Pellett, '14, who is prin- 
cipal of the Cape Elizabeth High 
School and was heard to say: 

"Will the class in history please 
stand up and recite the golden rule." 

Paul Serex, '13, is studying the 
chemical properties of leaves in order 
to discover why they fall in the Fall. 
What we want to knoviA Paul, is, who 
put them up there on the trees. 

Whether it's cold or whether it's hot, 
Whether there's weather, or whether there's 

It's always cold in Octcember. 

For a good hot chocolate, try 


Afellow bought his girl a present. She said after 
receiving it, " I can't accept this when I thinli of the 
past." "Forget the past," he said, " and think of 
the present." 

You, however, should think of the future and buy 
an " M " book. 


You should have a pressing engagement with 
Scottie, the Tailor, before the next Informal 

Hooper— The Red Light Shop 

Dog days are past but our dogs are a re- 
past. Game in season at Danforth's 
Hunting Grounds 



Our clothes have more fits than the inmates 

of Dippy Flill. Buy a pair of our gloves 

just to keep your hand in 

On parle Francais ici 

We'll cater to you here or we'll cater to you 

wherever you wish, for we're sure to 

satisfy. Catering a specialty 


We don't run a Plumbing shop, but we 

guarantee to "solder up" any hole the 

hash-house doesn't fill up 


"When a man can make the Best Inn in 
America, even though it is located in North- 
ampton, the world will make a Beaten Path 
to its door." — Emerson 

Why put your gold in the bank when you may 
as well have it put in your teeth 


You remember that piece of pie you got at 
home after the Tufts game? Well, we've 
got a duplicate copy of it - 

Eddie's Columbia Cafe 

Study Physics at "Mets," there you can find 

the acceleration per second 

of a ball rolling on a smooth surface 


The Best Policy for your Life, your Fortune, 
and your sacred honor is to insure with 


Barlow, over the Amherst Bank 

Christmas comes but once a year, this year it 

comes on December 25, but now's the 

time to have your picture taken for 



If you don't think that clothes make a 

difference, try walking down the street 

without any 


"No, Freshman! The only two things that 

Thompson don't repair are Broken 

Umljrellas and Broken Promises." 

E. A. mOMFSOiV — Sperling Gooils 

When it comes to tonsorial art, there are only 

a few that have anything on Spencer, '18. 

0pp. the College Store 


The Kingsbury Box & Printing Co. 
Northampton, Mass. 





NO. 5 

That little amusement (?) that 
Springfield offered us between the 
halves was just like raw petroleum — 
very crude. However, did you notice 
that the cow (supposed to represent 
Aggie) came back when they thought 
it was dead and buried? The echo 
of that death knell which the bugler 
sounded will be heard by the Y. M. 
C. A. College when they visit us in 
hockey and baseball. The incident 
was almost as funny as the game 
that the Training School players put 
up in baseball last spring. 

We saw the same kind of an affair 
performed between the halves of 
a High School game. 

Altho a course of law is not offered 
at college, it seems that a number of 
fellow-students were admitted to the 
bar last Sat. in Springfield. 

Hari-kari Society of Black-handers 
Mr. Chesley, 
Stewed of the M. A. C. Salle de Mange 

Many times in the past have we 
warned thee of thy impending danger 
which threatens thine numbered days 
on earth. For many moons thou 
hast fed the subjects of this com- 
munity with unfit food. Thou hast 
made us what we are to-day, we hope 
thou art satisfied. But we have at 
last met in the secret cavern of the 
earth to mete out thine revenge, 
Rr-r-r-revenge-r-r. We have counted 
the number of our fellow sufferers 
that have perished from thine poison- 
ous foods and we find that there are 
many of these good men that suffered 
the tortures of indigestion due to 
thee. Many of our members have 

grown old in years — white beards 
and deeply incrusted wrinkles de- 
corating their faces — ^which were 
once young and clear as ivory (soap) . 
Many of our brethren suffer of 
broken wrists and sprained backs 
due to the strain of attempting to 
cut thine rubber beef and knotty 
(naughty — either way) frankforts. 
Thine Bovine milk has caused many 
of our unfortunates to suffer from a 
touch of concussion of the brain, 
and in their delirium some even call 
to us to pass the cream, poor souls. 
The only thing we do not reproach 
thee, with the full tempest of our 
mad blood-thirsty cry, is thine butter. 
Before trying to pass a biscuit 
down our oesophageal cavity, we 
have to use thine butter as lubricant 
to oil our throats — ^we wish we had 
axle grease instead. When the above 
mentioned biscuits land into our 
stomachs feet first with that dull 
thud, we recover only with the aid 
of the directions of "the first aid to 
the injured" sign placed at the head 
of each table. Many of us have 
taken our desserts with the aid of 

Enough of this nude description 
of our tortures during repast. Now 
we are about to render the verdict 
of our revenge. 

Many wished to leave it to the 
fates of nature and await the time 
when the devil himself will make 
thee eat thine own food and all 
the little demons disguised as Indi- 
gestion will prong thee in thine own 
stomach as if with a thousand 
hat-pins; when the terrible odor 
and sight of thine own victuals will 
be placed before thee and thou wilt 

"Every Knock a Boost" 



'Sid" Masse, . . Editor-in-Chief 

'Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor 
'Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager 
'Gibby" Perry . . . . . 

Society and Circulating Editor 

"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby. 

suffer the suffering of the ungodly 
until at last thou wilt scream with 

But we have concluded to give 
you one more warning. Within 
twenty-four hours after the time 
that thou receivest this paper— 
(thou wilt receive one by mail) — 
thou wilt feel the full force of our 
terrible torture unless thou givest 
us victuals fit for a king. Let us 
see a steak upon our breakfast 
table once in a while — real honest 
to God milk and butter — biscuits 
spelled with a capital B — beef that 
shall make our salivary glands over- 
flow with its tempting odor and 
appearance — pie that will remind 
us that we left home many years 
ago. Suppers that will send us to 
bed with prayers for thee instead of — 
well something worse. 

Do all this within the limited 
twenty-four (24) hours — without rais- 
ing the price of board to $8 a week and 
thou art safe from our murderous 
hands. Fail and face the bloody 
consequences. Remember five 

hundred (500) daggers are being 
sharpened and polished by five 
hundred of us. Thine back itches at 
the mere thought of it. Enough, 

Obey that impulse and ours, 

The Black Hand Society. 

Lost — About 80 men who signed 
off at the hash-house. 


They say that Flagg, '17, is a 
Scotchman. Next week he is going 
back to the old kilts because he has 
so much trouble getting his feet 
thru his trousers each morning. 

The ties of friendship are strong. 
Mont'y just returned to Clark, '15, 
that bow tie he borrowed last spring. 

Wanted — A canary bird to sing 
me to sleep nights — Gioiosa. How 
Freddy misses those animules. 

Hunnewell says that anyone attend- 
ing the freshmen show on feeling the 
least bit faint from an attack of 
blushing creeping over them will 
find talcum powder under the seats. 

A Freshman is quoted thusly: 
"Gee, talk about trips. Fd like to 
make the rifle team. Think of shoot- 
ing against U. of Calif. Has the 
football team trips beat a mile." 

Ever notice the resemblance between 
the German Crown Prince and Don 
Dinsmore? They both part their 
hair in the middle. 

What's the use of buying one of 
Whitney Lincoln & Co.'s calendars. 
They offer you 12 months for a dollar. 
You can get two years in jail for 

Another freshman quoted (on hear- 
ing of Stanford's election to Phi 
Kappa Phi) "I never knew they 
elected anyone on the faculty to 
Phi Kappa Phi." 

Heard at a mass-meeting, Farrar 
speaking, "Only 207 tickets sold. 

**Every Blow Above the Belt'* 

There's not a reason why there should 
be a single man — who stays away 
from that game." 

The Looloo Bird says, "A crib is 
like sulphur and molasses — some 
people can't get along without it. 
Especially in the spring." 

Another rule or two on Etiquette 

On slamming a fellow on the left 
cheek always follow it up by turning 
his head the other way and smite 
the right also. 

Just because the Liberty Bell is 
cracked is no reason why you should 
try to crack nuts on the window pane. 


Parlor football practice up in West 
Entry No. College will soon start. 

While the challenges are still hot, 
Old John claims that he is as good at 
picking up as any of the Aggie men 
that hang around the street corners 

The Faculty All American team 
will soon be picked. "Billy" is strong 
in kicking. He certainly can kick. 
"Sid" is good on interference. He 
always could interfere with a good 
mark. "Lefty" is good in an open 
field where there ain't many others 
running. Practice every night in 
Doc. Chamberlain's office. 

"Reg" Hunt claims that there are 
some likely looking candidates out 
for his Pool team. He talked to his 
men last night and gave them some 
good cues. 

Capt. Johnson has his eyes on a 
man that got an offer to pitch on 

the World's Champions Penny Pitch- 
ing Team. 


Murray D. Lincoln, '14, has re- 
cently been seen around College. He 
left his Ford in the Barber-shop while 
getting a shave. 

Walter Rosebrooks, ex-' 13, and 
then '14, has recently gained fame by 
having his picture published in all 
the papers of the Country advertising 
"Sailors' Delight" chewing tobacco. 


No. 1 

The Home Made Maid at Home 

Or Why Policemen leave the 


Chap. I. 

The new maid arrived, alighting 
from her limousine and handed 
"Ketchup," her prize winning Tomato 
Terrier, to the butler. Inside the 
home of Lammor Beef, the million- 
aire manufacturer of fish balls, the 
whole family with the exception of 
Mrs. Beef were awaiting the new 
maid. Little four year old Corn Beef 
was gleefully playing with a cabbage. 
Chap. II. 

The maid entered, handing her 
rubber boots to the footman who 
always took care of such things, 
"The new maid, I presume?" said 
Lammor Beef. "Oui, but I do not 
spik zee English verai good, gosh all 
mighty," answered the new maid, 
chucking little Corn Beef under the 
chin with her heavy umbrella to show 
her fondness for children. "Are you a 
good worker?" asked the cautious 
Lammor. "Oui, but I always like 
to take things fairly easy," said the 
maid, eyeing the family jewelry. 
{To he continued) 

Adam was the first gent in this world of 
ours, and 


was the First Drug Store in Amherst 
Moral: "The First is never Second" 

Do unto others as you would have others 

do unto you. Treat your "wife" to some 

of our sweet confectionery 


Best Work=Best Tailor 
Scottie=Best Work 
.•.Scottie=Best Tailor 

Hooper— The Red Light Shop 

The Annual Dog Show will be held this 

week at Danforth Hall. Judges are 

wanted for the English Bull and 

Frankfort Class 

Bow-wow Emporium 


We have hats for all kinds of domes 
Both soft and hard 

The Russian War-cry in "onto Berlin!" they 
mean the 


If you want to write we've got the paper, 
If you want to fight we've got the gloves. 
If you want a bite — well, 
We'll satisfy you whatever you want. 


This is no blacksmith shop. All shoes will 

wear out but our shoes will outwear 

any others 


The fellow who wrote "It's always fair 
weather when good fellows get to- 
gether" must have known 


Every little tooth ache has a meaning of 
its own, every bit of work a satisfaction 


What is the difference between starvation 
and contentment 

25c worth at 

Eddie's Columbia Cafe 

If you roll them, down at Aggie 
You can roll them on the alley 

Metcalf's Bowling Alley 

"Safety First" runs a close second to an 
insurance policy with 

Barlow, over the Amherst Bank 

You can't be in more than one place at 
time but your face can be anywhere on 
Christmas by having your photo- 
graph taken at 


A barber can give you a good cut but we can 

give you a real distinctive cut in a 

Royal tailored suit 


When you're broke there's no hope — but if 
There's anything broken I can mend it 

E. A. mOMP50iV — Sporting Goods 

It is all fact and fiction when we say that our 

50c fiction is hard to equal at twice the 


Amherst Book Store 

I don't cut my prices because I belong to 

the Union but I can cut your hair and 

you don't have to pull in your ears 





NO. 6 

The Faculty All-America team 
won the toss and Capt. Martin chose 
to defend the south goal so as to be 
near Hicks' office and the rest of the 
bandages. "Billy" received the kick- 
off and after rolling a cigarette 
ran the ball back (?) 10 yards. On 
the next play Sid Haskell got in 
Lefty Lewie's way because he hap- 
pened to be determining the type of 
soil they were on. The result was 
that Lefty lost 5 yards and time 
had to be taken out while they 
scraped the muck and humus off 
of Sid's nose. Billy Lockwood got 
off a beautiful buttermilk spiral, a 
punt good for 30 yards. On the 
next play Doc. Gordon was put out 
of the game for slamming some one 
with a skate. For the Town Team, 
Labrovitch made 8 yards on a skin 
(?) tackle play. The town team 
got away with a beautiful 40 yard 
run when Old John hid the ball in 
his rag-bag. Melville Graves was 
thinking of the drunk tied up at 
the jail and consequently fumbled 
on the next play, Kenney falling on 
the ball as if he was falling on a 
nickel. Gage, our star quarter-back 
got off a nice forward pass, but the 
team was penalized 15 yards because 
Neal was holding the Dean of the 
Herrick School and trying to recite 
Lamb's Tales to him. Gage, however, 
was there on the next play also, 
scooting thru Kurd's legs like a 
croquet ball thru a wicket. Sprague 
opened up a big hole at right tackle 
by tickling his opponent's face 
with his whiskers, and Lockwood 
made 9 yards. Time was taken out 

because Doc. Peters couldn't find 
his nose guard. Finally it was found 
in old John's bag and play was 
resumed. When the referee wasn't 
looking Labrovitch stole the ball. 
Pa Plumb, the barberous quarter- 
back of the town team clipped off 
35 yards on a hair-raising end run. 
Old John was thrown for a loss 
but picked up some lost ground on the 
next play. 

At this point of the game every one 
started to get excited. Prince com- 
menced some Public Speaking to 
the umpire and even Graham used 
foul language. Labrovitch tried to 
sell Kenney a pressing ticket and 
Doc. Peters started doping out the 
chemical formula for the odor of 
Pa Plumb's Hair Tonic. Kenney 
took Melville Graves' pet watch, 
Big Ben. Not only that but Billy 
was out of the makings so the game 
was called. 

Lineup : 
Faculty Town Team 

Kenney, le re, "The Bird" 

Graham, It rt, Tom Dillon 

Gordon, Ig rg, Officer Smith 

Hurd, c c, Meridor, the Soap-man 
Martin (capt.) rg 

Ig, John, the Peanut-man 
Prince, rt It, Teofil Mienta 

Peters, re le, Moses the Mail-man 
Gage, qb qb, Pa Plumb 

Lewis, Ihb rhb, Labrovitch 

Lockwood, rhb Ihb, M. Graves 

Hasbrouk, fb fb. Old John 


Just out. Published by Spikando 
Hadfield, "From Janitor to School- 
marm," or "The Life of Ned Christie." 

'Every Knock a Boost" 




''Sid" Masse, . . . Editor-in-Chief 

"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor 
"Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager 

"Gibby" Perry 

Society and Circulating Editor 

"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby. 


No. 1 

The Home Made Maid at Home 

Or Why Policemen leave the 


Chap. III. 

The cuckoo clock had run down and 
Stellia Wallet, the new maid, was 
giving it a little bird seed. In the 
adjoining room Lammor Beef called 
for the butler thru his megaphone 
which he always carried hanging to 
his watch chain. The butler entered, 
powdering his nose. "Bring me a 
perfecto and tell the new maid to 
take little Com Beef out for an airing 
and incidentally instruct him in the 
gentle art of self-defence," 

The niillionaire smoked in silence. 
Suddenly a hand touched him slightly 
on the shoulder. An ofhcer stood at 
his gide. "Back to Nature," moaned 
Lammor. "Ah! ah! you do not 
recognize me," cried Necca Wafers 
(for it was indeed the great defective 
himself) removing his disguise by 
taking out his false teeth. "I, 
Necca Wafers, the man who found 
Charlie Moses in the bull rushes, 
am at your service." "Watch the 
maid,'' cried Beef, heaving a sigh of 
relief. "Leave it to me," asserted 
Necca, disguising himself as the 
statue of Apollo. 

Chapter IV. 

The famous defective giggled as 
the maid dusted him with a feather 

duster. It tickled him, you bet. 
Then the maid slipped the family 
gold fish down her stocking, the 
meanwhile the sly Wafers disguising 
himself as an English duke with a 
monocle. Themaid left the house. The 
defective dropped thru the register, 
again changed his disguise to a 
frankfurt and dogged her footsteps. 
Chap. V. 

But the trap was set for him. The 
girl went thru the swinging doors. 
The defective followed and got a 
dreadful shock as he put his foot' 
on the rail, and then, and then — -, 
the bartender told him they did not 
serve minors. "I never worked under 
ground in my life" snarled the 
Necca, as he went on the trail of a 
quart of XXX. But who follows him 
but the German spy, Herr Tonic 
with a loaded dum-dum gun. 
Chap. VI. 

The girl's trail lead him to Matte- 
wan. She entered. He followed 
but a voice cried out "No-body 

{To he continued) 


As the Sophomores will spend every 
Wednesday morn. next semester 
trying to become enlightened in the 
tricks and fancies of the different 
majors, we have decided to help out 
the faculty in this regard and thus 
save the sophomores the torture of 
having to listen to the same "line" 
that is passed each year. We have a 
complete set of notes on each major 
taken in short-hand from the speeches 
of past years. 


The major in Agronomy offers 
great openings to the right men. 
(But that's a thing you never know 
until it is over all). The course is 

**Every Blow Above the Belt" 

connected with a concise examination 
of soils and its allied subjects, — 
such as soiled collars, shirts, hands, 
etc. According to the U. S. D. A. 
there are 14 of these distinct soil 
types and 12 of these are often seen 
walking around the college. The 
Best Known soiled type around col- 
lege was found in the 1913 U. S. D. A. 
Survey and was later put into the 
1914 Survey and was called "Rose- 
brook's very Dirty soil." The course 
is very interesting and there are 
numbers of grave-diggers and street- 
cleaners who have risen to a high 
degree of proficiency in the manipu- 
lation of the soil. I want to conclude 
by saying that This is the Best Course 
in College. 


Myschztski, Oct. 1914. 

On the dismal and murky night of 
the 13th, twenty grizzled veterans 
convened at their usual rendezvous.' 
Up spoke the chief, the eldest of the 
score, saying, "Has Brouck reported 

No one answered. 

He repeated the question. 

Finally some one in the rear rank 
wheezed, "Watts his first name?" 

Again there was a ghastly silence. 

Ignoring the question, the chief 
continued his elaborate discourse. 
Just then a clatter of hoofs rang out 
on the cool midnight air. The 
horseman dashed into their midst: 
"Waugh has been declared!" he 

A frown wrinkled the chief's stormy 
brow. "Peter," he said, "ride to the 
gates of Butter field with all speed, but 
do not hurry . There are many B rooks 
which cross your path; if you can't 
Waid them, maybe Dun can. We 

can't afFoord to lose a chance of 
getting some Green men. See that 
you Lock Wood up before you go 
and after he is secure, may God 
speed you on your way." 

In order to avoid any misunder- 
standing, he repeated his orders to 
Pete's attentive ear. Peter gravely 
saluted, mounted his steed, and as he 
departed these words hung on his 
parched lips, "I Hurd you the first 

Recent Inventions: 

Left handed thumb tacks. 

India rubber pint or quart bottles 
(guaranteed not to break or leak). 

Smokeless tobacco. 

Spiked headgears. 

Empty buttonholes. 

Flannel nickels. 

Spherical dice. 

Dear Miss Delia Dope: 

I am completely undone, in fact 
I am on the verge of insanity. My 
troubles began thusly: 

8.10. Met Franklin. 

8.35. Deeply attracted by his sil- 
very tongue. 

8.50. Much enamoured to him. 

9.01. Enter father. 

9.0li Exit Franklin. 

I would give my all to affect recon- 
ciliation between father and Franklin. 
Yours in utter expectancy, 

Miss de Meanor. 


One antique Chem. Lab. Approx- 
imate value $13.30. May be used for 
a tobacco barn or wood shed. Also, 
one Physics Lab. Approximate value 
$9.48. If shingled, would be suitable 
as a garage for a Ford. Terms of 
this sale 10 per cent cash, the balance 
50c a week. 

The town hall may be important but 
What would the town be without 


If you have got a bad tooth see a dentist 

If you have a sweet tooth try our crackers 

and candy 


Visit the Amherst Flat-iron Building 

Hooper— The Red Light Shop 

The Hash-house has special hours for eating 

but you can eat anything any time at any 

price at the 


Proclamation — Let us give thanks that 
Sanderson & Thompson keep civiliza- 
tion dressed up 


You can get a Thanksgiving Dinner any 
day at the 


We don't knock down anything but we would 
like to introduce you to our line 


Money is the root of all evil. 
Root for us and we'll give you good for evil. 

Taylor's Sporting Goods 

Stiles '17 and Gillette '18, Agents 

What is Northampton without a place to 
dine in like 


Don't get cold feet and a bad cough 

Just cough up the price of keeping your feet 

warm and comfortable by patronizing 


Columbia is the Gem of the Ocean, but 
Eddie's Cafe is the Gem of the land. 

Eddie's Columbia Cafe 

Candidates for the Aggie Bowling Team 

report at Metcalf's Alleys any afternoon 

or evening 

Metcalf's Bowling Alley 

Assure yourself that our insurance is sure 
to be the Best 

Barlow, over the Amherst Bank i 

A Photograph is ever a truthful recorder of ] 

the Past and Present — have your photo- ; 

graph taken for Christmas ; 


Clothes should be warm, attractive, of the ! 
Best Material, well tailored, in fact they ■ 

should be Royal Tailored Suits 


There are Grease spots and College Sports ' 
but we sell Sporting Goods 


Rear of First National 

We give the course in English 50; that is,- 
Good Fiction at 50 cents 

Amherst Book Store 

If you're bald don't come here 
But if you want any hair cut from one hair 
to one million, see 





NO. 7 


Why not shorten the number of 
exams and save time by giving an 
exam Hke the following: 

Given the 18th Lumbar vertebra 
of a Buttercup, describe the life 
history of one of the poets of the 
Hammerstein Age in such a way as 
to prove that the chemical formula 
of a plate of soup does not in any way 
conflict with the moral ideas amid the 
lower bivalves, neglecting the fact 
that 2x plus mn (Y minus 14z) is a 
factor which Boyle left out of his 
Law of Cosines. 

A number of fellows have asked us 
the meaning of Quid agis age Aggie. 
We do not know what it means. We 
asked Tabby and he did not know. 
We also inquired of a noted Latin 
scholar and he didn't know. There- 
fore, we are going to offer a prize 
of a year's subscription to the WAR 
CRY for the best answer, and a 
free copy for each of next five best 
answers. Hand in answers to any 
member of the board. 

To an instructor of the English Dept. 

We have never seen "it" on you for 
the last few years. 

If you can't do "it" we will shed 
some tears. 

If "it" hurts you, don't do "it." 

If "it" froze that way — nothing 
can help "it." 

Perhaps you don't think "it" is 
worth while. 

But we recommend to you one 
good SMILE. 


Or Why Policemen Leave The 


Chap. 6 

Everything was quiet as death 
itself. You could have heard a nine- 
pin drop. Not a sound except for the 
slight dynamiting in the room above. 
Necca Wafers did not know that 
Herr Tonic was following him, but 
he dodged just in time to avoid the 
rifle shot of the villainous spy. 
There was another shot and the great 
defective realized he had shot his 
lunch in the excitement. 
Chap. 7 

After recovering from his attack 
of biliousness, Necca found that the 
girl and Herr Tonic were gone. 
He rushed out into the street. It 
was bitter cold. He thought he 
detected the sound of subdued con- 
versation but it was only the chatter- 
ing of his teeth. The sleuth concluded 
that the maid must have returned 
home for she only had the afternoon 
off. He breathed a sigh of relief but 
it pained him and for the first time he 
realized something was wrong. He 
felt around for his heart and ran into 
some moist blood drops. 

"Ha ha!" cried the ferocious sleuth 
incognito quite to himself but never- 
theless somewhat out loud on the 
other hand, "it is the work of Tonic." 
(See advertisement regarding Spring- 
field beer). Then he cursed, for the 
German spy had got blood all over 
his new shirt and had left the broken 
tip of the knife blade in his heart. 
Necca swallowed a KCN pill and was 
all right again. 

"Every Knock a Boost" 



Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00. 

"Sid" Masse, . . . Editor-in-Chief 

"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor 
"Ike" Moore, . . Business Manager 

"Gibby" Perry 

Society and Circulating Editor 

"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby. 

Chap. 8 

The defective entered the house of 
the milHonaire, taking care to step 
over the prostrate body of Stewed 
Beef, the eldest son of Lammor. 
The maid was in the kitchen making 
fish balls. 

"You have the missing fiscis invert- 
ebrate," cried Necca. 

'T have not," exclaimed Stellia, 
"I never had anything worse than the 
measles and red hair!" 

"Where is the gold fish?" demanded 
the irate defective. 

"You can fish me, I don't know," 
sneered the maid. 

Chap. 9 

The famous sleuth ate supper with 
the family. He was very disappointed 
at not being able to trace the family 
gold fish. It would be the first case 
he could not solve. N. Wafers cut 
viciously into the fried fish ball 
and a cry of joy escaped his lips as 
he espied a gold scale and knew 
then that the maid had attempted to 
conceal her crime by using the gold 
fish in the fried fish balls. 
Chap. 10 

Necca ran into the" kitchen to arrest 
the maid. She was in the embrace of 
a policeman, vulgarly spoken of as a 
cop. Then Wafers realized he could 
not touch the girl for she was within 
the law. Grief stricken, he ran into 
the library and consumed a volume 
of Neal's English books and choked 
and — 

Chap. 11 
The family of the noted defective 
was notified. Herr Tonic got Necca 
Wafers' job. 



Albert J. Kelley, '13, has recently 
given up his position teaching in 
Natick in order to work for Street 
and Walker. Albert says he hopes he 
can stay with those people a long time. 


She works on the first floor and other 
stories. By Iva Hunch. 

How to become a Millionaire. 
By Crook. 

My secrets of Beauty. By James 

Elementary Hebrew. By Murphy. 

Advantages of National Prohibi- 
tion. By J. Rainwater Buze. 


It just come to light how Doc. • 

Grant received a captaincy. H. D. ■ 
G. explains as follows: "It was on 

account of my shape. My legs \ 

especially are perfectly shaped except ; 

that one of them is v/arped." j 

Kelleher is smoking an awful lot i 

of cigars lately. We hope the next ! 

lot will be different from those \ 

Havana Fumigata's. j 

Cy Little attended the motion ' 

pictures while at home last week and 

reported that he was deeply moved. | 


Bartley is very much worried over I 

the fact that a noted geologist claims \ 

that Cape Cod will be washed 

away in 25,000,000,000 years. 

"Every Blow Above the Belt" 

Harper's allowance has been cut 
down to $200 for next month on 
account of his extravagance in pur- 
chasing collars. 

The Lulu bird says: Water is 
useful for rusting stomachs, putting 
under bridges and throwing Freshmen 

A good job for a lazy man — check- 
ing hats in a Quaker Church. 

When Vener, '15, was asked the 
function of the stomach in Vet. Sci. 
the other day he answered that the 
function of the stomach is to hold 
up your pants. 

The Prohibition Club is going to 
have its annual banquet at Flaherty's 
Road House at Bay Rum. 


Lips that touch liquor shall never 
touch mine — Sammy Zehrung. 

The hand that rocks the cradle rules 
the world— Pop Stanford. 


We are expecting a lot from George 
Day in Track this next Spring 
because he can cover a lot of ground 
with his feet. 

DENT occuring at the College Barber 

Bishop, '15, had his hair cut close 
to the Bone. 

No wonder Boyer is a good fighter. 
He was named Edward Everett Hale, 
and his mother curled his hair until 
he was 14. He had to fight. 

Monday — ^Jog to North Amherst. 
Tuesday — Come back. 
Wednesday — Use Omega Oil. 

Should automobiles be forgot and 
never brought to mind. 

Than thank the Lord that Henry Ford 
has got the only kind. 

Dear Miss Delia Dope: 

Not long ago I met a very nice 
and pretty girl at a masquerade 
party. After every one had removed 
their masks I asked one of my 
friends to introduce me to her, 
for I knew it was love at first sight 
for both of us. After being intro- 
duced we chatted for a while until 
she asked me why I didn't remove 
my mask now as nearly every one 
else had. I had already removed it 
and I told her so but she thought I 
was fooling. 

When she left that night she said, 
"O would like you to call on me as 
I am dying to see how you look 
without that funny face on, you 
old tease." 

Now, what shall I do. I want to 
call on her very much as I do not 
think I could live unless I could see 
her wonderful features once more. 
My heart is yearning to see her again, 
but what am I to do about the mask 
she thinks I am wearing. 
Awaiting a reply, I am, 

O. Watta Mugg. 

Adam said to Eve, "I'm going down to 'The' 
Drugstore." Naturally he meant 


The public may be "going to the Dogs," 
but it's only to the 


We believe in Low Tariff and the Full Dinner 

Pail. For the Best Candies and Cookies 

at the Lowest Price, see 


We are neutral, we don't care who licks the 
Germans, so long as we have received 
our latest line Parisian neckties. 

The Hardave Co. 

Lipshire and Worthley, '18, Agents 
"Just the thing for Xmas " 

To be in style doesn't require a fellow to be a 

steel-cut fashion plate. But requires 

good fitting clothes at a reasonable 



Get the Berlin Restaurant habit. If it gets 
you, the Doctor wont. 


This isn't a Provision Store, still we'll pro- 
vide anything you care for 


Jim Nasium will soon be sneaking around; 
for your athletic outfit see 

Taylor's Sporting Goods 

Stiles '17 and Gillette '18, Agents 

A Good Feed is more to be desired than 
Great Riches, that's what you get at 


A tight shoe is like a Bear Trap, you suffer 

until you cake your foot out. For 

sensible footwear, visit 


In the field of good tailoring Hooper plays 
riehc field. 

Hooper— The Red Light Shop 

Mr. Ponce De Leon went looking for the 

"Fountain of Youth," he never found 

it because he never came to 

Metcalf s Bowling Alley 

A fellow said, "I'll see you tomorrow." He's 

blind now. For Safety's Sake see 

Barlow today for Insurance 

Barlow, over the Amherst Bank 

A Photograph is a study in which you get 

your marks at face value. Take a 

course for Christmas at 


"F. A. is my Shepard, 
He's got what I want." 

[Freshman Bible.] 


Success is the fruit of hard labor. But we sell 
all other fruits. 

Amherst Fruit Store 

A quiet study of one of our best sellers will 
bring you satisfaction and content. 

Amherst Book Store 

I wont force my arguments concerning the 

European War on you with a razor. 

Absolute Neutrality shown. 


In answering advertisements, please mention the "War Cry" 




NO. 8 

The Busy Bees — 
Seek pleasure and delight, 
Dart here and there in crazy flight 
And flit from BUD to BUSH. 

While The Busy Students — 
Seek pleasure and delight, 
Dart here and there in crazier flight 
And flit from BUSCH to BUD. 


One day Billy asked a soph who v/as 
trying hard to pass. 

To multiply the unknown X by a 
known molecular mass. 

The student's thoughts were of vaca- 
tion — he should have known better. 

For when he wrote X times mass he 
left out the final letter. 

So when Billy saw his paper he began 
to fume and fuss. 

For what the student wrote on the 
paper was only Xmas. 

The heavy artillery bowling team 
of West Entry No. College has been 
picked. The candidates met at Met's 
and strung off a few strings. After 
the firing ceased and Metcalf deter- 
mined the damage to his alleys 
and counted the number of dead pin 
boys, the team was picked. Only a 
few suffered injures, most of them 
injuring their reputations. The fol- 
lowing men were picked — Capt. Whorf 
commonly known as "Clean-Up," 
"King- Pin" Grant whose cross fire 
under hand bowling caused a sensation 
(in his own opinion), "Strike" Masse 
whose speedy ball caused Met to 
put asbestos on the alley for fear 
that the wood would get scorched, 
"Duck" Moore the Beverly Bowling 
team who even caused the nine pins 

to stand up and take notice, and 
"Spare" Rogers who broke the record 
for busting the pins and supplied 
Metcalf with enough kindling to 
last him thru the year. Thru Mgr, 
Patterson the team challenges a team 
from any other entry or either dorm 
for a match. Supply your own 
makings. Uniformed teams preferred. 


Scene — The Golden Gates. 
Old Angel Gabriel on guard. 
Alarums outside the gate, 

A, G. — Who comes there? 

1st applicant — A friend desiring 

A. G. — -Your name and address, 

1st applicant — S. B, Haskell, F, O, 
B. Amherst. 

A. G. — It would be neither feasible 
nor sound practice to let you in. 
Move on and give the rest a chance. 

2nd applicant — May I enter? 

A. G. — Your name? 

2nd applicant — Dr. Cance. 

A. G. — What have you ever done 
to v/arrant admission? 

Doc. Cance — I have statistics over 
a series of years showing — 

A. G. — Pass right in Doc and make 
yourself at home. 

3rd applicant — Ahem, I would like 
to pass thru these gates. 

A. G. — ^Well, who are you? 

3rd applicant — Dr. Clarence Gor- 

A. G. Nothing stirring. Doc. 
Take the elevator, two doors to the 
right. (Voice from the elevator, 
"Going Down.") 

"Every Knock a Boost'* 



Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00. 

"Sid" Masse, . '. . Editor-in-Chief 

"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor 
"Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager 

"Gibby" Perry 

Society and Circulating Editor 

"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby. 

4th applicant — Who runs this 
bloomin' place anyhow? 

A. G. — Who are you and what do 
you want, young man? 

4th applicant — Ernest Anderson is 
my name and I want to get in. 

A. G. — What have you ever done 
on earth to expect such a privilege? 

Doc Anderson — Why, I taught 
Sty Farrar the application of the law 
of Mass. action to the 

A. G. — Sufficient, sufficient, come 
right in, Ernest, I have a front seat 
reserved for you. 

5th applicant — 

A. G. — Well look who's here, my 
old friend Prof. Hart. 

Prof — ^Woof, Greetings, Gabriel. 
May I pass on to the celestial realm? 

A. G. — By all means Prof. Go as 
far as you like. 

6th applicant, limping up to the 
gates with the help of his crutches. 
The Angel Gabriel advanced with out- 
stretched hand to greet him. "Put 
that hand down," roared the Bloke. 

A. G. (meekly) — Yes, sir. 

Bloke — Show methe most comfort- 
able place in Heaven. 

A. G. — Yes, sir. Anything else, sir? 

Bloke — Where do you keep your 

Lastly Smith came tripping lightly 
up to the gate saying, "Oh, please 
may I come in, I think it is perfectly 
delightful up here. 

A. G. — Go around to the ladies' 

Just then the whistle blew and old 
Gabriel locked the gates for the night. 


Bill Hatfield has been having 
trouble with his eyes. He gets them 
fixed on a certain point and then he 
can't move them. This is particularly 
true when Bill focuses his optics in 
the direction of the girls' tables. 
The doctor prescribed an alarm clock 
to bring him out of his trance. 

Did you know that Fritz Hyde's 
mustache is genuine horse-hair? 

Nobody home but the War Cry, 
and that comes out Friday. 

Hungry Mars, preaching to the Boy 
Scouts of Walpole while at home last 
week : "Little boys, save your pennies 
and when you come to college you 
can buy cigarettes for me with them." 

The Dean and the Registrar are 
the colleges best supporters — a' good 
pair of suspenders. (It will sink in 
in time) . 

No matter how long you linger, they 
will nail you in the end. Takem and 
Boxem, Undertakers Adv. 

Wanted by the East Entry Co- 
operation Association — A strong vig- 
orous muscular washerwoman to do 
light house work Saturday mornings. 
Must be capable of moving radiators, 
pianos, etc. If a washerwoman is 
unobtainable the Springfield Street 
Cleaning Dept. will do. 

Now that Lincoln Bain Scott, 
M. A. C. ex-'15, at present of the 
University of Illinois faculty, has 
returned home after a visit here 
West Entry No. College is in fine 
condition for repairs. 

'Tis an ill wind that blows more 
than the Jinx, '16. 

"Every Blow Above the Belt" 


Diki Raha_ -Italian nobleman and 
proprietor of le Hampanio Inn. 
Nona Licentio_ -Candidate for ruler 

of city and enemy of Raha. 
Alco Holiclikor__Only support of 

Gin Riki__ Faithful servant to Raha. 
Scene — Raha's Inn. Green river 
near by. Gin Riki standing near 
holding a Horse's Neck. 

Diki (Cursing under his breath) — 
Olio butta nabisco, anchovi cristofo 
columbo il dago. It iza heluva note! 
Gin Riki (Emptying 4 glasses of 
wine, count 'em Y Y Y Y) — Diki mia, 
Wutsa troubla? 

Diki (Looking out into the dark 
night with the stars above like this 
.■c**********) — J jnusta lookouta for 

Non Licentio, Lu docstada nigga 

Gin R. (Already beginning to see 
snakes such as SSS SS S) — Piano 
solo, Diki, wut isit the matta? 

Diki (Handling his v/ife's ear rings 
?????? which he may have to take to 
the pawn shop O O O in case of 
necessity) — Ohio, nu jerzi alabama 
nevada. Nono Licentio heewilla maik 
grande tri to exile Alco Holiclikor 
froma le citi, goshalmiti! 

Gin R. (Making a dash — across + 
the room) — Cremo Fi' cento cheap 
smokala, Nevair or Igo too. 

Diki (Thinking of the money that 
might be in some one else's pocket 
instead of his own $$$$$$$$)— Wee 
mustanot leta Nona win, fortha juli 

Gin R. (Adjusting his glasses 0-0 
not his Y Y Y Y) — I weela tempta 
Voterinos soasto disposa ofhim, 

Diki (Looking sharply about) — 
Chop sui, mia cheri Riki, gotuit 

Gin R. (Going on the scent) — Tet- 
razzini cavalHri caruso, revenge! 

(Curtain) . 

Scene H — Same. Time — May 1st. 
Alco Holiclikor leaving with Gin 
Riki, Tom Collins, King Wm. Scotch, 
and others. Diki in tears. 

Alco — Aufwiedersehen, mia, Diki, 
afta mani yeers musta weepart. 

Diki — Verdammta hund Nona 
Licentio, he isa wun hunkocheese. 
But macaroni vermecilla spaghetti 
waita le yeer nexta. 

Alco — Yoobetyorlife, nexta teim I 
cum bak. 

Diki— Quinci sorethrota, lama un- 

Alco — Cheerup, onli wunyeer. 
Dontbee unhappi, Diki daffi crazi. 

Dik, — lama unhappi not for me 
onli, Fordautomobile san franciso! 

Alco — Forhoo U feela sad? 

Diki — For 1' Aggie boys from Am- 
herstineo. Zai will perish from thirst. 

Grand exit march, 
("How dry I am") 

The Lulu Bird Says: — 

The fellow who picked up a fumble 
and ran towards his own goal didn't 
have any cigars named after him. 

The pictures of the Tufts game 
caused numerous letters to be written 
to Capt. "Giggie" Melican. All were 
marriage proposals. 

Among the ball players that are 
still holding out and have not signed 
their contracts for next spring are 
Ed. King and George Palmer. Ed. 
is holding out until the Dean will 
allow him 90 per cent of his cuts 
instead of the customary 10 per cent 
while George wont sign unless the 
team plays an exhibition game with 
Brookline High. 



Our dogs were never known to have had 



You want to take time enough to buy your 

jewelry here for Christmas before going 



We can't stop to sit beside the Cracker 

Barrel and discuss the War — but if you 

want the goods for a spread in your 

room some night, call on 


Some people go over to Hamp for glasses (??) 

But you ought to be temperate and wise 

by seeing 

S. S. HYDE— Jeweler 

We serve a special Combination Breakfast 

from 6 to 10 every morn and it can't be 

beat. There's no place like home, 

and the 



We will give away a ten cent box of chocolates 
for ten cents 


Our Gymnasium Suits are reinforced in the 


"There's a Reason." 

Taylor's Sporting Goods 

GILLETTE, '18, Agent 

Matrimony is the tie that binds. 
But our "ties" are bound to "suit." 
Nuf Ced. 


A carpenter carries a foot rule but our foot 

rule is comfort, neatness, and economy. 

For your own sake visit 


"It's a Long Way to Tipperary" 

But it's a short way to Scottie's and the only 

way to have your pressing done 

Hooper — ^The Red Light Shop 

You can win your M. B. T. by visiting Mets ; 

If you can't bowl, play pool, ' 

If you can't do either, learn both at > 



I am situated over the Amherst bank so as 

to be "over-safe." You can be "like- J 

wise" by calling on me \ 

Barlow, over fne Amherst Bank 

After eating at the Copley Plaza for a week, 

Rockefeller took a week's rest of pleasure 

and good eating at 

Eddie's Columbia Cafe 

Whether or not your room-mate's shirts and 

collars fit you, you ought to know that 

I carry a "swell" line of gent's 



You can't get m.uch in the M. A. C orchard 

now, but you can get the best of fruit 


Amherst Fruit Store 

I can't raise hair on you if you are bald, but 

I can take them off before you look like 

Rip Van Winkle 


Don't hesitate; this is not a Rogues' Gallery, 
but the one best bet for a genuine pho- 
tograph that don't lie 


In answering advertisements, please mention the "War Cry" 



Vol. I No. 9 
see 45/00/F7 




NO. 10 


We're coming, we're coining, 

A brave little band. 
On the right side of temperance, 

We'll sure take our stand. 
We don't use tobacco. 

And we know what we think, 
That those who do use it. 

Most usually drink. 

January — ^This month will be cold. 
Students will remain in rooms at 
nights, especially toward the latter 
part of month. A select crowd will 
leave college because of the fact 
that they never did like M. A. C. 
anyhow. There will be skating every 
day except on days on which hockey 
games are scheduled, when water 
polo will be in vogue. 

February — A score or more of 
Juniors with a few from other classes 
will don undertakers' suits. These 
suits are worn with the air of being 
used to it. Some of course are used 
to them, such as those who worked 
in fashionable summer hotels. Many 
of the folks at home will receive word 
from their sons that the price of 
renting a seat in Sunday chapel has 
gone up, and that every one in college 
has been taxed $16.13 to help the 
Belgium sufferers, etc. The real 
sufferers will be seen leaving the 
drill-hall at 5 a. m. There will be 
many 8c meals bought at the 
lunch counter. 

We predict that Springfield will 
be beaten in hockey. 

March — This will be the third 
month in the year in every city in 

Massachusetts, including East Lever- 
ett. There will be much scrimmaging 
between the first and second string 
Musical Clubs, so as to get in to shape 
for the Spring trip. The trouble in 
former years has been that the Musical 
team has not been accustomed to 
the strange air currents on other 
stages than the chapel stage. This 
fault will be corrected by having 
the practice held in the tower of 
South followed by a snappy gargle. 

Farmer's week will attract many 
good sailors, club-men, taxi-drivers, 
etc., from various parts. These 
men will be of great use to our 
athletic teams. 

April — Brooks wall have completed 
his course in engineering, for the last 
trip home will have been completed. 
Of course "Pigeon-toe" may try to 
sell the freshmen their tickets for 
banquet season. 

Another tree will make its ap- 
pearance on the campus. It m.ay be 
grafted or it may be budded, but it is 
safe to say that it wont be left 

As there are very few college-days 
in this month, Buell will have less 
days to sleep over the first hour. 

May — Banquet rules will be as 
follows: The two classes will indulge 
in a game of tag. The bounds shall 
be between the Drill-Hall and North 
College. Participants shall not con- 
ceal themselves in any building and 
vociferous yelling, or uncalled-for 
forceful tagging will not be tolerated. 
The Freshman president must not 
wear corduroys and must carry a 
trig book under his arm so as to aid 
the Sophs in identifying him. 

In order to get a larger class of 

**Every Knock a Boost" 



Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00. 

"Sid" Masse, . . . Editor-in-Chief 

"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor 
"Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager 
"Gibby" Perry . . . . 

Society and Circulating Editor 

"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby. 

Co-eds, High School Day will be 
given over entirely to girl visitors 
on the campus. 

Baseball team will be continuing 
to win games. Plaisted will be struck 
with a pitched ball on the right 
elbow and will limp to first rubbing 
his left eye. 

June — ^See January. Substitute 
word "warm" for "cold" and word 
"first" for "latter" part of month. 
There wont be any skating but there 
will be some slipping on the part of 
some in the finals. 

Grand Bull Fight at Pratt Field. 
Nuf 'Ced. 

There will be a Sophomore-Senior 
Hop with the accent on the hop. 

Commencement will mean some- 
thing to ' 15. It will be the commence- 
ment of job-hunting time. Seniors 
will bury hatchet with '16, and they 
will also bury their sorrow at parting 
with one another at the Senior 

July — Summer School will help 
to entertain a few who can't get away 
from the old place. '15 still looking 
for jobs. Tarr wins prize for first 
'15 baby. (Maybe). 

August — Curran orders football 
men to start practice. Training 
confined chiefly to Fatimas and early 
hours for retiring (2 a. m. is early 
enough). Some '15 men still looking 

for jobs. Summer school will end and 
many hearts broken. i 

September — College will open this 
month unless the trustees decide to 
open the college year in August 
instead. There will be no Freshman 
Parade. There was none in the fall 
of 1914, so 1917 will see that there 
will be none in 1915. The annual 
"60 man pull" across the pond will 
be held at night so the Freshmen may 
overcome their bashfulness before 
going thru the pond. Some aren't 
used to the encouragement from the 
town girls and hence, attempt to gain 
sympathy or else show their bravery 
by crossing the water. 

Some '15 men will be seen around 
college — still looking for a job. 

October — Cambridge will wake up 
to the fact that there is something 
the matter with the Harvard football 
schedule. "The 'ard matches are 
supposed to come at the end of the 
schedule, you know old chap." 

The old grads (including '15) will 
be there to see ye old Aggie team give 
the Crimson a surprise. 

The Dean's Board will be as in- 
teresting as the list of "missing" 
over in Europe. There will prob- 
ably be some Freshmen and Sopho- 
mores on the list. 

November — A new Ted Lewis 
Club will be formed which will try 
to equal the good work of the former 
officers of the Club. 

Chesley will be as popular as the 
food he hands out. "Tell us what 
you eat and we will tell you what you 

There will be lots of weather this 
month. Hank will not be present 
but "Tich" will have the calendars 
just the same. 

"Every Blow Above the Belt" 

Springfield will be put away — on 
the new athletic field (?). 

December — Look out for an epi- 
demic of Hydrophobia in North and 
South Dorms, This is characterized 
by the affected persons starting a 
general uprising, things being thrown 
around, doors taken off of the hinges, 
radiators thrown out of the windows, 
windows smashed, et cetera. A 
slight (?) attack of this dreaded 
disease was known to have broken 
out in Dec. 1914, 

Christmas, coming this year on 
the 25th, will probably be spent at 
home. Before leaving, friends will 
shake hands and say : "Merry Christ- 
mas, old top. Will see you on the 
special going back," etc. 


We place ourselves at the head of 
this column this week, after thinking 
over the issue we handed out for the 
Xmas number. Some one informed 
us that the cartoons were rotten. 
Well, that's where the funny part came 

Charlie Huntington got a box of 
Page and Shaw's for Christmas for 
some one else. Eureka, Charles! 

Spaulding, '18, received the iron 
cross for being the fastest knitter 
in South Hingham. 

"Cupid" Warren will never enter 
the ring. Every time he swings the 
floor comes up and hits him. Crutches 
weren't built for fast men, were they 

Resolution No. 801 — "I am thru 
with all forms of tobacco except the 
makings, Fatimas and Sunday night 
cigars. You couldn't tempt me with a 
cubeb." Signed: J. S. Pike, Jr. 


After completing the season with 
the B. A. A, Hockey team, Det 
Jones and Jack Hutch', '14 are going 
into the ice business together, just 
to keep in practice. 

Dick Powers, founder of the Pro- 
hibition Club while in college, is 
trying to get Dicky Rahar to join the 
Salvation Army with him. 

We haven't learned yet whether 
or not Macone, '13, has followed 
Big Sam's example. 

"Doc." Fay, '13, has been missing 
from his home. It is reported he 
got lost while pruning in the forests 
of Monson. 


Now, I have had you remain so 
that I could give you these registra- 
tion cards, not that they are any use 
to me, but I want to have something 
from all of you to remember you by in 
future years. Now you can take your 
time about filling these out. There's 
no hurry, but just please try and have 
them ready for me before the end of the 
year. If you are repeating anything, 
leave it out unless you want to put 
it on the bottom of the card as a 
reminder that you have something 
to repeat. I am always pleased 
with the promptness with which 
you fellows get these cards filled 
out. If any of you have any objec- 
tions to filling out your registration 
card, why just throw it away. That's 
all. Thank you. 

I will be on the Aggie Special Monday night, 
with a complete and new line of College and 
Fraternity Pennants, Banners and Pillows. 


Where PARAMOUNT pictures are shown 


Tell Shorty your troubles and he will 
fix you up 0. K. 



Dissatisfaction is unknown by our patrons. 

Come over with the bunch after finals and 
enjoy yourself. 

Hoot Mon 
Scottie is the man to press your clothes 


Hooper— The Red Light Shop 

Short-Course Men Take Notice 

Eat at the 


and feel satisfied 

No questions asked as to where you go 
your money — $10 buys a good sweater. 

Taylor & Co. 

STILES, '17, GILLEl TE, '18, Agents 



Official Alleys of the Aggie Bowling Team 
Practise daily 


Choice Bon Bons is our middle name 

vided for their wives and children by Insuring 
with me. A word to the wise — 


Barlow, over the Amherst Bank 

We sell Everything, credit extended to some. 

Head to Foot Outfitter 


(No matter how tall you may be) 


"A Pipe, a Book, a Fire, a Friend ..." 

We have the Books 

The College Tonsorial Artist pleases the 
most fastidious. 

Amherst Book Store 


The Correct Clothes at the Correct Prices. 

If you entertain the slightest doubt as to 
the veracity of this statement, Come in. 

Bring in your films for developing and 
printing. Promt and efficient work done at 



In answering advertisements, please mention the "War Cry" 




NO. 11 


Starting with the first of February, 
1915, competition will start for the 
War Cry board for next year. Many 
fellows have asked us who would run 
the paper after this year and some 
have informed us that they were 
going to be our successors. This 
latter statement was a surprise to 
us because we had already decided 
to run some sort of competition 
for it. Therefore, we wish to announce 
that any one may pass in editorials, 
cartoons, adds of any of the adver- 
tisers on our paper and hand in same 
to box No. 40 North College, addressed 
to War Cry. The best of these writ- 
ings and drawings will go to determine 
the various ofificers for next year 
and in order to avoid any criticism 
as to favoritism, etc. we will publish 
the same with the writer's name. 
Every thing will be on the square 
and any members of the three lower 
classes will be eligible. 


Under the direction of the Elite 
Table Society, consisting of such 
social favorites as the members of 
Messrs. Hall's, MeUcan's, and a few 
other tables, a course entitled "Eti- 

quette of the Dining Room" or "Don't 
throw while the Head Waiter's Look- 
ing," will be offered. This course is 
recommended to those who intend 
to enter society and those who wish 
to study some of the problems 
affecting the advance price of board 
at the Hash-House and the present 
lack of rebate. It deals with self- 
control, the art of dodging, leader- 
ship and target practice. Oppor- 
tunity will be given to make use of 
the latent ability of spilling the soup 
on the table-cloth, gargling, breaking 
soft boiled eggs on the cash register, 
etc. Open to all ; Prerequisite Course 
I in Home Economics and Course 
HI in Feeds and other things I have 
Eaten. Discredit — 3. 


Fire Alarm- 

4 Bells- 

7 Bells- 

17 Bells- 

12 Bells- 

3 Bells- 

310 Bells- 

22 Bells- 

Fire on East St. (Lei 

it blaze). 

Fire at will. 

Wake up Melvin Graves. 

Dinner time. 

Practice. (False alarm) . 

Fire the town cop. 

(Tom Dillon's death 

knell last year). 

Riot call. (Class scraps, 


**Every Knock a Boost" 



Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00. 

"Sid" Masse, . . • Editor-in-Chief 

"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor 
^'Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager 

"Gibby" Perry 

Society and Circulating Editor 

"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby. 

Post Office — Stamps on sale from 
10 A. M. to 8 P. M. All prices, all 
flavors, licked or unlicked. Prices 

Mail arrives (for particulars see 
B. & M. time table). 

Mail delivered, to town residences, 
when the fast-mail (Sleepy Moses) 
gets around. F. A. Anderson will 
deliver mail to Agricultural College 
when his bicycle allows him to. 

All correspondence strictly con- 
fidential, excepting postals. 

Railroad Stations — ^B. & M. sta- 
tion, two tracks. Trains running 
both ways. On time by mistake. 
A beautiful 4 hour ride which is an 
hour and a quarter longer than any 
other R. R. in the country offers for 
the same price. 

C. V. station. Also two tracks. 
Trains run anyway except the right 
way. Recommended especially for 
people suffering with nervous trouble. 
A quiet, restful week spent in one 
afternoon's ride to Palmer. 

Churches — The town offers a large 
assortment of churches of all denom- 
inations, all of them largely supported 

by the students. Two college chapels ' 
used as a People's Palace, for fatigued ; 
and deserving students. ; 

Summer Resorts — Beautiful East 1 


St.-by-the-Sea. Rates reasonable. | 
Fresh, salt, pickled or sewage water. \ 

Mt. Toby, Sugar-Loaf, etc. Moun- 
tain air. Gets the last stifling fumes 1 
from the college chem. labs. A good j 
sanitorium for botanists. \ 

Brooks Farm — Fresh cream, eggs, ■ 
and vegetables sent direct from the ; 
town stores. - ; 

Wildwood — No automobiles . 

allowed. '> 



Schools and Colleges — Kindergar- I 
ten , grammar schools, and high schools, ' 
Herrick School. For all sorts and all ' 
ages. Epidemics an annual event. \ 

Colleges speak for themselves. Both ! 

have a complete line of books, lab. ; 

fees, professors and otherwise. De- ■ 

grees — B. A., B. Sc, M. Sc. Fahren- ■ 

heit and Centigrade. : 

Police Dep't — He's one of the best ; 
in the town. ] 

Secret Service^Plain clothes man. ! 
Fully equipped with badge and you ; 
ought to see him take tickets at the ; 

movies. 1 



Street Cleaning Dep't — Business j 
picking up. j 

Business Houses— See WAR CRY ; 
advertisers. ! 

Population — Last census (1880) j 
shows gain over previous census, j 
including Stanford, Pease and Taber. ! 


'Every Blow Above the Belt" 


Why is it — 

"Dutch" Schlotterback ordered a 
sweater from Prof. Hicks with the 
following dimensions : Bust, 36 ; Waist 
3-4th the length of his own arm ; nar- 
row sleeves and all wool? 

That Ricker passed out "Flor de 
Punke" cigars? 

Fat Warren don't run for a car? 

A mustache Kid Gere wears? 

What the College Store is "Always 

Your registration card is not yet 
filled out? 

On account of the high cost of 
living caused by the present war, it 
was impossible for the people of 
Greater New York, in those sections 
where the Roister Doisters played 
to throw egg-fruit, soft apples, or 
green roses howsoever much they 
may have wished to have done so. 
Cruel War! 

Two one-act dramas presented on 
the trip. 

"Nobody Home" 

Scene — Stage, before rehearsal in 

Principles — Sack Clark and Buck- 

Clark — Say, Buck, what's to be 
the middle of the stage tonight? 

Hasty exit for Buckman. 


"Somebody home, but not so 
you'd notice it" 

Scene — Sitting room in a home in 
Paterson, N. J. 

Time — Morning after the night 

Principals — E. R. Selkregg and a 
maiden lady, his hostess. 

Curtain rises. 

Selkregg twirling his non- 
chalantly and dreaming of "Miss 
Cutup" whom he had danced with 
the night before. 

The hostess busily engaged knitting 
and talking to Selkregg like the 
Sphinx does when somebody asks it 
how it is. Ain't it? 

Selkregg (smiling) — Everybody is 
knitting for the Belgians these days. 
Aren't they? 

Maiden Lady — Oh yes, yes, yes, 
to be sure. But I'm knitting for a 
scawf. Really, I am. 

S. (getting the drift, as usual, 
wrong) — Oh so you're knitting for 
the Scotch, well you're the first 
person I've met who was knitting for 

M. L. (interrupting) — Oh, ne-o, ne- 
o, I'm knitting for a Scawf. 

S. — Oh, yes, I see, you're knittiDg 
a scarf. 

Congealed water looks, Sphinx 

Quick curtain. 

Patronize the War Cry advertisers 

When you're in you're out if you are not in 


The place that will make you think life worth 

Where PARAMOUNT pictures are shown 




Ask any one what the best medicine for that 

funny feeling is, and they will tell you 

"A good feed" at 


Regular dinners and suppers, special breakfasts 

Get hep to our line of Candy and Cookies 


The College Man's Lunch — Nuf Ced 

Columbia Cafe 



Home made Candy and Ice Cream 

College Candy Kitchen 

15^ Pleasant Street 

We have all kinds of papers except cigarette 
papers, all pens except pig-pens and all books 
except bank books. 

Amherst Book Store 

Don't you wish that your friends had 
bought those Christmas ties and other pres- 
ents here. Why not wear the kind of cloth- 
ing they wont kid you about. 

You've probably broken most of your New 
Year's resolutions by this time, except that 
resolution to get your smokes, drugs and 
accessories at 


Whether 'Hamp is wet or dry we do dry 

Everything from a shoe-string to a suit dyed 

Bay State Dye House 

15 Masonic Street Northampton 

If this was summer Scottie would recom- 
mend kilts, but for this time of the year 
he advises you to-try keeping your old clothes 
new by letting him repair and press them. 

Hooper— The Red Light Shop 

A misprint in our last add might have made 
you think that you could not buy a sweater 
from us at less than .'810. We have them from 
$3.50 up. 


Stiles, '17; Gillette, '18, Agents 

Get into condition before and lose that 
grouchy appearance after finals at 


You had better get insured before you 
catch the Foot-and-Mouth disease. A man 
that is insured has some consolation after 
a calamity. 

Barlow, over the Amherst Bank 

We are not robbers. We will take your money j 

but we give you something worth while ; 

in return ' 


. j 

Just because it's cold weather don't mean •] 

that you have to let the hair grow on your ' 

head and face. See me before you lose your ■-; 

reputation. i- 


Meet the Camera Face to Face 

If you expect to get flunked out give your 
friends something to remember you by. 

If you are expecting to get by have a picture 
taken of yourself to give to your departing 


In answ«ring advertisements, please mention the "War Cry" 




NO. 12 


We wish to apologize with much 
regret for the seemingly carelessness 
and disrespect shown by printing the 
name of the late Mr. Pease in our 
last number. At the time that we 
sent our copy to press we did not 
know of the death of this man and 
we did not have time to read the 
proofs. This fact must have been 
understood by most of our readers, 
but there are probably some who did 
not take this into account. 


(For the rest of the year) 
On account of a number of speakers 
. cancelling their engagements to speak 
at Sunday Chapel the following men 
have been obtained in their places: 
Rev. Harry Lauder 
Dr. Jack Johnson 
Rabbi Maranville 
Mr. Harry Thaw 
Prof. Jesse Pomeroy 
Mr. Samuel Langford 
Sir Vernon Castle 

Our noted weather forecaster, R. 
E. McLain, wishes to explain the 
system of determining the weather 
by the flags he raises. 

A white flag means that the weather 
will be fair. By "fair" is meant 
anything from a fairly large sized 
snow storm to a volcanic eruption. 

A white flag with a blue pennant 
above and a black pennant below in 
which the middle flag has a black cross 
in the left hand corner, and the 
lowest flag is turned with the outside 
towards the direction in which the 

wind is blowing, and the flag above 
the others flutters in the wind now 
and then means that there will be 
rainy weather the day after tomorrow, 
unless there should be a slight flurry 
of snow or a day of cloudiness, and the 
temperature in this case will be much 
warmer when the thermometer reads 
higher than when the weather was 
colder in which case the day will be 
cool and rainier, no, rain and coolier, 
that is — rainy and more cool than 
what you could expect when you left 
your raincoat at home and your 
rubbers, etc. 
Simple isn't it? 

The West Entry Bowling Team 
vanquished their opponents the Middle 
Entry and Tower Team of South 
College at Mets by the score of 1213 
to 1 183. The winners are still looking 
for challenges. Moore again starred 
for W. Entry and Melican for the 

By the way, "Duke" Wellington 
challenges "Jake" Lewis to a game of 
Hyde and Seek down at the Arena; 
six laps and winner take all. 

Breathes there a girl with hair so red 

Who never to herself has said. 

This is my own — but I wish it wasn't. 


A cry for help from the waters dark, 
The youth hears it in the park. 
He tears off his overcoat and shoes 
For he knows he has no time to lose. 
But he did not save the man I know, 
For he was a "real" not a "reel" hero. 

"Every Knock a Boost" 



Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00. 

"Sid" Masse, . . . Editor-in-Chief 

"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor 
"Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager 

"Gibby" Perry 

Society and Circulating Editor 

"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby. 

He tore off his coat because he has ter 
In order to be able to run away faster. 
But lo! There on the track a small 

child stands 
And the train not far from its out- 
stretched hands. 
But he did not save the child I know 
For he was a "real" not a "reel" hero. 

But it was not heroism our hero lacked 
For he bought a Carnegie medal for 

his act. 
He continued to do good the very next 

When he saw a robber beat a cop 

where he lay. 
In the fight the youth did not receive 

a blow 
For he was a "real" not a "reel" hero. 

The youth entered college in the fall, 
And ye gods! how he played football. 
In the big game of the year he played 
You should have seen the run he made. 
Well, he did not save the game I know 
For he was a "real" not a "reel" hero. 

The run he made was towards his 

His fame was so great he had to leave 

His family now on him relying 
From want of food were slowly dying. 

(One hour and 7 min. to change 
the reels) 

But he did not save his family I know 
For he was a "real" not a "reel" hero. 

The youth looked for a job all thru I 

the year, I 

Until he was stripped to his very last ! 

beer, : 

Then at last he worked as a movie ' 


And played the part as leading factor. ] 

Well, he saved everyone you know ' 

For he was not a "real" but a "reel" i 

hero. ■ 


Start in early to prepare for your ] 
exams. Stay in nights but give up 

enough nights to pleasure so that j 

you won't get stale. Don't cram the ; 

night before but get everything in ) 

to your noodle at the last minute ; 

and whatever you do, don't prepare ' 

a crib unless it is absolutely necessary | 
in which case don't use it,because that's 
very dishonest. If you decide to use 

a crib, get up something original, ^ 

so that after finals you can tell J 

your friends how clever you were in 1 

fooling them. If you should get i 
caught with it, be sure and tell the 

Prof, that you had no intention of i 

using it — that it is not a crib but a ] 

paper with some notes on it and you j 

had just taken it out of your pocket to i 

see if you had taken it with you by < 

mistake. A Prof, will always believe \ 

a story like that. If you get stuck i 

out, write home and tell the folks that | 

the trustees have advised you to stay ■ 
out of college a year and get a little 

practical knowledge. I 

_ i 

"Phi Onyu Phi" — The Honorary j 

fraternity 90 percent, of the class will ' 


'Every Blow Above the Belt' 

Absence makes the marks grow 

A little cribbing now and then is 
relished by the best of men. 


Appropriation for a regular chef. 

$25,000 for High School Day. 

$105.16 for a couple of new Rural 
Soc. profs. 

15 cents for a shave for Potter, '15. 

$200 for a Rathskeller in the base- 
ment of South. 

for the Chorus-Girls Course. 

The Looloo Birds Says: 

A howling cat often has his larynx 
oiled up with a brick. Moral — Don't 
tell everybody everything you know, 
save it all for exams. 

Bob Frost the Laundry Agent, says 
that there has been an avalanche of 
the old style white cuffs received. 
As the Kaiser would say: — "In times 
of peace prepare for war." 

There will be no Way- Cry the week 
of Mid-Year Exams. Another Eight 
Page Copy the week after. 

Fitzgerald is not on speaking terms 
with the rest of us. He mistook his 
tongue for a chew of gum, with very 
disastrous results. 

Now is the time when a certain 
few of the sophomore class think of 
electing Physics for a major. 

From a Boston Newspaper 

Aggie Win from West Point 7 to 1 

Yesterday the Amherst Aggies de- 
feated the West Point hockey team 
7 to 1 in a game in which the Massa- 
chusetts micn showed themselves supe- 
rior in every department of the game. 
Massachusetts State could score at 
will, but after securing five goals, 
M. A. C. slowed down and was 
content with two more goals, com- 
ing in the latter part of the game. 

The Amherst A. C. showed lots of 
team work and the Army showed a 
lack of practice. Ross started the 
scoring for the "Farmers" and Fernald 
and Johnson added two more in 
very quick order. Archibald, Wool- 
ley and Chisholm did their part in 
the scoring for Amherst. Butterick 
the star goal tender of the Massa- 
chusetts Aggies, did not have much 
to do. Amherst State College seven 
now returns to college after a fairly 
successful series of games in which 
the Maroon and White won two out 
of four games. 

Do you notice that they call us 
everything from Amherst Aggies to 
the "Farmers?" Something for the 
Press and Repair Club. 

There may be some who're glad. 
And there may be some who're sad. 
When Exams loom before them 
Gray and Cold. 

And the glad one always is thus, 
While his marks are over B-|- 
For the things to be have made him 
Feel so Bold. 

But the sad will always worry 
And he always feels sorry 
For the things to be have made him 
Lose his Hold. 

Now Exams will soon be here, 
So let us never fear, 
For the glad in heart shall have the 
Victor's Luck. 

So Grit your teeth and smile. 
Then Exams will be worth while. 
For it only takes a small amount 
Of Pluck. 

So put Sadness out of sight. 
Let gladness win your fight. 
And we wish you all the very 
Best of Luck. 

After Exams come over to 'Hamp and get 
on the outside of a good feed. You don't 
know how good you will feel. 


Don't get Brain Fever from studying, 
enjoy yourself with the Paramount Pictures. 



Whoever heard of anyone doing their best 
on an empty stomach? Put in a stock of 
nutrition here before Exams. 


Regular dinners and suppers, special breakfasts 

The chafing dishes will be working overtime 
next week, get all incidentals and supplies 
now at 


A man with an empty stomach is like 
Mexico. Internal dissention. Let Eddie 
relieve j'our troubles. 

Columbia Cafe 



Real home-made candy with the taste that 
says "Some More," and Ice Cream that 
can't be beaten. 

College Candy Kitchen 

15^ Pleasant Street 

"Reading maketh a full man." Get in 
line for the Best Fiction and Reading Matter 
possible. We'll sell any book you want. 

Amherst Book Store 

The Irishman that bought a green hat 
for red hair didn't know what harmony was. 
If he had come here we'd have instructed 
him in the rudiments of harmony and taste. 


The Exam in Smokes, Drug Supplies, etc., J 
will be given every day next week. No one I 
excused from this exam. At regular hours '' 
and to be held at 


If there is anything that you want dyed 
or cleaned in the Best Manner and with the 
Best Methods than you must go to the 

Bay State Dye House 

15 Masonic Street Northampton 

In the midst of your pleasant (?) dreams 
next week don't forget that Scottie is still 
waiting for you with a hot-iron. That is — 

your suit. 


The Red Light Shop 

The line of least resistance is the Best i 

Sporting Goods at the Best Prices for you. ! 

Come around and see our goods. ! 

Stiles, '17, Gillette, '18, Agents ; 

The Best Place to enjoy an evening in 

Amherst is v/here you have the Best time. ] 

That's at | 


It is better to be safe than to be sorry. 
Look forward and realize what Insurance 
means to you. A word to the wise. 

Barlow, over the Amherst Bank 

The Best appearing man is always the one 
with the neatest clothes and apparel. How 
close do you come to being the man? 


Don't be a "Belgian Sufferer" by getting 
a hair-cut or shave down town. Be neutral 
and trade at home. 


Why waste time and money by having \ 
some poor pictures taken in 'Hamp. The ; 
Best Studio and the Best Work is to be found i 
at j 


In answ«ring advertisements, please mention the "War Cry" 




NO. 13 

Yellow Journal Number 


From Boston Americal. — Jan. 30, 1915 

Conditions Terrible at Aggie 

for those poor cusses who were stuck in anything 


to raise marks up to the passing grade 


for Exam, week 


examining the buildings and the grounds 

'* Every Knock a Boost' 



Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00. 

"Sid" Masse, . . . Editor-in-Chief 

"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor 
"Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager 

"Gibby" Perry 

. . Society and Circulating Editor 

"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby. 

It has come to light that a good 
many students (?) at the Mass. 
Agri. College have received condi- 
tions in some of their studies. The 
college exercises were closed for the 
week in order that the regular mid- 
year examinations might be held. 
The regular classes will start with the 
second semester. The professors in 
many instances had to stretch their 
imaginations and do some wide figur- 
ing to make some of the marks 
resemble 60 or better. The com- 
mittee on Agriculture has been visit- 
ing the college to ascertain the needs 
of the college in the coming budget. 

Murder on the Campus 
Murderer Still At Large 

Conscious stricken, a member of 
the college confessed to one of the 
worst crimes ever committed. The 

dastardly deed, coldly carried out, in 
broad daylight, was enough to make 
the bravest of strong-nerved people 
collapse or else suffer from frost-bites 
due to the shivers the story would 
send along their spinal columns. 

The murderer gloated over the 
fact that he had killed his victim, 
even laughing over it. Late the night 
before he laid out his plans, and, 
arising early in the morning, prepared 
more fully for the awful deed. He 
went to the scene where the terrible 
murder was to take place, somewhat 
doubtful as to whether his plans 
would work all right. 

Coming from the scene of the crime, 
the culprit felt quite downcast, not 
because he felt in the least bit sorry 
for his sin or any pity for his victim, 
but because he feared he had erred 
and had not accomplished his mis- 

Yet, he must have been conscious- 
stricken for he was heard to murmur, 
"Yes, it was wrong. Dead wrong. 
Why didn't I think?" 

Meeting a pal of his he said, "I 
am in an awful fix. I dare not to 
tell my mother, but she will know in 

"What have you done?" inquired 
his pal. 

"Put down 48 for the answer to that 
last question in Physics and I meant 
to put down 84." 

Where PARAMOUNT Pictures are shown 



Sophomores and Seniors will be having 
their class pictures taken soon, why not be 
entirely satisfied and have them taken at 

Our first consignment of early Spring 
Styles in all goods has been received. Drop 
in and we will be pleased to show you our 


The only jeweler around these diggings 
is the one that does the best work 

Phelps & Gare 

WEBSTER'S STUDIO 112 Main St. Northampton 


"Every Blow Above the Belt' 

"48 was the right answer, you bone." 
Then the murderer gloated, "I have 

killed it then. I hit it right on the 


Visitor — "Is this the violent ward?" 

Nurse — "Yes sir, these poor fellows 
are from the Agricultural college over 
in Amherst." 

Visitor — "How unfortunate. What 
happened to them? Is there an 
epidemic of rabies over there?" 

Nurse — "I do not know exactly, 
except that they were sent here in 
a truck after they had completed 
their exams." 

Visitor (to first patient) — "Well, 
my good fellow, how are you feeling 
this morning?" 

Patient No. 1 — "Zounds, my lord, 
I feel like a mark of 58 — a little under 
the weather." 

Visitor — "What is your name, 

Patient No. 1 — "Ho, ho, I am Sir 
Paramoecium Lumbricus Terrestrus. 
Ha, ha what is that I see before me? 
It is the internal organs of a tape- 
worm. But, stop.: What more. 
Don't you see I am tracing the 
arterial blood flow of an amoeba from 
the right ear to the second floor 
of the Flat-Iron Building." 

Visitor (to nurse) — "Let us go 
further. Look, two of those inmates 
are fighting with each other." 

Nurse — "Oh, that's nothing. The 
one on the ground keeps saying that 
he's a subsoil of some sort and the 
fellow jumping on him yells that he's 
a sulky plow and is trying to dig him 


Visitor — "And what is this little 
fellow trying to do, crawling on his 
hands and knees and looking for 
something of rather great import- 

Nurse — "That is a freshman. He 
imagines he is a great detective look- 
ing for the unknown X which is 
absent, he says, from the equation. 
He insists that he will find it pro- 
vided no one has replaced it with 
A square." 

Visitor — "I must speak to this 
young man. Good morning, young 

Patient No, 2— "Sir, how dare you, 
a lowly lepidoptera, address me. I 
am an Ox warble, with a voice sweeter 
than the fog-horn sounds that Nichol- 
son brings forth from that hand organ 
in chapel. Say, I wouldst fain con- 
verse with thee in Greek. Oh, coleop- 
tera diptera, Euelexoptera blattidae 
ichneuman, nicht war?" 

Visitor (to patient coming towards 
him) — "Sir, you look wildly excited. 
Is there anything I can do for you?" 

Patient No. 3 — "Yes, I wish you'd 
make those 250 Agronomy questions 
stop chasing me around. They've 
been following me around all day and 
I'm tired of answering them. Do 
you think a good mulch in a dirty 
soil would have a cleansing effect 
on the evaporation of such a fertili- 
zer, F. O. B. Amherst at $30 signals 

Patient No. 4 (Coming up to 
visitor) — "I know you Sidney Gordon 
Hasbrouck. I could tell you by that 
icy stare and you are the same weight 
as the specific gravity of your body 
immersed in water. Please don't 
flunk me mister or I'll stab myself with 
a cake of soap." 

Visitor (to nurse) — "This is terrible. 
Let me out of here quick, or I'll go 
mad too." 

"What is the most useless plant on 
the campus?" 
"Power Plant." 

"Every Knock a Boost' 


Harold was non-chalant. Oh 
Gracious! Harold how can you be 
so! (Thus you get a cue where the 
title comes in) Yes it was surely 
evident that Harold must be deeply 
in love somewhere for as he care- 
fully applied the Bay-Rum to his 
golden locks and carefully brushed 
back his hair, none but a blind man 
could have doubted that Daniel 
Cupid had been wielding his darts 
in Harold's heart for a mistaken 

"Oh dear!" said Harold, and in the 
same breath he was heard to say, 
"Say, cul, got the 'makings?' " He 
was back to earth again. However 
no one seemed to be weighed down 
with the "makins" or else they were 
sick and tired of feeding them to 
him forever, for when Harold saw 
that no "makins" were forthcoming, 
he carefully picked out a chair in a 
secluded spot, carefully examined 
the seat for tacks, and set himself 
for a quiet reading of the Sunday 
School Journal. (Just like the Police 
Gazette) . 

As there was no article by Jesse 
Jimmy or no article on "Temperance," 
Harold read the advertisements as a 
further amusement, but a far-away 
look now and then indicated that he 
was thinking of someone somewhere. 
(Where? O ask. Harold, really you 
must.) Anyway to make our story 
longer, his eye fell on this ad, 
"Correspondence Course in Love 

Win Your Girl by Becoming 

Every young man knows that he 
can win the fairest girl, if he has 
money to buy her clothes with. Take 

our course and we'll show you how 
to get rich. Registration fee $5.00 

"Ah," cried Harold, "I shall win 
the fair hand of Gwendoline the 
boiler maker. (Of course this was 
not said aloud, oh gracious no!) 

So Harold arose and taking his pen 
in hand (he couldn't write with his 
feet) wrote the letter to the Cor- 
respondence Institute including his 
registration fee of $5.00. 

(Dots indicate that two weeks has 
elapsed) . 

One bright, rainy morning in Feb- 
ruary, with the birds twittering in 
the trees and the grass growing 
(in Florida), Harold ran downstairs 

to his College Post-office Box No 

(If we told you the number you'd 
know who he was also.) Well any- 
way he got a letter and it wasn't 
from the Dean either. 

Its contents reads as follows — to 

"If you want to get wealthy, 
you love-sick fool, catch suckers 
like we do." 

Love Correspondence School. 

"Oh Gracious! Quick! a doctor!" 
"What's the matter Doc, has he 

"Oh Gracious! Yes." the doctor 



Year 1995 

After him girls. Don't let him get 
away. Isn't he too cute for anything. 
Some kid, isn't he? I wonder who 
will take him to the first informal. 
What did you say his name is? 
Irving B. Lincoln, 3rd. I'll bet he's 
a lovely dancer. All his ancestors 

"Every Blow Above the Belt'* 

were. I know, girls, just how to 
start an acquaintance with him. 
Let's approach him and try to sell 
him a calendar. Oh, girls he's 
blushing terribly. Oh, isn't it pitiful. 
He's blushing himself to death. Some- 
one get a doctor, quick. 


What do you call yourself a plant 
for? Plants at least have some use 
in this world and why the "Power?" 
We learned the definition of "power" 
in Physics and you are debasing all 
of that wonderful knowledge that we 

But it was too late for the last 
male co-ed had expired. 

(Note — As Hank has already re- 
ceived 3 free copies, we are not going 
to give him one this week). 

assimilated. According to Kimball's 
Physics as translated by the present 
sophomore class (and I guess they 
ought to know) "power" means 
"the rate of work per second." 

The Home of the Stetson Shoes 
Come in and see our new line of Pumps before 
the Prom. Good serviceable footwear at 
all times. 

BoUes Shoe Store 

Our Variety of Fruit in unlimited 
Candy, Soda, Cigarettes 

Amherst Fruit Store 

Open till 12 every night 

Fellows, now that Prom is at hand, why 
not look over our latest styles in pumps. 
Satisfaction and comfort guaranteed. 


Main St., Northampton 

There is only one place in this vicinity 
where first-class work is done on musical 
instruments. For Musical Supplies see 

M. O. WIGKES Plaza Theatre Building 


**Every Knock a Boost' 

Your work isn't even 3rd rate when 
it comes to supplying heat or giving 
us light. The only power you have 
is the power to freeze us out of the 
dorm, or make us near-sighted from 
trying to find your light. You deceive 
the public by allowing great clouds 
of smoke to arise from that chimney. 
What have you got that coal for? 

Now really dear old Plant, we did 
not mean to speak so harshly for we 
know that some days we get heat, 
especially when the temperature is 
around 80 degrees outdoors. Besides 
we often get plenty of light, on 
bright days and at night we get candle 
power when the college store has a 
supply of candles on hand. 

But it's a pretty sad case when a 
fellow starts shivering so that he has 
to be put in a straight- jacket and 
another fellow's room is raided 
by a bloodthirsty mob just because 
he happens to own a box of matches 
from which to get heat. And can 
you think of a more foolish question 
than this one a visitor happened to 
ask (he's dead now), "It's colder 

then in this room, isn't it?" — well 

we should expect it to be anyhow. 

Think it over power Plant. 


The two most used up expressions 
on the campus — "Howd' ya hit 'em?" 
and "Is this cold enough for you?" 

Who won a bet from Dole? He was 
seen smoking a cigar the other day. 

Farewell a fond farewell (Exit 

Canned Club). 

Another senior society has been 
suggested as. Gotta Koppa Job. 

Early scrimmaging for some mem- 
bers of the football squad will start 
soon. It is reported that Plaisted, 
Schletterbeck, and Curran are going 
to the Junior Prom. 

All those interested in fencing, call 
on Prof. Hicks at the office of Mr. 
Gore. Remember it costs 75c a foot, 
so help the cause along. 


John Bradley, '14, has recently 
formed an M. A. C. 1914 Club at 
Groton, Mass. 

It must be hard for the poor 
Mexicans to pronounce Reyer Her- 
man Von Zwaluenberg. 

Glover E. Howe, '13, B. Sc, 
D.M.D., etc., etc., is now ready for 
customers, having matriculated at 
Harvard Medical School. He hasn't 
got anything on the "Kid," however, 
who can treat anything from a 
toothache to a removal of the 
appendix while you wait. 

Rod Harris, '14, (to fair dame) 
"What do you say to a tramp in 
the woods?" 

She — "Why, Rod, I never speak 
to them." _____ 

Doctor (to ailing student) — "What 
you need is a complete rest." 

Student — "But, Doc. I took three 
humanity courses last semester." 

Doc. — "Then it must be a change 
of climate you need." 

Student — "I have my doubts, sir. 
You see, I room in the dorm, and we 
get several climates up there." 

Doc. — "Ah, ah, now I know what 
the trouble is. You will have to cut 
out smoking." 

Student — "Smoking? There isn't 
any such thing known up to Aggie. 
Not since 'Shylock' took our money 
away. We can't afford it, and all 
the 'butts' on the campus have been 
smoked and resmoked." 

Doc. — "My boy, I am sorry, but 
I will have to operate on you immedi- 
ately for appendicitis. That's where 
the trouble lies." 

"Every Blow Above the Belt" 

Student — "Why, have I got another 
appendix? I just had one removed 
last month." 

Doc. (scratching his head)— "Well 

Doc. — "Oh, I have an interest in 
Aggie boys. I'll only charge you $3." 

And still we haven't a course in 
agricultural medicine in this college. 

TovQHs In the HASH~HouS£, 

then, er, er, er-perhaps you aren't 
sick after all." 

Student — "That's probably just it. 
How much will that be?" 

Watch our Candy display for new wrinkles 
in Gonfectionery. 


We aim to satisfy 


Regular Dinners and Suppers and Special 

The best optical work can be had at the 
only real optician in Northampton, that is at 

O. T. Dewhurst (formerly Pearl's) 

201 Main St., Northampton 


All men must be accompanied by 
a chaperon and any giggling on the 
part of any man will not be tolerated. 

The treasurer will tax every taxi 
that drives along our precious campus 
road. No tooting aloud (?) after 
five A. M. 

If you're undecided about your next suit why not 
drop in and allow me to show you the goods for the 
coming season. The best materials and the best of 

W. K. STAAB, The Tailor 

Main St., Northampton 

Welcome to our city, short course students. 
We are pleased to see you three times a day 
or oftener at the 

Columbia Cafe 

We believe in fitting the clothes to the man, not the man to the clothes 

Satisfaction, Quality, Moderate Prices, Variety 

Full Dress Suits for Sale and for Hire 



Now that everyone has passed our final 
exams, we are going to be more strict this 
semester and allow no cuts to be taken in 


"Say, Jack, that sweater of yours was 
white once, why not have it cleaned to its 
original color by introducing it to the Bay 
State Dye House" 15 Masonic St., North- 
ampton. All kinds of Dyeing and Cleansing. 

Now that the worry of Exams is over, 
why not let "Scottie" press out your 

Hooper — ^The Red Light Shop 

The Home of "The Friday War Cry" 



Let me have a heart to heart talk with 
3'ou before you buy your "wooden over- 
coat." Take out some Insurance now with 

Barlow, over the Amherst Bank 

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Feb. 4, 5, 6 

Mirth Merriment Melody 


The best place for up-to-date haberdashery 
is the place where they sell the very best 
and latest styles. 

24 Main St.. A. W. STONE Northampton 

Don't give all your money to "Shylock." 
Don't go home without settling with the 

Just because you see "Frost" don't get cold feet. 


FROST, '15, Agt. SHERINYAN, '16 

(Freshman Agt.) 

Your ■ Prom Furnishings are here, ready 
for your inspection. The latest thing in 
Ties, Waistcoats, and Scarfs. 


If you are happy or sad on account of 
Exams, just come down and work it all off at 


Rear of Amherst City Hall 



15i Pleasant St. 

You can never be satisfied until your 
stomach is satisfied first. 
Eat, drink and be merry, at 

DOOLEY'S INN, Holyoke 

Meals served at all hours 

Private Dining Rooms for Large or Small 

Parties, Banquets, etc. 

An unlimited range of selection in all lines of 
Clothing and Gents' Furnishings. 

A. T. GALLUP, Inc. 

Agents for Hart, SchafTner & Marx Clothes 

Fownes & Parrus Gloves 

293, 295, 297 High St., Holyoke 

It is essential that every student should 
keep a cash account. We carry the Uni- 
versal Cash Account Books. 

Amherst Book Store 


S. S. HYDE— Jeweler 

New line of Initial Stationery and Corres- 
pondence Cards just received. 

Newspapers and Magazines 


In answAiing advertisements, please mention the "War Cry" 




NO. 14 

This will be a wonderful week for 
some. The week of Junior Prom, 
when everything and everyone that 
does not know the true condition 
of affairs, is badly deceived. Some 
of our society boys will be disguised 
in full dress suits, feeling as much at 
home as if they were in Berlin yelling, 
"Vive la France." Even the drill-hall 
will be in disguise and will probably 
be known as alias "The Dancing 
Pavilion." For the benefit of every 
one concerned and those not con- 
cerned we will give a few hints, 
namely : 

"Those not going to the Prom will 
refrain from addressing those that are 
in such terms as, 'Hello, Frank 
Scheufele, where you buying your 
collars now?" 

If you are one of the gallery 
sight-seers don't try to drown out 
the orchestra even if you don't like 
the way it plays for the Virginia 

If you are going to the grand old 
ball, inform your girls that shin 
guards are a good thin to wear. 

Don't try to get in on last year's 

Don't run into everyone on the 
floor as if you were running into a 
saloon. Don't yawn before 5 A. M. 
When you feel a yawn approaching, 
try sneezing instead. Don't confuse 
sneezing with snoozing. 


1. I'd hate to dance thru life like 
this with you. 

2. Get off of my corns. 

3. Let's not ride in a taxi and save 

4. I can't afford to go to Proms 
more than once a year. 

5. This grub is pretty good. I'm 
going to tip the waiter a nickel when 
you aren't looking. 

6. I borrowed this dress-suit. 


The Perils of Poxine or The Safety 

Razor Was Not Her Size 

Yes, she belonged to this mysterious 
secret society. The Sewing Circle. 
Little Poxine was a French girl, 
sometimes known as Small Pox for 
short. The scene opens with Poxine 
in the den of thieves knitting bows 
for the Belgians' dancing pumps. 
She heaved a sight of relief as she 
finished them, but the heave wasn't 
over 20 feet. Sprightly, she tripped 
to the window, and after picking 
herself up, murmured in perfect 
French, "Watdaya mean, too cold 
for ice today?" 

"Too cold for selling ice," answered 
the ice-man from without. 

Then the ice-man added, weighing 
his words carefully (every ice team 
carries a weighing machine), "Do 
you know who I am? Well, I'm a 
secret service man." 

"Come in," the girl answered drop- 
ping her voice but recovering the 

He entered. 
End of Part One. Part Two Will 
Follow Immediately 

Part 2 

The secret service man was mysti- 
fied for he could not find a corner 

What is Prom Week with out a box of 
Prom Candy, Maroon and White Boxes of 
Belle Mead Sweets. 


If your eyes trouble you or if you need 
any optical supplies there's only one place 
to go. 
O. T. DEWHURST (Formerly Pearl's) 

201 Main St., Northampton 

For a good refreshing meal there's a satis- 
faction in eating at the 


Regular dinners and suppers and special 

Did you ever hear of Scottie the grand 
opera singer? Just drop in and hear him 
sing on "Scottie's Victrola." 

Hooper— The Red Light Shop 

The Happy Hunting Grounds — Where 
you can eat and forget that such a thing as 
indigestion exists. 


The King of England was heard to say 
before he went to the battle line in Belgium, 
"I wish I had taken out an insurance police 

Barlow, over the Amherst Bank 

Thurs., Fri., Sat., February 11, 12, 13 


With Billy Spencer 


Where PARAMOUNT Pictures are shown 



Clothes don't make the man, but 'tis said 
they sometimes make a monkey of him when 
not selected at the right place. Don't miss a 
chance to see our new line of gent's furnishings. 

A. T. GALLUP, Inc. 

293, 295, 297 High St., Holyoke 

We keep everything in the line of gent's 
furnishings except collar buttons in quarter 
sizes. We guarantee everything except 


This might be a dull winter if it wasn't 
for Mets. The Home of Indoor Sports. 


P»^ear of Amherst City Hall 

A complete examination of my wearing 
apparel might reveal certain changes nec- 
essary in your wardrobe. 


Some of you Aggie men have been to 
Holyoke without visiting 

DOOLEY'S INN, Holyoke 

If you've never been here you've never had 
the best time possible in Holyoke. If you 
have been here— Nuf Ced. 

Meals Served at All Hours 

Eat to your heart's content and we'll 
guarantee that your stomach won't disagree 
with you. 

Eddie's Columbia Cafe 

Why not have us fix you up an assortment 
of fancy crackers to chew on while studying. 
W^e'll send them up to your room. 


Whatever you read, read something worth 
while. We only keep the things worth while, 
so drop in any time. 

Amherst Book Store 

Shop in the right shop. 

What we don't keep you can get along without 

War Crys also on sale here. 


Another Event for Prom Week — Have 
your photo taken with the girl. There's 
something that isn't on the program but 
should be. 


In answsring advertisements, please mention the "War Cry" 




NO. 15 


A force of 200 Turks, led by Gen. 
Shaughnessy, the German leader 
mutinied to-day and refused to eat 
Porter-House steaks on account of 
the high cost of living. (Via Con- 
stantinople) . 

Kaiser Wilhelm sent King George 
a valentine of bombs to-day. 

29,000 Frenchmen showed brilliant 
bravery to-day, capturing five 
wooden-legged Austrians. 

Germany draws the color line and 
refuses to fight if Jack Johnson is 
allowed to fight for France. 

Russia expects a great victory and 
possibly an end to the war, on account 
of the fact that Nick Carter, Frank 
Merriwell, Diamond Dick and 
Stealthy Steve have enlisted in their 


President of Class — "We will now 
hold elections for this semester. Who 
wants to be President?" 

Voice in rear — "I elect myself and 
move the nominations be closed." 

Voice No. 2 — "That's a deal. I'm 
the most popular man in this class." 

Voice No. 3 — "You're a har. I 

Voice No. 4 — "I think Mr is 

doing something underhanded. He 
won't tell me who he's going to vote 
for. I think he's voting for a fraternity 

President — "After thinking it over, 
I think I'll be president another 
semester. All those in favor and all 
those opposed designate in the usual 
manner. Very good. It's a vote." 

Voice No. 5 — "I demand a recount. 
I think I saw some one put up both 

hands, and somebody held me so 
I couldn't vote." 

Voice No. 6— "Who's a deal? 
Why is a motion? Where is it 
parliamentary ? ' ' 

Voice No. 7 — "Why not have a 
Mexican class (double meaning here) . 
Let everyone take a turn at being 

President — "Let's not have any 

Assembly — "We ain't." 


If Johnson should decide to go out 
for debating instead of playing ball 
this spring, it wouldn't help the ball 
team any. 

If you keep awake in chapel, you 
may go to heaven some day. 

If the Chem. Lab. should burn 
down, the Fire Dep't. would get some 
good practise making twenty cents 
an hour. 

The town movies isn't what it 
used to be. Ask officer Smith if they 
ever found the reason why he slipped 
and banged his eye last year. 

Some bloody battle, that Soph- 
Freshman hockey game. Most of 
the blood was contributed by Higgin- 
botham, however. Livermore made 
himself very useful during the first 
half by mopping up most of the 
water on the rink. So thoughtful 
of him, wasn't it? Stowell refreshed 
himself at frequent intervals by 
falling thru a hole in the ice at the 
north end of the rink. Ross had a 
heated argument with some of the 
freshman rooters on the "Misuse of 
loud cheering." Harlow also contri- 
buted to the excitement by doing a 

"Every Knock a Boost' 



Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, SI. 00. 

"Sid" Masse, . . . Editor-in-Chief 

"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor 
"Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager 

"Gibby" Perry 

Society and Circulating Editor 

"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby. 

brodie in front of the crowed. Al- 
together, it was a very spectacular 
game to watch. O, yes, we almost 
forgot something. The sophomores 
won, 3-0. 

Sh, don't look around now, but 
Hank is going to the next Informal. 
All moving picture rights reserved. 

In Aggie Ec. 2 — "Is dentistry an 
extractive industry, Mr. Strand?" 

Doc Grant was seen going to 
church last Sunday. We are alarmed 
about Doc's health. 

It requires either genius or long 
experience for a fellow to play the 
part of an inebriated gentleman the 
way Buckman does it. What do 
you mean, experience? 

Of course, Mr. Hicks didn't need 
to explain that it wasn't the Hash- 
house grub that made the fellows- 



Or Why They Served Us Gravel 

When What We Want is Beans 

Smiling insolently, Jagged Jake 
drew a cigarette from his vanity case. 
"No, Algernon," he remarked to his 

prostrate foe, "I shall not release 
you just yet. I have a pur-r-r-pose 
in keeping you here!" 

Cold shivers ran up and down the 
region of Algernon's vertebrae, and 
the perspiration stood out on his 
forehead like cold sweat on a can of 

"But my deah man,"Algy simpered. 

"Silence!" roared the desperado. 
Then he continued, not unkindly, 
"If your stature were the size of your 
intellect, you could run under a 
carpet sweeper without bending your 

Algy lay dazed, revolving nebulous 
thoughts in his mind at the rate of 
40,000 revolutions per minute. Sud- 
denly the still air Vv^as broken by a 
staccato rattle — hark, the distant 
sound of hoof beats! With a muffled 
curse, Jagged Jake kicked Algernon 
in the pancreas and bade him. get up. 

"Coises! The cowpunchers of the 
Bar U Crescent K Ranch are upon 
us!" At this minute there was a sharp 
report, and a dull nauseating scrunch 
as a dum-dum bullet tore its way 

(Note — This thrilling narrative will 
not be continued, as we didn't 
intend to continue it anyway. We 
only print it as a sample of what some 
of the Freshmen spend their valuable 
time reading). 


(From our Modified Manual of 

It has been observed that a centi- 
pede has two eyes and several legs. 
In walking he uses column formation. 

An ameba is a small animal made 
up of a pod and pseudopod. He takes j 
his lunch with rolls. ^ 

Bedbugs are nocturnal creatures, ^ 
found with other ticks in the bed .] 

"Every Blow Above the Belt' 

ticking. To remove bedbugs from a 
bed, burn the bed. 

The gastrula is a stage in evolution, 
following the blastula and preceding 
the Freshman stage. 

In digging for earthworms, seize 
your prey firmly behind the ears. 
If the worm turns and attempts to 
bite, breathe on him. He will then 
become unconscious, providing you 
have been eating at the hash-house. 


Prof. Haskell's new book on "Farm 
Practice, Sound and Unsound," is 
selling rapidly in the rural districts. 
Experiments conducted in China, 
Ceylon, Hindustan and Rothamstead, 
England, are described in detail and 
will no doubt prove of great interest 
and value to the American reader. 

A new seminar in Cosmopolitan 
Reading is being arranged by some of 
the more enterprising Sophomores. 
The "Seven Darlings" and other 
literary gems appearing each month 
will be studied from their artistic 

Prof. Hasbrouck, recently admitted 
to membership in the Horse Radish 
Society, has given out book notices 
for a new work entitled "How to 
Teach Physics Humorously." The 
author reports that the book will be 
full of fun from cover to cover. 

"Pete" Mattoon has recently had 
a love story accepted by the Mt. 
Holyoke monthly. It is printed in 
large type, to be read when the lights 
are turned low. Bound in calf, 
$1.00; de Looks edition 15 cents 

Dear Miss Delia Dope: 

While attending a house party in 
Belchertown recently, I fell head 
over feet in love with a swell dame 

considerably^ above my station in life. 
She received my attentions with 
impunity, but at the crucial moment 
she said: "I can only be a sister to 
you; shut off the spark, you're be- 
ginning to skid." My heart leaped 
into my mouth and my face fell. 
Struggling with my emotions, I 
wrenched myself from her presence 
and walked away with a strained 
expression and a slight limp. Will 
you kindly recommend a remedy 
for cramps in the right arm? 
Yours amorously, 

J. Jenkins Slinkwitz. 


The members of the faculty, their 
wives and lady friends are invited 
to go on the Mettewampe Trek this 
Sat. (Look's as if there might be a 
hair-pulling match if the "wives and 
lady friends m.eet.") 

Dr. Gage (after explaining the 
method of making agar media for 
bacteriological purposes) : 

"Now you fellows will put the media 
while still hot into these test-tubes" 
(displaying a 10 cc. test-tube). 

Bright student, 5 minutes later: 

"Say Doctor how am I going to 
put 150 cc. of media into one of those 
small 10 cc. test-tubes?" 

Lent starts this week, now this is 
an opportunity for you to collect 
those 5 "seeds" that you lent last year. 

Wallie Dodge says this is a big 
week in the Lunch Room for those 
fellows that went to the Prom. It is 
pretty monotonous hearing "plate 
of beans" from about 30 fellows. 

The Looloo Bird says :— "These 
Proms, are great things while they 
last but they're just like a fractured 
leg — the breaking away is painful." 

Little Jack Horner 

Went down to the corner 

In order to get his smokes, etc., at 


A man is more apt to make a mistake than 
to admit it but for optical work you can't 
make a mistake if you go to 
O. T. DEWHURST (Formerly Pearl's) 

201 Main St., Northampton 

It's a good thing to have opinions on what 
a good meal is but it's better to eat that meal 
at the 


Regular dinners and suppers and special 

The U-needa Press Club will meet at | 
Scottie's this week. 

Hooper— The Red Light Shop 

The Best Home-made Candy can be had 
only at the place where real home-made 
candy is sold and that is the 


Insurance is wisdom which looks towards 
the future and provides for it. If you're wise 
you'll look for 

Instead of crossing the Delaware, Wash- 
ington might have crossed Pleasant St. to 
see what he would wear after purchasing at 

Barlow, over the Amherst Bank 

If you're looking for a good trimming, 
drop in and get a good hair cut at the 


Where PARAMOUNT Pictures are'Shown. 



Enclosed in clothes, you are fittingly 
proper. That is, if your clothes were bought 

A, T. GALLUP, Inc. 

292, 295, 297 High St., Holyoke 


The best tonic for depressed spirits is a 
good evening's fun at 


Rear of Amherst City Hall 

A man is not known by the company he 
keeps, but he's judged by the clothing he 
wears and how it fits him. 


Eat, drink, and be merry while in Holyoke 
by spending your time in the best way possi- 
ble at 

DOOLEY'S INN, Holyoke 

The Home of "The Friday War Cry" 



All our confectionery and cookies are sure 
to be satisfactory' as they are the best. 


A man is known by the writing paper be 
uses in his correspondence. If you' want to 
"get in right," come in and get your writing 
paper at i?> 

Amherst Book Store 

We don't sell Willard Wattle's Book of 
Poems but we sell the theme paper and the 
ink that he uses to write out his poems. 


Two ways you can see your actual image. 
By looking in a mirror and getting your 
pictures taken here. Neither lies. 


In answering advertisements, please mention the "War Cry" 




NO. 16 

The Providence Journal recently 
asked in their columns why we 
called our paper the "War Cry" when 
there was already the Salvation Army 
"War Cry;" why not the "Rural 
Gazette" or the "Farm Crop." We'd 
like to know why they call their 
paper the "Journal" when there is a 
"Real" paper called the New York 

Web feet would be rather useful 
this kind of weather. 

There are more Hank stories going 
around now than Ford car stories. 
It must be terrible to be so popular. 

The track team appeared Friday 
and Saturday nights in their usual 
capacity as "also rans." Tufts must 
have a swell team. 

Now that an Evangelical Campaign 
is coming to Aggie it will give an 
opportunity for some lost souls around 
the campus to revive themselves. 


Bevan, '13, was seen around college 
this week, he has a new "soup 
strainer" growing in the same place 
where the last one was growing in 
the early spring of 1913. 

Doc Fay, '13, has been elected on 
the Monson school board. Doc 
must be passing out the same line 
to the natives in Monson as he used 
to up at Aggie. 

"Newt" Dearing, '14, writes from 
Florida that he has the best tan this 
year that he ever had any summer. 

They say Joe Macone, '13, has been 
seen recently near his home in Con- 
cord practicing for a race. Perhaps 
"Shorty" is going to race "Big" 
Samson on Alumni Day. 


Popular Instructors on the 
Campus: — 

Are those that are visiting their 
sick grandmother, or are busy else- 

Always read the French and Ger- 
man translations before calling on a 
fellow to translate. 

Forget to read the class roll very 

Allow the class to come in twenty 
minutes past the hour and leave at 
ten minutes of the hour. 

Smoking allowed during recitations, 
in other words, have a smoke-talk. 

Tell stories that have no relation 
to the course and that are "funny" 
so that you can laugh at them (?). 

Serve pillows during long-winded 
lectures so that there may be peaceful 

1st Sophomore (Interested in 
Botany) — "Say, Bill, to vv^hat family 
do you think this plant belongs?" 

2nd Sophomore — "You better look 
out, I think it belongs to Mrs. Whit- 

* 'Every Knock a Boost" 



Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00. 

'Sid" Masse, . . . Editor-in-Chief 

'Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor 
'Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager 

'Gibby" Perry 

Society and Circulating Editor 

"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby. 

Pendleton — "Say, Franklin, does 
your fountain pen leak that way all 
the time?" 

Marsh — "Oh goodness no, Harlow, 
only when I have ink in it." 

The Looloo Bird Says: — 

This balmy spring weather is good 
for a cold, if you haven't got it yet, 
there's hope still. 


With this issue, the "Professor" 
starts a new column which he hopes 
will become of aid and interest to the 
many readers of the "War Cry," 
especially those among the fair sex. 
All replies will be cheerfully answered 
through these columns; those expect- 
ing replies through the mail must 
enclose stamped envelopes. 

Dear "Reginald"^ 

I have a great confession to make 
to you, one which I have never dared 
to admit, even to Sylvia. My eyes 
are brown, but the fashion this 
season tends to black eyes. I am 
hopelessly behind the times, and am 
prostrated. What shall I do? 


Dear "Addie" — 

I have a pretty good punch. 
Call around at the office some day and 
I'll see what I can do for you. 

Professor Reginald. 

Professor — ■ 

I am very much worried about the 
very bad cold that I've got and now 
it has gotten down into my lungs. 
I've used Peruna and Scott's Ivanhoe 
and neither of these medicines has 
done me any good. I'm afraid I may 
be departing soon. 

Dear Harold — 

While you're here, let me say 
"Good-bye" to you as it would be 
very impolite to wait until you had 
departed. But why depart? Do 
you owe you room rent? For your 
cold, Harold, I knew a friend who took 
a spoonful of cyanide before break- 
fast and he was never troubled with 
a cold after that. 


Reginald, Old Top — 

I have ducededly large feet, don't 
cher know, and the girls make great 
sport of me. You cawn't imagine 
how embarrassing it is. Bah Jove, 
though, I have a great understanding 
y'know, I can't see how to help 

Oh, Algie— 

They say that dawncing reduces 
the feet. Take a tip from Hank and 
try it. 



Dear Professor — 

They say that some day we will be 
allowed to smoke; oh Goody! But I 

**Every Blow Above the Belt" 

can't make up my mind what to 

Dear Innocence — - 

Billie smokes Bull Durham, and 
"Squirt" uses Lucky Strike, but 
don't do it. Try something good and 
buy Sweet Caporals or Meccas. 


Dear Reginald — 

I am very much troubled with 
superfluous hair on my face. For- 
merly the boys were very much 
attracted to me, but of late, the 
"down" has spoiled this little chicken. 

Dear Hen — 

Send your name and address with 
a five dollar bill to King C. Gillette. 


Reginald, My Boy — 

I am 47 years of age and the hair 
is commencing to become gray around 
my temples. What shall I do? 

Dearest Delicia — 

Cheer up! I once saw a sixty year 
old girl with a wig that gave her a 


After May 1st WLeai Hamp Is Dry 
Let's ask this cop where we can get 

a drink. 

Don't ask him, you boob, follovv" 


1st Stude — I'll bet you don't know 
where I got this collar. 

2nd Stude — Sanderson & Thomp- 

1st Stude — Around my neck. 


When you hear the pistol crack 
And you straighten out your back, 
Leaping lightly down the track. 
Well, that's the time to run, really 

When your rivals forge ahead. 
By ambition swiftly sped. 
And you feel a pang of dread .... 
Why, that's the time to run, really 

When your strength begins to flag 
And your flying speed to lag. 
When your feet can scarcely drag. 
Now, that's the time to run, really 

As the shining tape you see. 
Ten more feet to victory, 
Just remember this decree. 

Boys, that's the time to run, really 

W^hy is it: 

That our Editor-in-chief is taking 
such a long time to celebrate V/ash- 
ington's Birthday? 

That the sophomores are m.aking 
collections of shingles, barrel-staves, 

That the power-plant turns the 
steam en full force on these warm 

That we don't get music with our 
meals any more at the Hash-House? 

That some fellows never get a 
WAR CRY until their names are 
printed in it? 

We hear that several new courses 
in Farm Mechanics are to be intro- 
duced next year. Why not add a 
course or two in Kitchen Mechanics 
for the Co-eds? 


25c Presses your Suit 50c Presses your Dress-Suit $1.50 will Dry Clean and Press a Suit 
This price will hold for six months and it is up to you to maintain it. 
No better pressing at any price. See our agents for pressing tickets. 


Where you get the most for your money. 
Weighed and not found wanting. 


Expert optical work and satisfaction go 
hand and hand, and they are always oresent 
O. T. DEWHURST (Formerly Pearl's) 

201 Main St., Northampton 

If you feel downhearted, just drop in and 
let "SCOTTIE" press your suit. The only 
sad thing around his shop is the Sad-irons. 

Hooper— The Red Light Shop 

Health and happiness are to be had by 
those who eat good food and the best of food 
is served at the 


Regular Dinners and Suppers and Special 

Hope is a lazy man's pastime, and an 
active man's strength, don't be hoping too 
much but see immediately 

Barlow, over the Amherst Bank 

(Read this right, fellows) 
What do you think, I'll shave you for 
nothing and give you something to eat. 


Where PARAMOUNT Pictures are Shown- 



Satisfaction and good prices is guaranteed 
in all men's furnishings purchased at 

A, T. GALLUP, Inc. 

292, 295, 297 High St., Holyoke 

"Father, I can not tell a lie, the best men's 
furnishings are to be had at 


Take your gym credit in Bowling 


Rear of Amherst City Hall 

What is coming to a man is not often what 
he wants, but if you want the best then you 
can find it at 


There is many a "No Place Like Home" 
Sign hanging in many homes, but you have 
to change your mind after visiting 

DOOLEY'S INN, Holyoke 

A little "sunshine" now and then is relished 
by the best of men. Oh yes, Sunshine 


The Home of "The Friday War Cry" 



We carry all the necessary student supplies 
and welcome you in any time to look over 
our stock. 

Amherst Book Store 

If any fellow wants his pictures taken, 
with the best work guaranteed and with the 
most reasonable prices, he ought to drop in 
and see 


In answ«riiig advertisements, please mention the "War Cry' 


FRIDAY, MARCH 5, 1915 

NO. 17 

This week is Ulumni Week. You 
can tell by the large number of pros- 
perous looking gentlemen on the cam- 
pus. You're apt to see some class 
scraps if any '89 men should happen 
to meet any '88ers. See that stout 
gentleman conversing with Prof. 
Curry Hicks. Watch him put his 
hand in his pocket (we don't mean 
watch Prof. Hicks put his hand in the 
gent's pocket) and help the cause 
of the Athletic Field along. Have you 
noticed those fellows telling of the old, 
old days when they were students at 
the college. It's strange that so many 
of them are still living, for would you 
believe it, they were way back in 
the class of 1913. Look at that fellow 
over there sympathizing with Prexy 
over the troubles and overwork that 
comes with being the head of an 
institution. Well, that's Jawn Pellett, 
principal of the Cape Elizabeth High 
School, the largest school of its kind 
in that town. Mr. Pellett was in the 
class of '14, together with Jeff Calvert 
who is now a courteous floor-walker. 
You may not think it plausible but 
that young man in the blue suit 
stops at the Copley Plaza in Boston. 
Why, yes, he is a motorman in the 
Boston Elevated service and there lots of passengers getting on in 
Copley Square. See that fat fellow of 
the class of 1912 talking to a senior. 
He is telling him what a big, fine boy 
the said senior has grown up to be 
and is reminding him of the days he 
used to run errands for the '12 man. 
Some of those men we do not know, 
but they are Aggie men all right 
because they are pretty good looking 
and look prosperous. Nuf 'ced. 


"Yoodles" has actually confessed 
that she once lived in the town of 
Amherst and attended Aggie with the 
class of 'Umpty Ott. That is, she 
worked in the kitchen of the Hash 
House but all of the 'Umpty Ott 
class knew her well, even the waiters. 
Hamsfield only ran the elevator from 
the basement to the serving room and 
used to write love messages on the 
fried eggs. It came to light that 
Hamsfield was extravagant and spent 
a fortune on "Yoodles." Once they 
were actually seen in the 20c seats 
at the movies. When the Judge 
questioned the girl regarding the 
card games she was known to amass 
wealth by, "Yoodles" again broke 
down (the railing she v/as leaning on) 
and confessed that she led many of 
the boys astray by teaching them the 
game of "Slap-jacks." During the 
Commencement Exercises of the Class 
of 'Umpty Ott the class won the 
"Class Sing Contest" mainly because 
of the fact that "Yoodles" composed 
their songs, such as "Will Anyone 
Here Miss Yoodles" and "Down with 
King Alcohol — Drink it Down." 

Among the witnesses at the case was 
Dabrovitch, the town tailor, who 
claims that "Yoodles" owes him 
money. The judged asked him how 
it was that "Yoodles' ' owed him. money 
and the tailor said she asked him to 
help her press her suit against Hams- 

A weekly health hint to the Co- 
eds — Don't Marry a Debater. 

**Every Knock a Boost' 



Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00. 

"Sid" Masse, . . . Editor-in-Chief 

"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor 
"Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager 

"Gibby" Perry 

Society and Circulating Editor 

"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby. 




The jolly Juniors recklessly raised 
their foaming steins of Moxie while 
the class tree was firmly planted in 
the earth. The less vile among them, 
silently munched their coffee ice- 
cream cones, and murmured cheer 
after cheer. The president of the 
class raised his hand to silence them, 
and his voice broke out clear after he 
has consumed his cough drop. "Fel- 
lows, to-night we are about to cover 
the roots of this pure Palm Tree in 
this soil. I know it will grow as well 
as if it were in sunny Cuba if we all 
pray vociferously. Now, men, cover 
its roots and some one water it with 
the distilled H2o." He was about to 
go on when suddenly he gazed upon 
a youth who actually was sipping 
soda-water thru a straw. "Base 
youth," the president cried, "You, 
Elmer Gay lord Fontleroy, consider 
your misdemeanor. You probably are 
wicked enough to attend the movies, 
where they turn the lights low or else 
steal away from some restaurant with 
extra tooth-picks. Men, of the class 
of '19 let us leave this poor unfortunate 
to himself, so that he may think of 
his wrongs." 

They left poor Elmer struggling 

hard to gulp down his salty tears 
which dampened his long brown eye- 
lashes. "This is too much, too 
much," wept Elmer to himself, and, 
drawing his pocket- flashlight, he shot 
himself three times." 

The members of the War Cry 
board are a bunch of sore-heads. 
Sure we are, because Fritz Larson, 
captain of the Sophomore Independent 
Bowling Team told us so this morning. 
Fritz didn't mean to get excited over 
it but he reminded us of the fact 
that we did not publish an account 
of the ignominious (that's a good 
word) defeat that his team handed 
to the West Entry Bowling Team a 
couple of weeks ago. You see two 
members of the West Entry team are 
on the War Cry staff. Therefore, the 
board is a bunch of Sore-heads. 
It was a close match and the Soph. 
Independents bowled in great shape. 
If it is not too old to be good news, 
we might add that the score was 
1330 to 1288. Hooper and Sauter 
starred for the winners while the 
West Entry team had no particular 

We apologize, Fritz. How do you 
feel now? 

'15 — "You can get a lot out of that 

'16 — "I never heard of a humanity 
course of that nature. If it was 
Pomology I would think you were 

'15 — "Well, you can stay out of 
this course most of the time." 

Prof. — ^What is a curve? 
Freshmen (after pondering awhile) 
It is the path of an intoxicated point. 

"Every Blow Above the Belt" 

There is no new thing under the 
sun, at least that is the conclusion 
Solomon arrived at some three thou- 
sand years ago. If he was right, 
Freshmen, what is the use of trying 
to get by Billy's Trig. He recognizes 
all the dodges by instinct. You know 
Billy has that goose egg on the tip 
of his tongue. 

Spoffard has acquired a new job 
picking hairs out of the hash at the 
eating establishment. Nevertheless, 
Doc. Grant, look out that you won't 
have to buy a new collar for you coat. 

Duke Curran has a new position 
and there is a chance for others. 
He is at present employed at the 
Drill hall picking tacks out of the 
floor with his teeth. Here is an 
opportunity for some of you fellows 
who are financially embarrassed. 


How doth the busy little moth, 
Improve each shining minute, 
By hunting up your woolen stuff? 
And laying egglets in it. 



(For Particulars see "Red" Kennedy) 


'Mid blossoms of roses fair to see 
In the loveliest land of lands, 
There sat a youth and a maiden wee. 
Under the blue sky holding — roses. 

Full many a glance to the right they 

And many a glance to the left in haste, 
A.nd then — sh! don't make a noise, 

you knave. 
His arm stole round her — sunshade. 

There were roses pink and roses white 
And the joyous sun shone warm 

above ; 
But what cared they for such a sight. 
Their thoughts were far too deep in — 


And as this couple philosophed 

And held their-er-their roses tight, 

oh bliss! 
They often spread their shade aloft. 
And underneath exchanged a — glance. 

Dear Miss Sid Largerbeer: 

I am in a predicament I can't 
explain. I am a young girl 18 years 
old and have been going with a 
young man who is attending college, 
and who says he will marry me as 
soon as he graduates. As he has been 
going to college about 8 years so far, 
you see I have been waiting quite a 
while. Sometimes I almost wonder 
if he is going to college at all. 

But this isn't the worst of it. 
I never let Roger kiss me. Now he is 
coming around telling me he kisses 
other girls and they kiss him. Further- 
more he is angry with me. Tell me, 
Miss Largerbeer, is Roger justkiddin? 
How can I win him back? 

enisoreK yraM. 

If you did but know, poor child, 
it is very coarse, not to say vulgar, 
to use "kiddin" when you mean 
"kidding." Beyond this point I 
should say you were too young to 
think of love. If Roger were any 
kind of a man and worthy of your 
trusting heart, he would have been 
through college by this time anyway. 
Six or seven years at the most ought 
to be enough for anyone to go to 
college. No real gentleman ever 
tells one girl what he does with 
others. Forgive and forget such a 
discourteous gentleman . 


25c Presses your Suit 50c Presses your Dress-Suit $1.50 will Dry Clean and Press a Suit 
This price will hold for six months and it is up to you to maintain it. 
No better pressing at any price. See our agents for pressing tickets. , 


This is the place the Ulumni will hold 
their re-unions. 
Ulumni smokes, sodas, and confectionery 

The Aggie Apothecary 


Some of you can and some can't. If in 
doubt or if you need any expert optical work. 

O. T. DEWHURST (Formerly Pearl's) 

201 Main St., Northampton 

All kinds of 
divorce suits, 
while you sleep. 

suits treated here except 
"SCOTTIE" presses 'em 
Get wise — patronize. 

Hooper — ^The Red Light Shop 

Be right at home — by eating the kind of 
food that mother used to make. To be had at 

Regular dinners and suppers and special 

A course in Economics — More credit to 
this course than any you are nov/ taking. 

A little insurance now and then, is a good 
thing for Aggie men. 

Barlow, over the Amherst Bank 

The Best Movies on the Campus — A hair- 
raising act — "How Spence Cuts Them Off" 
or "A Close Shave." 


This is not just a rumor — It's the truth. 
25 per cent discount on all sweaters— First 
come first served. War Crys on sale here. 


Where PARAMOUNT Pictures are Shown 



They say there aren't many "Come-backs" 
in this world, but they all come back to 
Gallups. The reason is satisfaction and 

A, T. GALLUP, Inc. 

292, 295, 297 High St., Holyoke 

The only kind of a Spring Fever you J 
should catch — Spring is almost here so it's | 
time to come and see our new line of goods. Jl 

Something the Old Boys couldn't enjoy. 
Don't fail to show the ulumni the new bowling 


Rear of Amherst City Hall 

"Every Little Movement Has a Meaning 
of its Own." You can get the meaning of 
the public's move towards our store by seeing 
for yourself just what we carry. 


There may be "Nobody Home" but what 
do you care as long as 

DOOLEY'S INN, Holyoke 

The Happv Hunting Grounds for Ye Aggie 

Meals Served at all Hours 

Variety is the spice of life. We've got all 
the varieties of crackers, cookies and con- 
fectionery to make life one round of pleasure. 


We might call our new caps the "Magnet 
Caps." You can't help being attracted by 
them. They are the latest. Also a new line 
of Derby's, Soft Hats, Ties and Shirts. 


The Store Behind the College — We supply 
the books, paper, etc., and the college supplies 
the knowledge. Be prepared. 

Amherst Book Store 

You fellows are just beginning to realize ',| 
that you can get the kind of pictures you want 
right here in town. It's like "seeing America 


In answering advertisements, please mention the "War Cry" 



FRIDAY, MARCH 12, 1915 

NO. 18 


(Arena Exercises) 

Professor Louis M. Ross! 

Advisors: the Senate 


2. Mysteries. — A general course 
dealing with local community prob- 
lems. A thoroughly practical pre- 
sentation of the various uses of 
manures, ancient and modern. Many 
interesting experiments will be per- 
formed by the individual student 
under close direction of the head of 
the department (in charge). 

Prerequisite. Oral examination in 
presence of the advisors. Aquatics 
1 and Public Speaking 1 are strongly 
recommended as preparations for this 

Freshman. 1 Conference and 1 
laboratory period. 

Prof. Ross and numerous laboratory 

After considerable red-tape, a com- 
mittee of students (appointed by 
themselves) succeeded in matching 
the members of the student body 
with the illustrious members of the 
high and mighty faculty to an athletic 
meet. The meet was held March 6, 
Alumni Day, from 5 A. M. until 
9 P. M. in the M. A. C. Stadium. 
Special trains began to arrive early 
at the C. V. & B. & M. stations, 
consequently before the meet began 
there were thousands of spec-potatoes 
at M. A. C. waiting for the fiery fray 
to begin. 

Many prominent men among whom 
were the Hon. Geo. Zabriskie, 2nd 
(do not forget the 2nd), Judge Paul 
Serex, Jr., and the great statesman, 
Col. Arthur Geo. Wei gel, were present. 

The weather promised to be fair, for 
the sun shone brightly, the rain came 
down in torrents, and there was not 
a cloud in the sky. 

The results of the meet are given 
in logical order according to the im- 
portance of the events. 
Table Ping-Pong 

Rubber between Prof. Smith and 
Wm. Cowls Dickinson, '16. Won by 
Prof. Smith 3-1. "Susie" lost his 
head in this contest. 
Solitaire Contest 

Final won by Bell, '17. He's a 
devil in his own home town. 
Singing Contest 

Won by Prof. Haskell because of 
his sound practice. 
Dancing Contest for Fancy Steps 

Won by Hank Lincoln by a glide 
and a half. 2nd, Prof. Robbins, 
Physically fit, but forgot to put his 
formula on the dance order. 
Wrestling Matches 

Sty Farrar vs. Prof. Graham. Won 
by Sty, 2 falls out of 3. 

Dr. Cance vs. Chet Spofford. 
Won by Dr. Cance. Spofford mis- 
took this event for the mile run. 
Track Meet 

One Mile — Won by Prof. Hurd, 
2nd "Fat" Warren, 3rd Prof. Has- 
brouch. Time, 10 min. 42 sec. after 
the spectators left. 

1000 yds.— Won by Dole, 2nd Dr. 
Sprague, 3rd Prof. Prince. Time, 
8 min. before 6 P. M. 

300 yds. — ^Won by Mr. Kenny, 
the only competitor. Time, $5 and 

Pole Vault— Won by Prof. Hurd, 
6' 2" under the cross-bar. 2nd 
Butterick, 6' also. 

"Every Knock a Boost" 



Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00. 

"Sid" Masse, . . . Editor-in-Chief 

"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor 
"Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager 

"Gibby" Perry 

Society and Circulating Editor 

"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby. 


Introduction: Many stories have 
been written regarding heroes at 
college such as "Stover at Yale," 
"How I Won My Numerals," etc. 
Therefore it is only fitting and proper 
that we should have an M. A. C. 
hero. We herewith give the thrilling 
account of Eujust Watchmee during 
his four years of college life — not 
Freshman College Life. 
1st. Stanza 

As the stalwart young fellow 
alighted from the B. & M. train he was 
astonished to find such a large number 
of fellows there to welcome him. 
Even the captain of the fencing team, 
Fig Newton, was there. Fig thrust 
for an opening and shook hands with 
our hero, Eujust Watchmee. Eujust 
handed his valise to the Dean of the 
college to carry up to his room. 

That night young Watchmee found 
that all the fraternities were after 
him. A member of the Mecca Sigs 
handed him the makings and invited 
our hero to call around to the house 
any time. One of the Cheepa Taffa 
Price men told him how much more 
economical it would be to join his 
crowd. He was also favorably im- 
pressed with the perfumery that the 
I-Vori-Sopes had on. The Slappa Thi 
crowd seemed too rough and the Rye 

Stu fellows only had six members of 
the football team, five varsity base- 
ball men and no Phi Kappa Phi men 
in their frat. Finally Eujust told 
them all to go home because he 
wished to retire. Before he showed 
the fellows the door, our hero sent 
George Pelican, captain of the foot- 
ball team, up to the post ofifice with 
his mail. 

Eujust Watchmee found that his 
room-mate was nothing less than a 
rough-neck and even had to go so far 
as to command him to go behind 
the screen while our hero undressed. 
His room-mate was an upper classman 
and a member of the Etiquette 
Society for the Extinction of Cordu- 
roy Trousers. 

The next day, after having his 
breakfast brought to his room by 
Chet Scoff hard, the night clerk at 
Draper Hall, Watchmee went up to 
college to register. 

As he entered the office of the 
Registrar, Professor Hasbrouch said 
"Good morning, young man, let me 
welcome you to Aggie before signing 
your card. Here, have some makings." 

"Sir, I have no time to waste here 
in idle conversation, "answered Watch- 
mee, "I wish to register." 

"Very well," exclaimed the Regis- 
trar, "what is your name?" 

"Oh, take your time," was the 
retort, "wait until I fetch my card 
from my case." 

"I beg your pardon, for hurrying 
you so. I did not mean it but there 
are fifty fellows in line now," the 
Prof, apologized. 

At the treasurer's office our hero 
found it to be his painful duty to 
thrust four or five seniors out the door 
for trying to get ahead of him in the 
line. The president of the Senate, 
Belcha Towne, was present and was 

"Every Blow Above the Belt' 

about to explain that it was a custom 
for seniors to go ahead of underclass- 
men," but some one whispered to 
him, "Sh, that's Eujust Watchmee." 

Instead of bothering with seeing 
the Dean, our hero decided to send 
him word to call around to his room 
some night. 

That afternoon, young Watchmee 
went out for the football team. 
Tlie coach was so pleased to see 
him that he had the youth run to 
North Amherst and back instead of 
going around the field. When Eujust 
returned from his little jaunt, he 
practiced falling on the ball and the 
coach sent the rest of the squad up in 
the tower so as to get a bird's eye view 
of how our hero did it. 

It is impossible to describe Watch- 
mee's popularity. Even the co-eds 
wanted to know him. 

At this point Watchmee bravely 
walked out of this chapter, so you 
will have to wait until next week to 
read more of him. 


When Prof. Hart speaks to "Reg" 
Hart we'd call it a heart to heart 

If Chisholm could only use his legs 
to as good advantage as he does his 
arms there'd be few that could beat 

If we all can come back in the 
future looking as prosperous on alumni 
day as some of the alumni did 
Saturday there shouldn't be any 
kick coming. I wonder how many 
of those sporty-looking alumni are 
still owing Kenny money on that 
$12,000 — student loan that we read 
about in the recent bulletin? 

Mr. "Peter" W. J. Mahoney was 
more or less in our midst Alumni Day 

looking very prosperous now that he 
is a working man in the world. 
Pete had a '91 button turned upside 
down to show that he was a '16 man 
for two years and a half. 

March 13th will be Thanksgiving 
Day at Aggie, the Short-Horns are 
leaving. Short prayer meeting in 
the chapel, Brother White will lead 
the prayer. 


I caddot sig the ode sogs 
I sag so log ago. 
Because I hab a bad code 
By dose is stopped up so. 
I kno dab sprig is here 
I s'bose you know id too. 
Id sure don't bhng do cheer. 
Oh, dabb this code — cachoo. 


In order to help the support of the 
Summer School Croquet Team, the 
following articles are to be sold at 
auction in the Social Union Room: 

1 Barrel of steerage prunes. Every 
one allowed one bid except Ches. 
Life membership ticket to the Pro- 
hibition Club. 

1 set of second-hand false teeth, 
guaranteed not to become lost in the 

2 dozen invitations to the 1916 
Junior Prom. 

1 dozen guesses, each in a separate 

2 Cows — only taken down with the 
Foot-and-Mouth disease last week. 

1 bench of fresh paint — no ladies' 
bids allowed. 

1 baby carriage for the Benedicts' 

With the coming of Spring, you'll need 
some repairing for that cold or the Spring 
Feverr— It's a long way to Hot Springs but 
you can easily reach 

The Aggie Apothecary 


The college teaches you how to use your 
powers of observation. I can help you to 
put your powers of observation into practice. 
O. T. DEWHURST (Formerly Pearl's) 

201 Main St., Northampton 


OFFICIAL: Scottie is going to fight to 
give the best work for your money. 

Hooper— The Red Light Shop 

Anything that agrees with you will agree 
with your pocket-book; be agreeable and eat at 

Regular dinners and suppers and special 

Life is a game of chance but the less you 
monkey with chances the safer you are. 
The best chance you have is the opportunity 
to insure with 

Barlow, over the Amherst Bank 

Get your hair cuts and shaves from 
Spencer and you won't have to dodge the 
"slashing wop" down town. 


If there is anything you want and we 
haven't got it, then you shouldn't have it, 
for we've got everything you need here. 


Where PARAMOUNT Pictures are Shown 



When Fud Hunger thinks he is about to 
put the K. O. over on your stomach fool him 
by having a good feed at 


A good clothing business is always founded 
on the strength of its patronizers and satis- 
faction always leads them back. Get wise, 
a lesson learned well is never forgotten. 
Learn the reason at 

A, T. GALLUP, Inc. 

292, 295, 297 High St., Holyoke 

You don't have to imitate a donkey after 
purchasing. here. No cause to kick.- If you 
know a good thing when you see it take heed 
of a good hint and patronize 


If you can roll the ball straight down 
the alley without rolling off the alley we'll let 
you roll all night. Try it at 


Rear of Amherst City Hall 

The Bell-Wether of fashion leads the 
sheep at the call of the shepherd to the home 
of good men's furnishings. That's at 


As long as 

DOOLEY'S INN, Holyoke 

You can be sure of the best of meals and 
satisfaction in every way. We serve to please 
and are pleased to serve Aggie men. 
Meals at all hours. 

If you've got a sweet-tooth, sharpen it 
up on our crackers, cookies, and confectionery. 


Our new styles in footwear have just come 
in. Come early and avoid the rush and look 
over our stock. It's worth while. 

BOLLES' Shoe Store 

Don't forget that we've got the very ties, 
shirts, and furnishings that you and all 
well-dressed men want. 


If you can read, then you have need to 
visit our store to get what you require. 
We won't charge you anything if you wear 
out our threshold. 

Amherst Book Store 

"I'm satisfied — couldn't be better," is the 
way all the fellows express themselves after 
having their pictures taken here. Visit my 
studio and let me show you the quality of 
my work. 


In answAiing advertisements, please mention the "War Cry" 



FRIDAY, MARCH 26, 1915 

NO. 19 


Scene — Buck's Cafe 
Hero — 

Hooperup, the Handsome Waiter 
Minor Characters — 

Miscellaneous Bums 
Time— 6 P. M. 
Enter — Bilious Bummer Bradley. 

Seats himself down in a clamly 
fashion and with a dignified air 
utters in a protudinous voice, "Waiter, 
bring me some chicken croquettes." 

"Fowl ball," shouts our hero 
Hooperup, through the rat hole. 

Enter — A highly esteemed gentle- 
man, alias Capillus Boiar in disguise 
of a protozoan. 

Struts about as if he owns the 
place, then suddenly he throws him- 
self vociferously in a nearby chair, 
and whispers in the ear of our illus- 
trious hero, "Bring me a glass of 

Our waiter hastened up to the hole 
and with a gleeful voice yelps to the 
kitchen scullions, "Let's all in." 

But alas 'tis sad but true, our 
hero's voice has tingled outside of 
its boundaries and has reached the 
ears of a popular stage artist, Sir 
Buts Burlesque if you please. He seats 
himself down in a lordly fashion and 
because of his tipping ability is 
waited on immediately. "I will have 
a glass of milk too," without giving 
our illustrious hash slinger a chance 
to ask him what he wished. 

"Who left the door open," is now 
heard uttered by some of the bean 
eaters. But dear reader you will be 
glad to know that a prominent 
social lion has entered upon the scene. 
I won't keep this a secret but will 
let you in on it. This individual 

hails from the notable burg called 
Turners Falls by some, and by others 
who know the place "Little Germany." 
He calls himself Puffer Sawdust but 
we recognize him as the "Social 
Lion." He sways in a lazy fashion to 
his customary stall and lounges him- 
self in the chair nearby. 

"Frankfurts and sauerkraut, good 
and hot," he yells to our oilcloth 

"Two Fido's and a bale of hay," 
shouts our hero, "and let 'em sizzle." 

Thus the scene finished for our 
guests' appetites have been utterly 
put to rout by the feed which the 
King of Them All is throwing into his 
bread basket. 


(The only story in existence as tedious 
as "The Perils of Pauline") 
Chapter H 

With his 10 o'clock lunch wrapped 
in a leaf from his "Manual of Guard 
Duty," our hero is once more in our 
midst on the campus. He felt very 
proud of himself for here he had 
alread^^ been away from home for a 
whole week and he was not in the least 
bit home-sick. Well, you wouldn't 
be either if your prep, school had 
been the Concord Reform School. 
He remembered well his prep, school 
song which was much like one of our 
own — "Crash thru the line boys, 
battle down the guards." (Watchmee 
himself, had escaped the reform school 
guard to the tune of this song). 

That night instead of attending his 
"Night Shirt Parade" as every polite 
freshman should, Eujust decided 
that he should keep a date with his 
beloved, Cleo Patrick, the unknown 

'Every Knock a Boost" 



Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00. 

"Sid" Masse, . . . Editor-in-Chief 

"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor 
"Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager 

"Gibby" Perry 

Society and Circulating Editor 

"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby. 

belle of Amherst. Eujust was no differ- 
ent from any freshman. They all ex- 
perience the thrilling love of the town 
dames until they learn better. Well, 
anyhow, Cleo was different from the 
rest of the girls of the town. The 
college had offered her a job as 
stenographer of Grinnell Arena, so 
that she could be nearer young 
Watchmee. Mr. Sauchelli, a noble 
senior, had suggested that the Arena 
be used as a dance hall for Informals 
so that such men as Dick Sears, 
Ben Sanders and such species, co:;ld 
kick up more dust and perform the 
Dutch Roll more safely than in the 
other barn. Therefore, Cleo lost her 
chance to become the dashing stenog. 
of Grinnell Arena and keep account of 
the saucy prehistoric weddings, etc., 
at the Select Parties. 

Recklessly Eujust Watchmee drew 
his sweetheart into Adams' Drug 
Store so that he could dissipate in an 
orange phosphate at one of the tables 
and be far from the public gaze of the 
Blind Men's Union and other heavy 
batters of the third team who might 
chance to enter. 

"Sweetheart," he murmured dur- 
ing a gargle of the phosphate, "lend 
me a dime and we shall order up 
another drink." 

"Aw, take yer elbow off me gum. 

yu ninny," answered the companion 
of our hero. (Cleo lived on the 
Aggie Gold Coast ever since her 
childhood days, and had, therefore, 
fallen into the same drift of speech 
that the Gold Coasters used). 

Strange enough, Eujust Watchmee 
found it unnecessary to borrow any 
money from his fair one, for he was 
right within reach of the cash register 
and the occupants and employees of 
the store were at this moment care- 
fully watching how the new stamp- 
machine worked with a plugged nickel. 

Just then our hero decided that he 
had better take a little walk for Prof. 
Hicks had entered and told Watch- 
mee he could not get any credit for 
Physical Education by exchanging 
love pats and coos, so our scene 

Note — Keep you eye on this spot 
until our next number and note the 
scene change. 

We wonder if James T. Nicholson 
is responsible for this little addition 
under his ofhce hours : 

The members of the faculty and 
Prexy may see. me by special appoint- 
ment provided the matter is of especial 


If there's one man we pity that's 
Caldwell. If "Bones" don't make 
any more profit on his papers than the 
WAR CRY has made on the last few 
issues, he is a martyr to journalism. 
This is not an ad. for "Bones" or a 
cry for help from us, but if you want 
the WAR CRY to exist buy your own 
paper and stop reading someone 

The Ways and Means Committee 
may consider putting an extension 
on the Waiting Station. 

'Every Blow Above the Belt' 

The food in the Hash House is 
improving. A new gravy with less 
beef has been added to the menu. 
We haven't hit your salle de mange 
for so long a time that we couldn't 
resist this one, Harry. 

Babbitt, '17, don't believe in fussing 
this week nor last week. 


1. To show your strength of mind, 
go without a hat even on the coldest 

2. Discard your sweater, remark- 
ing, "Why, this is spring weather." 

3. Never hesitate at getting your 
feet wet. It's a sign of hardiness (also 
foolhardiness) . 

4 Upon contracting a cold, sneeze 
and cough as much as possible among 
your friends. Why suffer alone? 

5 Before retiring at night see that 
the window is shut perfectly tight. 
Nothing is more harmful than breath- 
ing pure air. 

6 By staying out in the April 
showers you can do away with the 
curse of the basement shower baths. 

7 Plaisted is forever putting his 
foot in it. Therefore, don't sleep 
with your mouth open. 

8 As Prexy says, go out for 
baseball. Remember Lincoln (not 
Abe) had never been out for debating 
before he came to M. A. C. 

9 Last but not least — Don't kick 
this month (April). Many a good toe 
has been ruined the first of April. 




Setting your mattress up for a 
dummy, casually approach same and 
fling yourself at it. Try to secure a 
Half Nelson hold and without knock- 

ing the table lamp over or breaking 
the furniture hop on the left foot 
while the right foot is being rubbed 
with liniment by an assistant. You 
are now ready to Fox trot. 


Heard in a downtown Butcher Shop 

"Mr. Cleaver, how do you account 
for the fact that I found a piece of 
rubber in one of the sausages I bought 
last week?" 

"My dear madam, that only goes 
to show that the automobile is 
replacing the horse everjrwhere." 


•pB9H STq uo pu-eq-S oq. p^q aq JI 
Abav amos :^t re ;9S p,9i{ Avau^^ dj\^ 
:pB9j ApT3dj\e s-BH 9q ui9od siqx 

qsij B o;. Aj3 ivj\/\^ ■£ J9S'BiW |],aAV avojsj; 
•jwoqs B JO pui>i :}.SB9| gq^. s:i.9S 9i{ jj 
'Aioi{9uios q.1 puij \\fi\\ :i.9q noA :}.na 
: Avou>i o:^ :tou :n|Sno 9q §uiq:^9mos s,;i 

9iqs9Jj '3 
'V "lAI u'^ s9uaoAV §UTq:|.Au'B s^9J9qq. ji 

Those who have not secured their 
letter in track had better go in 
training immediately for we have our 
doubts as to whether most of us will 
be able to go home to-day. Brooks, 
"The Railroad Magnet," wants to 
run his train when we prefer to run. 
We hope dear reader, that you are 
at least in the pink of condition, 
for it's a long way to dear old "Bean 

Serex, lecturing in Chem. 4: "This 
group is the most difficultest one that 
you will have." Good chance for a 
little missionary work by the English 

"Gee, that's a good smelling cigar; where'd 
you get it?" 

"At the Aggie Apothecary." 


You can't have a look-in on any good time 
unless your eye-sight is O. K. You better see 
O. T. DEWHURST (Formerly Pearl's) 

201 Main St., Northampton 

It is hard to be pressed for five dollars, but 
Scottie can press your suit for fifty cents. 

Hooper— The Red Light Shop 

It isn't safe to be in Berlin but it's safe to 
eat at the 


Regular Dinners and Suppers, Special 

One man in every seven is hurt in a rail- 
road accident during the year; don't take a 
chance on Brooks' Special Train but get 
insured now with 

Barlow, over the Amherst Bank 

Let _a_ real Barber cut your hair now instead 
of waiting until three months is up to see 
your Barber at home. 


The place to get breakfast when you miss 
chapel. Everything in the line of eats. 


Where PARAMOUNT Pictures are Shown 



"Comfort" never spells "extravagance," 
but "satisfaction." You are always sure of 
comfort and satisfaction at a reasonable 
price at 


Will the Boss send for You, when the better 
job is open? This isn't a correspondence 
school ad, but it means that the boss will 
expect jou to be neat and v/ear such men's 
furnishings as can be had only at 

A, T. GALLUP, Inc. 

292. 295, 297 High St., Holyoke 

Spring would be a weary season, if it wasn't 
for the swell clothes and men's furnishings 
to be had at 


If you can get three strikes called on you 
on a Bowling Team, you needn't think of a 
strike in Baseball. Strike out at 


Rear of Amherst City Hall 

A fellow with ill-fitting clothes is like a 
fellow who puts a "Packard" sign on a "Ford" 
car. Get fitted right by getting your furnish- 
ings at 


You can rest assured that there will be no 
quarrel or misunderstanding between your 
teeth and your stomach if you eat your meals 

DOOLEY'S INN, Holyoke 

Get a box of our confectionery to enjoy on 
the Special Train when going home this 
vacation. It's cheaper in the end and the best 


Get your shoes at Bolles, the price never 
bowls you over. It's a chance of a lifetime. 

BOLLES' Shoe Store 

Stands alone — in a class by himself — 
always satisfying, never disappointing. Best 
of Goods — Best Workmanship. 


'Whistle" Woolley, '16, Agent 

Read, and with your reading get under- 
standing, so that when you read this you may 
learn that the Best of Fiction and Stationery 
Supplies can be had at the 

Amherst Book Store 

Seniors! You can find satisfaction and the 
best prices for your pictures at this studio. 
Come in and talk it over and you'll not go 


In answering advertisements, please mention the "War Gry" 



FRIDAY, MAY 7, 1915 

NO. 20 


The Freshman president raised his 
hoary face out of the bowl of noodle 
soup and breathed for air. He looked 
around and concluded that these 
bearded youths were actually his 
classmates who had assembled for a 
feed after having evaded the 1917 
man-eating crew. There was a horri- 
ble smell of rubber in the hall which 
was found to be due to some of the 
Freshmen getting hot under the 
collar because it was rumored the 
Sophs had not sent any congratu- 
lations. Some of the men had already 
become famous, busts being made of 
them by a few ferocious Sophs. 
There had been quite a barbeque in 
the banquet room when the Chinese 
cook was seen to have had a haircut. 
There were at least a dozen Fresh- 
men that had a shave and one man 
had stopped to use his napkin during 
the meal. The fact that some of the 
men wore a rapt expression was due 
to the fact that they had come in 
with a terrible bundle (clothes?). 
After the President had obtained the 
attention of the fellows he exclaimed, 
"Classmates, we have won a glorious 
victory, which — " But just at that 
moment he fell asleep with the rest 
of the class. They had only walked 
35 or more miles. 

F. O. B. 

If it takes an ostrich three seconds 
to eat a cement sandwich, how long 
would it take a woodpecker with 
a glass eye to bore a hole in a hole 
through a piece of hash house pie. 



Last night I held a little hand, 

So dainty and so neat, 
I thought my heart would 

So wildly did it beat. 
No other hand unto my soul 

Can greater solace bring, 
Than that one which I held last night, 

Four aces and a kin2:! 


(Why girls leave home) 

Soph. — "Say, Freshie, got anything 
in your head that bites?" 

Indignant Freshie — "Of course 

Soph. — "Better see your dentist, 


Little drops in water, 
Little drops on land. 

Make the aviator 

Join the heavenly band. 

Look what 
rone DRY. 

he misses — 'Hamp's 

Amherst Farmer — "My wife kisses 
me evenings when I arrive home from 
'Hamp late." 

N eighbor — ' ' I n vestigation ? ' ' 
Farmer — "No, it's affection now." 

Why was Eve created? 

For Adam's Express Company. 

'* Every Knock a Boost 



Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00. 

The War Cry announces the board that will 
take up the work from now on. We can 
safely guarantee that these men will put out 
War Crys that will be the best possible and 
we hope all the fellows in college will help 
to support the paper and help these fellows 
to put out a humorous paper that will be the 
equal of that of any other college. We know 
these fellows can "deliver the goods' as their 
work in the competition recently run, was of 
the best nature possible. The board is as 

"Fritz" Larson, . . . Editor-in-Chief 
"Flooi.e" Buckman, Asso. and Dept. Editor 
"Bingo" Jones, . . Business Manager 

"Hopeful!" Warren, 

Society and Circulating Editor 

"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tahhy. 

Well, here we are again, after a 
leave of absence of over a month. 
We are about to play the role of the 
oft-mentioned "Come-back." Receive 
us with open arms and we are yours 
for three cents. 

For a year at least, one old joke 
can be said no more. It used to be 
a common remark, "What were you 
doing on the last car last night, 
Bart Ender?" The last battle was 
fought April 30th so we were told, 
even the Prohibition Club and the 
Y. M. C. A. being represented. 
The crepe now hangs on the door of 


The vnie of a certain man has been 
married three Her maiden 
name was Partridge, her first hus- 
band was named Robbins, her second 
Sparrow, the present Quale. There 
are now two young robins, one sparrow 

and quales. One grandfather was a 
Swan, and another a Jay, but he's 
dead now and a bird of Paradise, 
Canary Island, and the one who wrote 
this is a Lyre. 


Mrs. Swordfish didn't raise her 
boy to be a soldier or a sailor either, 
so instead of sending young Sword- 
fish to West Point she sent him to 
Aggie, of which General Boyer had 
blown so much about. The youth 
detested drill, claiming that it bored 
him, his father being a carpenter. 
Just for spite, young Swordfish drilled 
his worst each year, used up his cuts, 
and fell asleep whenever the com- 
mand "Parade Rest" was given. 
Until time camic around for his 
Junior year, sad to relate the boy 
was made a first lieutenant with the 
rest of the officers. From a true, 

Almost any of the Profs, will agree 
that the Twilight Sleep is a fine 
thing, but they don't like the way it is 
practised in class-rooms by some of 
the fellows. 

The Juniors had a close vote on 
their "Wet vs. Dry" Junior tree 
planting, 45 to 43 in the favor of the 
"wets." From what we heard of 
the affair (and we ought to know) 
some of the "drys" were just bashful 
at their previous class-meeting for 
they represented the Siege of Booze 
Rum by drowning out some of the 
so-called "wets." 


Harry Lauder, Houdini, and other 
notable characters of the same type 

"Every Blow Above the Belt" 

paid us a visit in the person of Scotty 
the sailor, the champion rope tier of 
Bonny Scotland. Even the Mighty 
Curran was foiled in the attempt 
to tie "Scotty" so he couldn't release 
himself. Scotty would sure be a good 
president for the Freshmen Class dur- 
ing the banquet season. 

A Sophomore during a promenade 
with a Smith girl made this remark: 

Freshmen caretaker — Did you 
see those autos skid? 

Smith Blonde — Sir, how dare 
you call me that? 


'There was a little lawyer man 
Who gently smiled as he began 
Her dear dead husband's will to scan. 
And thinking of his coming fee. 
He said to her quite tenderly 
You have a nice fat "legacy." 
Next morning as he lay in bed 
With plasters on his broken head. 
He wondered what in h — he'd 


The man who got 90: "Gee, wot 
a pipe! I reckon I nailed that for 
a high one. 'N I didn't bone for it 
neither — all you gotter do is use 
your bean." 

The man who got 70: "Some 
quiz! Nothin' much hard about it, 
but it sort of got yer goat. I'd have 
had a hundred only " etc., etc. 

The man who flunked: "Well, I 
ain't no crabber but that's what I 
call a raw deal. Nothin' in it but 
memory work — gotter learn the whole 
book or else yuh get stepped on. 
What the heck does that prof, think 
he's givin' us?" 


There is a man who never drinks 
Nor smokes, nor chews, nor swears; 

Who never gambles, never flirts 
And shuns all sinful snares — 

He's Paralyzed. 

There is a man who never does 
A thing that is not right; 

His wife can tell just where he is 
At morning, noon and night — 

He's Dead! 

Soph to unsuspecting Fresh — Look 
here you mut, you want to keep your 
eyes open around here. 

Frosh — Why? 

Soph — They'll think you are crazy 
if you go around with them closed. 

Wallie Dodge, trying to kid a girl: 
"Oh yes, I have a lot of pigs to take 
care of. Have to feed them three 
times a day,. . . .etc." 

Probably Wallie was thinking of 
his job in the Lunch Room. 


Little drops of water. 
Little grains of sand, 

Make a dandy cocktail 
For a thirsty man. 


Senior — "I would kiss you if you 
were not in a canoe." 

She — "Sir! I wish to be taken ashore 
at once." 

When that tired feeling comes over you, 
just run into the "Aggie Apothecary" and 
have a cool drink or a college ice. 


You'll never get more than one pair of 
eyes so have your eyes examined by 

O. T. DEWHURST (Formerly Pearl's) 

201 Main St., Northampton 

Now is the time to get out your white 
flannels and your summer togs and have 
SCOTTIE put a knife-blade crease in them. 

Hooper— The Red Light Shop 

You're sure to get the best for your money 
when you eat at the 


Regular Dinners and Suppers, Special 

You'll never get sick from eating heartily 
of good food. That's why it is best to eat at 

Eddie's Columbia Cafe 

It is hard to study these days, so why not 
use up your cuts in Barberology. 


Mr. I. Scream Cohen will be pleased to 
meet all the students at the 


Where PARAMOUNT Pictures are Shown 



Now that college is drawing to a close, it is 
best to enjoy a few more good meals at the 
"Home of good feeds." 


It's time now to buy your summer clothes. 
We have the best line of men's furnishings, 
such as v>^hite flannels, negligees, caps, etc., 
to be had anywhere. 

A, T. GALLUP, Inc. 

293, 295, 297 High St., Holyoke 

We won't invite you to drop in here because 
we would rather have you remain on your 
feet while purchasing. We offer a variety 
in shirts, ties, suits, etc., that will prove to 
you that Sanderson & Thompson's is the 
Spice of life. 

For an hour or two of good fun in the 
coolest place in Amherst there's no place like 


Rear of Amherst City Hall 

You can spend your money as you please' 
but if you want to spend it to please yourself, 


Now that Holyoke offers more oppor- 
tunities than 'Hamp, it is wise to spend your 
good times at 

DOOLEY'S INN, Holyoke 

Get an easy chair, a good book, and a 
pound of our best crackers and you'll be 
able to spend a good evening. |- 


It is time to discard the over-shoes and 
high-boots and buy a pair of the best low 
shoes to be had for money. 

BOLLES' Shoe Store 


If you are not insured yet it is time that 
you had a talk with Barlow. Wooden 
overcoats are not going to be the style this 

Barlow, over the Amherst Bank 

Practice economy, not by buying cheap 
books, but by buying good books cheap at the 

Amherst Book Store 

The best place to have pictures taken is at 
the place where the most care and skill in 
workmanship is used, that's at 


In answering advertisements, please mention the "War Cry" 



FRIDAY, MAY 14, 1915 

NO. 1 

Don'ts to the Visiting Neophytes 

DON'T get delirious if you see great 
numbers of men walking around 
with black cheese cloth thrown about 
their bodies and a pecular hat on 
their heads. They are not under- 
takers nor mourners. They are 
absolutely harmless and have but 
this one bit of covering for protection. 
Speak to them as you would your 
own father. 

DON'T start up from your table 
in the Hash House and rush out of 
the door if you see the eats flying 
around in the air about you. Your 
potatoes may get cold and if your 
coffee is strong enough it will run 

DON'T run down the street in 
your pajamas or your night dress, if 
something like the sound of wild 
Indians comes to your ears. It is 
only the Varsity Marble Team prac- 
ticing on the floor above. Besides 
the night is liable to be chilly. 

DON'T faint at any uprising. It 
is much more difficult to take care of 
yourself when unconscious. 

DON'T make too many ac- 
quaintances with the feminine sex 
during your stay, for there are hardly 
enough to go the rounds as it is. 
Better wait until you become a Fresh- 
man. Then opportunities are plenti- 
ful. Not so Brethren? 

DON'T offer to pay any car fares 
while you are riding in our illustrious 
"Baby Carriages." Let your escort 
pay, we are all floating with money 
up here. 

MATER, then you will appreciate 
a few of these DON'TS. 

The Friday War Cry 

Minus the preliminaries of blowing 
of trumpets and sounding of symbols 
the first number of the second volume 
of the War Cry makes its first appear- 
ance on the campus under the leader- 
ship of the new board. We sincerely 
hope that it is accorded one of the 
heartiest receptions ever tendered 
the paper by the student body. We 
shall endeavor to merit the good 
opinions of the fellow students and 
to do our utmost in producing a paper 
which shall be humorous and at the 
same time equal a similar paper of 
any other college. 

But in our endeavors we desire 
that the fellows not only support the 
paper financially but hand in any 
humorous articles as well as short 
stories. Therefore show a little co- 
operation with us, for "A good laugh 
makes us better friends with ourselves 
and everybody around us." 

Let us therefore, dedicate this 
issue to High School Day, and show 
the visiting neophytes that M. A. C. 
is a college and the only college on 
the map. 

If you have one laugh lurking some- 
where inside after you have read this 
copy — the next number will surely 
get it. Don't forget! Better have 
your three cents ready for the next 

Our last word is — Don't worry 
about the old fashioned man who 
used to burn midnight oil studying 
books and now has a son who burns 
midnight gasoline studying girls but 
do a little reading in the War Cry 
to your friend in the colleges "over 
yonder." There is more than one way 
to be able to stand in right With het". 

'Every Knock a Boost'* 



Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00. 

"Fritz" Larson, . . Editor-in-Chief 

"Flooie" Buckman, Asso. and Dept. Editor 
"Bingo" Jones, . . Business Manager 

"Hopefull" Warren 

Society and Circulating Editor 

"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby. 


Fellow nickle chasers and P. A. 
Butt Snipers, including members of 
the Phili-loo-loo and Pelican Clubs, 
I have arrived. You ask, who I 
am? and how did I drift into this 
burgh. Well, coming down to potato 
pie, I am the guy who's come to 
put the "War" in the War Cry. 
But before continuing any further, I 
think it best to kind of get a little 
confidence in you, my Pelican Gobbers. 
So I will tell you how I came and 
what I didn't see. I arrived last night 
on the Knickerbocker Freight, and 
lustily, but softly fell off at the C. V. 
station. I started up that lively 
thoroughfare and soon my eyes were 
dazzled by the great white way in 
the center of the town. The first 
thing I hit was the beef trust, which 
appeared in person as the Cheese of 
Police. I inquired from him where 
I could locate the headquarters of 
the 'War Cry." He directed 
me precisely but "dear reader." I 
could not continue any further for 
my old carcass was on its last leg and 
needed winding up, so I permiscuously 
stepped into a nearby cafe. Now, 
then I threw a few beans into my 
gullet, which I could almost hear 
running a race down my oesophagus 
and making a final dash for my 

bread basket. I soon filled up my 
vacant tenement and as I was about 
to depart, a nimble neophyte came 
in, to whom I was introduced to as 
my employer. We immediately pro- 
ceeded to the headquarters and now 
that I am located, before going any 
further I want to give you all the 
glad hand and offer you the privilege 
of bed and board with me as long 
as I hold this job. Furthermore as 
I want to get in right, I offer to your 
approval a can of P. A. which will 
stand on my desk, and can be used 
more frequently or less so. 

Now then, amorous asses, I will 
open a column in the War Cry known 
as "Light Handouts" and I am at 
your disposal to answer all questions. 

If your razor is dull, be sure that the crease 
in your trousers may serve in its place. 
Therefore patronize Scottie. 

Hooper— The Red Light Shop 

The King is Dead. Long Live 
Queen Lulu Fado 

"Who killed King Tango?" 

"I," said the Cheap Sport. "I did 
it with coarse exhibitions and my 
offensive vulgarity. I killed King 

"Who saw him die?" 

"I," said the Willie. "I saw him 

"Who caught his blood?" 

"Not I," said the Mount Holyoke 
girl, "for the fact is I was not at all 
sorry that the beastly creature ex- 
pired, and I quite refused to ease his 
moribund agony. ....." 

"Who'll make his shroud?" 

"I," said the Smith damsel. "I'll 
smile engagingly and I'll weep dis- 
tressfully and I'll make his shroud." 

"Who'll toll the bell?" 

"We," cried Livermore Hank and 

**Every Blow Above the Belt** 

Pussy Foot. "We'll toll the bell 

because he is a jolly good fellow and 

has a rotten bad reputation. We'll 

toll the bell." 

Then everyone assembled for the 

, funeral obsequies, although there was 

' more or less doubt as to whether 

i King Tango was really dead at all ; 

afterwards they held a dansant where 

the Gaby Glide and the Fishcake 

Flop were seen in all their glory, and 

nobody went home until morning. 

Don't let the Hash House starve you over 
Sunday night, but try a special Supper for 
two "bits" at 

Bias & Phillips 


The Sins of Our Fathers 

The corner stone of the old Chem. 
Lab .was just about to laid. "As I ded- 

licate this here noble edifice," wheezed 
the speaker of the occasion, "my 
heart swells with pride and my liver 
is distended with joy and prune pie. 
As the students of future years trip 
lightly to this happy realm of test- 
tubes and H2S, they will bless the 
memory of you and me, particularly 
me. May this building be sacred to 

■the cause of science, to the glory of 
Texas and the suffocation of Fresh- 

Little he recked how his fondest 
wishes would be fulfilled. 

I Every suit is different and made to fit the 
[man — we do not force the man to fit the suit. 
Just come in when you're ready, our Spring 
and Summer materials are all here. 


Our Hero at M. A. C. 

(Continued, and maybe forgotten) 

Our hero, Eujust Watchmee, had 

not favoured our beautiful "Adgye" 

Icampus very long, before he noticed 

that the Legion of Fussers headed by 

Cunny Blough and Fud Bisher knew 
where things were doing. Of a late 
summer evening in the fall, they would 
don their blazers (at least Cunny 
did), and their Transparent Trousers, 
pay their six cents, and come home at 
midnight blowing about "the time" 
they had had. The worst of it was 
that the Campus heard about it for 
two weeks after. 

Eujust had a loving one at home, 
but like all the rest, he thought he 
could get away with it on the Wilds 
of Dippy Hill or the steps of the 
Pepper box. So he accosted the 
Veteran at the game, who was none 
other than our friend, Eddie Selkregg. 
Sell knew a good thing when he saw 
it, so our hero asked him for a knock 
down. That is not the way most of 
our freshmen meet the Fluffs — usually 
the Informal Com. is looking for trade, 
and offers to be the go-between. 
But Watchmee was different. (So 
is this story). 

The Best Hunting Ground, thought 
our hero, was Across the River; so 
he hired Louis Picard's best Car for 
the paltry sum of Twelve Cents. 
The car was crowded with fifteen or 
more seniors standing, but an Upper 
Classman ordered a sophomore to 
dust off his seat, which he then offered 
to Watchmee. Our hero grasped his 
meaning, as well as the opportunity 
and took the Load Off His Feet. 
Our Hero, with a saving grace 
boarded a Schooner Coming across the 
Bar as soon as he had alighted from 
the car. No, Gentle Reader, Hamp 
is not a sea cost town. Far from it. 
Even the Ocean Breezes are dry there. 
Neither was it According to Hoyle to 
Carry On the way he did, but he 
Thought he knew how to impress 
Her from Moscow, Pa. A Bunch of 
the Girls were grouped about the 

"Every Knock a Boost" 

Reception Room, or rather Torture 
Chamber,of the House as our hero and 
his Escort entered. They soon left, 
however. All they wanted was to 
see Who It Was. They were dis- 
appointed, because they all knew 
Selkregg. Eujust Watchmee made 
great headway That Night. Before 
they Went Back to the House, they 
were engaged — to take supper to- 
gether Some Night at the Sign of 
the Retired Pirate. 

Eujust had a wonderful Line, and 
made Fud Bisher angry next Morning 
by telling about His Girl. Fud 
thought the only one who had a Right 
To Talk about such things was 
Himself. Eujust wanted an Informal 
right away, so he told Lanny Dewis 
to Decorate the Hall and Order the 
Music. Lanny was game, but the 
Student Body was not and there 
Arose Strife. Nevertheless, they Had 
One, and Charged the Sheep two 
Bones, to make up the Deficit. It is 
needless to say that both Hank Lincoln 
and Bill Saville was there. 

Not long after, our hero was asked 
by Captain Alert Main to Come Out 
For the rifle team. He told him that 
they were going to shoot with the 
University of Washington in two 
weeks, and that they needed Our 
Hero's help. A trip to the State of 
the Giant Redwood looked good to 
Eujust Watchmee, so he decided to 
make the team. Like all true heros, 
ours had no especial love for his new 
Alma Mater to tempt him, but the 
trip sure did Look Good. In our 
next, we will try to tell our Faith- 
ful Readers how the Popular Hero 
made good, or didn't as we feel. 

Where PARAMOUNT Pictures are Shown 



According to the Cape Cod Inde- 
pendent, a much-harassed farmer' 
on the Cape posted the following ■ 
notice : , 

"Notis Trespassers will be prose- { 
cuted to the ful extent of 2 mongrulJ 
dogs whitch aint never been overly ' 
soshule to strangers and 1 double- j 
bad shot gun whitch aint loaded withl 
sofypillars, dam if aint gettin tired I 
of this hel-raisin on my property."; 

It is peculiar that the sophomores ■ 
found the same attitude on the part;i 
of the inhabitants of Sunderland.* 
Watch for "notices" in the Hampden i 
County League Adviser. - 'i 

Tess — Does Annette use cold cream? 

Bess — Yes, she puts it on to keep the chaps j 

Antidote, Buy a box of Liggett's Chocolates t 
and she will refrain from using it. Seej 
"Shorty" at ; 



"Mrs. John — and family, of Msyj 
street, wish to express their gratitude i 
and thanks to those who assisted in | 
their late bereavement of the late i 
John — . Also those who sent flowers 
and the singers." 

— Hays Corners Record. 

At that, the singers might have 
forgotten to go, if some kind soul had 
not sent them. 

We have but two eyes to see the Chapel j 
Clock, and if these fail you had better have 
them examined by i 

O. T. DEWHURST (Formerly Pearl's) I 

201 Main St., Northampton j 

^ — • I 

A Greenfield merchant advertises ! 
a "full line of skirts and waists." 
That's nothing, every back yard in 
Amherst has one on Monday morning. 

Why go away down town to leave your 
hair for future use in making matresses, 
when you can depart with it right here in 
North Dorm. 


"Every Blow Above the Belt'* 

Woman 91, Growing New Strands 
of Golden Tresses 

— Boston American. 

Not so wonderful as the way 
"Loose" did it at 19. 

Don't wait until your socks stick on the 
wall when you throw them at it, before you 
get a new pair. Come and look over our new 
spring stock. 

CAMPION, The Haberdasher 

About the Campus 

"I hear that we have a new Prof, 
in Gardening." 

"What's his name?" 
"Oh, 'Carrots'." 

John D. Rockefeller gives $10,000 for the 
protection of the college man's soul. Get 
yours repaired with modern machinery at 



Of Interest to 1917 Professors 

(Too true to be Sad) 

Time — During the Banquet Season. 

Place — Sunderland . 

Characters — Two Sophomores. 

Chorus — A few Kids. 

Soph, to the Kid — Have you seen 
any students around here? 

Kid to the Soph. — No. 

Soph, (endeavoring to find out if 
the kids knew what a student was, he 
asked) — Do we look like students? 

Kid to Soph. — Of course not, you're 

If you wish silken ties and silken hose. 
And silken handkerchiefs to blow your nose, 
If you wish for these and many other things. 
Visit F. A. Shepard for he's the King. 

One of the greatest comedians of 
the country visited the college and 
kindly informed the comedians in 
our production that they needed no 
make up whatsoever. Less cost for 
paint and funny faces for Nick, but 

very discouraging to his comedians 

H and M in future chances 

of getting married. 

Fannie's fetching fishballs for the Freshmen, 
Gaby's gargling goldfish for the Soph's, 
Olive's opening oysters for the Seniors, 
And Jennie's juggling juleps for the Juniors. 
Don't miss the fun and the eats at 

DOOLEY'S INN, Holyoke 

It is a wonder that a few of us are 
not laid up, after passing through 
such a rough Banquet season. New 
ideas for future Banquet Season's 
rules are expected from our fair 

If you have so much to do that it makes 
your head swim to think of it, then don't do 
it. But get a feed at the 


The Solid? Column 

The Why's, the Where's and the 
To prove a rotten potato is a 
Bee Hive. 

A rotten potato is a Spec — tator. 
A Spec — tator is a Be — holder. 
And a Be — holder is a Bee — hive. 

Q. E. D. 
To prove a ton of coal is a colored 

A ton of coal is a weight. 
A weight is a short pause. 
A short pause is a short-stop. 
A short stop is a ball player. 
A ball player is a fowl catcher. 
A fowl catcher is a colored man. 
Q. E. D. 

We, like Germany, Want a Place in the 
Sun. (Even if Northampton is dry.) 

Try our delicious Strawberry Short-Cake. 


''Every Knock a Boost" 

Has It Happened to You 

"Going to the Sophomore-Senior 

"Sure. You?" 

"Yep, got a dance?" 

"Yeh, what one do you want?" 

"Oh, how about the eleventh?" 

"Taken; have you got the six- 
teenth open?" 

"That's all right." 

"Oh, by the way who are you 

"Me; I'm a stag. And you?" 

"So'm I." 

Let Barlow tell you something about an 

insurance policy. 
Who knows, you may be a dead one tomorrow 
Therefore, do me the favor, don't be long, 

But get insured. 
Barlow, over the Amherst Bank. 

Terrible, horrible! What an awful 
crime has happened in Northampton. 
The newspapers shriek with the gory 
headlines. Someone breaks into 
Dickey Rahar's and paints on the 
mirror in front of the bar, BUTTER- 
MILK 5 cents a GLASS. 

Have you just the picture you want to 
give her? 

Have you arranged for your Fraternity 
picture? We can rush an order for you. 

High Grade Photographs 


The Yellow Band; or From New 
York to San Francisco by Freight 

This enticing serial may be seen 
on the films of any up-to-date moving 
picture house from San Francisco 
to New York, hence the title — . 

— Editor's Note. 

It was a hot, midsummer day in 
Galveston, Texas. It was also mid- 
summer in Pelham. A jitneybus came 
racing down the street. It was racing 

with its exhaust, which was so strong 
that it insisted on getting ahead of 
the car. A passing glimpse into the 
car would have revealed Sheerluck 
Burns, or as he spelt it when dis- 
guised, Beerluck Shurns. He was 
wrapt in thought. Fortunately, he 
also had other clothes on. At a signal 
from the passenger, the jitneybus 
swerved around a corner and dashed 
down a side street. Just before a 
low-lying house next to a disreputable 
looking saloon, it stopped, the jitney, 
that is. 

Sheerluck leaped to the sidewalk, 
and with one bound was inside the 
house. Fifteen minutes later, the 
doors of the saloon opened, and an 
evil-looking tramp burst onto the 
landscape and proceeded to clean up 
the sidewalk. He was none other 
then Sheerluck Burns in disguise! 
He picked himself up and walked 
around the corner until he was away* 
from the street and outside of the 
sight of the street. Then he boarded 
the jitney once more. Just then, as 
he saw Sheerluck get in, a heavily 
built man came out of the house on 
the other side from the saloon, 
swinging a dinner pail. He was also 
disguised, because he usually carried 
his in a bag, a la hash house. The 
stranger hurried down the street, 
and just then Sheerluck comes from 
behind the corner in his rear. Wonder- 
ful Sheerluck had had presence of 
mind enough to drive around the 
block just after he left the saloon! 
Now he is in position to track the Great 
Mystery. The G. M. hastens at a 
moderate pace, down the street. 

He hurries into a book store, buys 
a copy of the "House of Seven Gables" 
and reads it through as he passes out 
of the shop. Beerluck, true to his 
name, has taken the opportunity 

"Every Blow Above the Belt" 

to stick true to his disgusted name, 
and comes out of a Life Saving 
Station just as the G. M. comes out 
of the shop. However, Sheerluck is 
wiping the back of his hand ofif with 
hisHps. The G. M. hastens down the 
street once more, with old Sheerluck 
tagging along behind. Finally, the 
former darts in the doorway of a large, 
quiet-looking house. 

Sheerluck used his ingenuity, and 
"Entered on Probation." He found 
himself in the cellar, and proceeded 
to rummage around. There were a 
number of large packing cases around 
the room. They were all addressed 
to a large company in South America. 
Sheerluck had a very great suspicion 
that they contained arms and am- 
munition, and so opened one. His 
surmise was only too true. He 
emptied it, took a ham that had 
been hanging near, and entered the 
case. He pulled the top on after 
himself, which goes to show how 
really clever he is. Not long after, 
an expressman came and hauled 
the boxes away. 

(To be continued) 
Notice: The remainder of this 
film which was taken at great expense 
in South America, will be shown in 
the near future. 

Compliments of . . . 


Dear Light Handout: 

I am very anxious to learn how to 
dance, but I do not wish to pay any 
money for the instruction. I have 
tried dancing to street pianos and got 
along very well, I thought, until one 
day a fresh little son-of-a-gun pointed 
at me and said "Oh Mother get a 
monkey wrench father is a nut." 

Can you tell me some expedient 
method of learning the art for I would 
like to take in the Sophomore- 
Senior Hop. I am a bear with the 
ladies and have all kinds of engage- 
ments for the summer school dances. 

— lamanut. 
You are only one of the young 
men that have asked me to advise 
them on this subject. I will write 
you a personal letter. Meanwhile 
I would advise you to buy "Fatimas" 
and save the moving picture booklets 
enclosed. If possible see Sippy God- 
win he may be able to teach you a 
few steps. 

Get all the supplies in your Athletic and 
Fishing Major and a new line of Rods, Fish- 
ing Tackle and Baseball Goods at 


Newsdealer and Stationer 

First Simple Nimrod — Hey, don't 
shoot! Your gun isn't loaded. 

Second S. N. — Can't help it. The 
bird won't wait. — Harvard Lampoon. 

Don't let the blind lead you to bookless 
libraries, but lead yourself to the store where 
books are plentiful. 

Amherst Book Store 

Warning — Fresh Paint 

The letter was freshly daubed 
And the sign revealed the fact; 
But the passers-by all had to try. 
How fresh paint does attract! 

A sign-painter's working across the 

His work is quite exact : 

How fresh paint does attract! 

As we sat in a corner behind the palms 
I couldn't resist the act, 
And I touched her lips with my — 
finger tips. 
How fresh paint does attract. 

"Every Knock a Boost 

After Reading the Issue 

First Reader — I wonder what 
courses the men who make up these 
jokes are taking? 

Second — Embalming ! — Siren. 

A Note From the "Old Man" 

Moses Wiseman, who owns our Building, 
says his son at college saves him a lot of 
money by trading at our store. Impossible 
to duplicate our line of furnishings. 

A. T. GALLUP, Inc. 

293, 295, 297 High St., Holyoke 

Medicine of Course 

"I didn't know you got paid for 
your vivisection work, Jim." 

"What makes you think we do?" 
"r overheard Jack say that Satur- 
day night you opened the kitty for 
five dollars. — Minnehaha. 

A cow doesn't give condensed milk nor is a 
cigarette nutritious, why not nibble on some 
good cookies while studying. 


Swift Matrimony 

First Stage Hand — What was the 
row out front during the first scene, 

Second Stage Hand — The under- 
study nursemaid got excited and 
carried in the heroine's baby when 
it wasn't due to appear until three 
years later in the fourth act. — Punch 

Did you ever bowl with cue sticks? Come 
down and see our new imported game. 


Rear of Amherst City Hall 


Dip — You should use opera glasses 
to watch Annette Kellerman. You 
can't see her very well with the 
naked eye. 

Dope — No, but you can see her 
with the eye almost naked. — Jack 

They are christening autos with beer, why 
not cool off your oesophagus with an ice 
cream cone. 


Distressed Damsel — Oh sir, catch 
that man! He wanted to kiss me. 

Pensive Pedestrian — ^That's all 
right. There'll be another one along 
in a minute. — Williams Purple Co. 

The Home Chocolate Pie 

A Favorite Dining Place for Aggie Men 

Eddie^s Columbia Cafe 

Yankee — What makes the streets 
of Boston so crooked? 

Doodle — Let me smell your breath? 
— Lampoon. 

The dear little girl you left behind beckons 
you to buy some college seal jewelry for her. 

'' S. S. HYDE-Jeweler 

An aged German and his wife were 
much given to quarreling. One day, 
after a particularly unpleasant scene, 
the old woman remarked with a sigh : 
"Veil, I vish I vas in heafen!" 

"I vish I was in a beer-garden!" 
shouted her husband. 

"Ach ja," cried the old wife, 
"always you try to pick out the best 
for yourself!" — Everybody's. 

We Moved in a Wheelbarrow, and are 
prepared to sell you the best of Home Made 
Candies, Ice Cream and Fruits. 


From the German 

"Do you play chess?" 


-Sun Dial. 

Mr. I. Scream Cohen as well as Mrs. Aggie 
College Ice are prepared to fill all spaces. 
Mr. Peanut Bag is also on the job. 

Amherst Fruit Store 




FRIDAY, MAY 21, 1915 

NO. 2 

The Lu-Lu Bird Says: 

Do me the favor, don't be long. 

Has Buttrick roped you in? How 

We should study maps. 
Aren't we attending a co-ed in- 

A man's hair is easily parted. 

I've lived by the ocean all of my life 
And the most beautiful sight by far 
Is a mahogany sea — and coming at 

A schooner across the bar. 

It is all wight now. 

My boy Vermer can plow as 
straighter furrur as any on 'em. 

My boy Vermer he got a b — oil- 

Osceola, King of the Seminoles- 

Take your time, George, take your 

Militarism Rampant 

The first meeting of the Jingo Club 
was held in the Unsocial Union 
during Wednesday drill. Don Wil- 
liams, worthy President and Most 
Royal High Scazoosh, took the chair 
amid thunderous applause, during 
which the fall of a pin could have been 
heard. "The first business of the 
day," he observed as he cracked a 
hickory nut with his gavel, "is to 
vote on the following motion: 'Re- 
solved, that Senior drill be made 

compulsory, and Prof. Neal. elected 
as assistant to the Commandant'." 

There was a scuffling sound in 
the rear of the room, as Gawk Plaisted 
arose from a horizontal to an upright 
position. "Worthy President," he 
remorked in a ninety horse-power 
whisper, "I move an amendment 
reading, 'Be it further resolved that 
all men over 6 feet high be barred 
from the army, as they are too tall 
to stand in the trenches'." There 
was an approving murmur from Bud 
Fisher, Ed Hill and Husky Suther- 

After a good deal of argument the 
motion was about to be passed by a 
unanimous majority vote, when the 
well-known cheer leader, Tommy Har- 
rocks, made himself heard. "Mr. 
President," he chirped, "the time has 
come for an expression of authority. 
I protest against the tyranny of 
Senior drill, also of Junior, Sophomore 
and Freshman drill. The man who 
has lived on the firing line at the 
hash-house cannot be freezed by the 
dull splosh of a dum-dum bullet. 
The man who has survived Chem 2 
cares nothing for the stench of noxious 
gases. The man who has banquet- 
scrapped with Hagelstein will not fear 
the onrush of the Prussian grenadiers. 
The man who. ..." 

At this point the Jingo Club 
adjourned to watch a game of pinochle 
tennis, and the outcome of the 
momentous motion will never be 

Mr. Rand: Now, just get these 
fundamental ideas down in your head, 
and you'll have it all in a nutshell." 

" Every Knock a Boost" 



Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00. 

'Fritz" Larson, . . . Editor-in-Chief 
'Flooie" Buckman, Asso. and Dept. Editor 
'Dink" Jones, . . Business Manager 

'Hopeful!" Warren, 

Society and Circulating Editor 

"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby. 

Moments at the Courses 

Agricultural Economics 
The Professor trips lightly into the 
room and navigates up to the desk. 
He spends five breathless minutes 
sorting over some papers, and looking 
for something which he seems to 
have lost. Finally he reaches up to 
scratch his head in perplexity, and 
there he finds the missing article. 
It was his hat which he had forgotten 
to remove. The Chapel bell rings. 
Five minutes later, the first stragglers 
come in. There is a murmur from 
outside: "They're always crabbing 
the course." The roll is called, six- 
teen names being answered present, and 
only fourteen in the room, unless we 
count the prof, and a picture of 

"Herve Riel." "Mr , how is 

it that the status of winter wheat 
makes an extractive industry out 
of the Appalachian Plateau?" There 
is a confused murmur in the room, 
and the victim mumbles something. 
"Very good." 

A belated traveler sneaks in. The 
prof, looks up in surprise. "I could 
not find the bulletin you sent me for, 
Professor, but she says it will pro- 
bably be in in the morning." The 
professor blinks, and nods. The 
B. T. takes a seat amidst the admir- 

ing glances of his classmates. The 
prof, covers a board with several 
columns of figures. "I have placed 
here the figures showing the distri- 
bution of the amount spent annually 
for cigarettes in the United States. 
They should total up to 
$986,549,304,235.89. Let us see if 
they do so." Five minutes work 
shows that they come out 88 cents. 
"There seems to be a difference here 
of 1 cent." He consults several papers, 
looks at the board in bewilderment, 
and rubs his bald spot. Then he 
looks through a little green book, 
and then a red one. Somebody 
asks: "Is that a '4' or an '8'?" 
He points to a figure. The professor 
tries to get his line of vision, and 
after about five minutes, the pro- 
fessor shows him that it is a "5." 

He erases half the figures, and puts 
them down again. This time, they 
come $106,549.82 out of the way. 
The prof, gasps, and takes a new hold 
on his chalk. He covers two more 
boards with figures and lines, and is 
still sweating over the sum, when the 
bell rings. He points to another 
board : 

"Over here, I have placed the 
imports of the U. S. for the last 
ten years. Kindly copy, tabulate, 
index, and compare with the exports, 
for next time." A groan goes up, 
but the prof, is back at his sum. 

Where PARAMOUNT Pictures are Shown 



The Bell Has Rung! Don't be a "tail 
ender," Buy Your Straw Hat Now. Follow 
the crowd, Upperclassmen and Freshmen to 
the "Store of Satisfaction." 


"Every Blow Above the Belt' 

The Hall of Shame 

It was a sultry day in late Septem- 
ber. The scene was the Phi Kappa 
Phi Assembly, and on the scene was 
the suffering Student Body. The 
Speaker of the Occasion had just 
risen with his white whiskers flowing 
in the breeze from the potted palms, 
and was about to wheeze out his 
lullaby, when a voice piped up 
from the freshmen: 

"Would you Grant that Geb Perry 
might look Fuller if he should Hyde 
Smith and Lovejoy?" 


There is a wizard's charm in the meal 
that Dooley serves to you. Take a ride to 
Holyoke and drop in and see him. 

DOOLEY'S INN, Holyoke 

From the musical comedy: The 
Report (er) is that when the Plu 
to-dancer plays that Little But trick 
on Mattoon, Ed Hill will Rockaway 
for a Good win. 

Come in and have a Shave, Shampoo and 
Haircut; then complete the job getting a 
Shine, Shower-bath. We specialize in the 


The Amherst and Sunderland St. 
Railway has bought a new horse 
car to run between here and South 
Hadley Center, which they are going 
to name after Fisher. Oh what we 
know about you, Bud. 


Have your physiognomy taken before it 
is too late. Patronize Home Industry and 
see the High Grade Photographs. 


"The annual Indoor Basketball 
Tournament between classes at Smith, 
closes this week. The Seniors now 
lead, but if the Juniorz play the 

Freshmen by the Sophomores before 
the closing game and the Freshmen 
meet the Juniors, and thheee osxz|| 
the Seniors play the Frekslzf the 
champinship will be decided longg f 
febore the If -2 Send." 

— Boston American. 

At that, they did not take into 
consideration that Amherst may claim 
the championship. 

Some students eat to live, other live to eat. 
We can please both "livers" and "eaters." 
After June first all meals A la Carte. 


All Italy United 
In War Cry 

Rome Scene of Mighty 

Demonstration by 

All Classes. 


The classes here take the ''War 
Cry rather quietly, though it is like 
pulling teeth to get the three cents 
out of some of them. 

You can't do without us! You can't study 
without books! And you can't afford to buy 
anywhere but at the 

Amherst Book Store 

The voters buried Northampton, but Dickie 
Rahar held his own. He still serves his good 
feeds to the Aggie Men. 

King Alcohol has left but 


The Bloke : Were it not for a safety 
device, if the bolt were not entirely 
closed, an exploding cartridge might 
throw the bolt back in the face and 
injure the gun. 

Attention! Recruits of the Sunrise League. 
Limber up your "Glass" arm by bowling a 
few strings at ' 


Rear of Amherst City Hall 

**Every Knock a Boost" 

"Bareheaded all the Way" 

The frequent playing of the national 
anthem kept the President's head 
bare during most of the review. 


That's more than a good many 
"American citizens" did High Scliool 

Our story is a short one — We cater to 
the Aggie Students' Wants. Tell us your 


Don't go Blind! Think of the sights that 
you will miss. You had better pay a visit, 
before it is too late, to 
O. T. DEM^URST (Formerly Pearl's) 

201 Main St., Northampton 

Prexy assured the sub-freshmen 
that we manufacture weather here 
to suit ourselves according to our 
needs, but he did not mention the 
fact that Prouty is developing a 
breed of self -swatting flies. 

Stop! Read — It might make you think. 
A smile removes obstacles, but a pound of 
our best cookies paves the way for studying. 


"Things Aren't Always What 
They Seem" 

{Two minutes after the exam..) — 
Aw, that was a cinch. I crashed that 
easy! Right between the eyes! 

(One day after the exam.) — Of course 
there were a couple of little things I 
didn't get quite right. 

(Two days after the exam.) — Say, 
I think I got two questions all wrong. 

(Three days after the exam.) — Pass 
it? Well, I should say not! I flunked 
it cold. — Yale Record. 

Genius is usually frayed at the trousers; 
mediocrity is run down at the heels; but 
Success is always well dressed. Obtain 
Success at 

A. T. GALLUP, Inc. 

293, 295, 297 High St., Holyoke 

May Brides 
June brides and all brides will do well 
columns of the Boston American 
To choose their homes from those 
advertised in the "Apartment to Let." 
Maybe they mean the April brides 
married in July. 

To be sold at once, 223 Slashed Skirts. . 

'Nuf Sed. Mr.'I. Scream Cohen, Auctioneer. 


The freshmen at least, have taken 
an interest in the new department, 
"Light Handouts." All questions 
gladly welcomed and answered after 
being printed. 
Dear Light Handout: 

What v/ill we be allowed to do to the 
Class of 1919, by way of welcome, 
when the freshmen appear on the 
campus next fall? Wanta No. 

Dearest Light Handout: 

Last Wednesday night, after the 
movies, I saw a dip picking Smithie's 
pockets. As he removed the watch, 
Smithie started to run one v/ay, 
because he felt he was losing time, and 
the dip went the other way. What 
shall I do? 

C. All. 

You don't have to get up early in the morn- 
ing to see the value of Eddie's meals. 

Eddie's Columbia Cafe 

You have your life in your hand, and only 
a few more weeks before college closes. You 
had better see Barlow immediately so that 
your conscience won't bother you. 

Barlow, over the Amherst Bank 


®f)e Wav €vv 

Vol. II 

No. 3 


Commencement dumber 



I am not selling pants ! 

Nor do I wish to press pants ! 


for the 

"-WAR CRY"- 


hereby subscribe for the 


for 1915-16 
Subscription Price $1.35 



looK for 




month ! 

When speahing to advertisers please mention the War Cry. 

School and College Photographer 

Main Studios 

1546-48 Broadway, New York 

(In Times Square) 

Northampton^ Mass. 

South Hadley, Mass. 

Brooklyn, N. Y. 

Poughkeepsle, N. Y* 

West Point, N. Y. 

Cornwall, N. Y* 

Princeton, N. J. 

Lawrenceville, N. J* 

Hanover, N. H. 


The Home of College Men When in Springfield 



—303 Main™ 

Two minutes walk from the station 

Program for (Eommrnr^mFnt 

Saturday, June 12 

3-00 P.M. Baseball Game, M. A. C. vs. Amherst, at 

Pratt Field. 
7-00 P.M. Class Sing. 
8-00 P.M. Concert by Musical Clubs. 
9-00 P.M. Fraternity Banquets. 

Sunday, June 13 

4-30 P.M. Baccalaureate Address, Chapel, 

President Kenyon L. Butterfield. 

Monday, June 14 

9^0 P.M. Sophomore-Freshman Baseball Game, 

11-00 A.M. Junior-Alumni Parade. 
3-00 p.m. Competitive Drills. 
4-00 P.M. Regimental Parade. 
8-00 p.m. Original Musical Comedy, Academy of 
Music, Northampton. 

Tuesday, June 15 : Alumni Day 

9-00 A.M. Meeting OF Trustees. 

g-30A.M. Senior Class Day Exercises. 

11-00 A.M. Business Meeting of Associate 
Alumni, Room G, South College. 

i-oo P.M. Alumni Dinner; Members of the Class 
OF 1875, Special Guests. 

4-00-6-00 P.M. Trustees' Reception, Informal, Drill 

6-00 P.M. Alumni Class Reunions. 

8-00 P.M. Senior-Sophomore Hop, Drill Hall. 

Wednesday, June 16 

10-30 A.M. Commencement Exercises, Address 'by 
Hon Carl Vrooman, Assistant Secretary of 
Agriculture, Washington, D. C. 

Published once a month at Massachusetts Agricultural College 




F. e. Larson, '17, Editor-in-Chief 
'17. Associate Fditor H. E. Jones, '17. Business Manager 
H. M. Warren, '17, Society and Circulating Editor 

$135 a year 

" Quid agis age Aggie''"' 15 cents a copy 


June again, and time to bid adieu to another parting band of wayfarers. 
June, and the air once more punctuated with whirling canes— in company with 
flannel shirts and corduroys; once more the curses of the poor unfortunates are 
heard in the land, as their newly donned robes catch between their legs on the 
chapel stairs. tempora, mores! And meanwhile the Junior begins to assume 
a smile of tolerant dignity, and to think of delivering his cherished drill suit into 
the clutches of the nearest second-hand dealer; the Sophomore reflects with delight 
on the prospect of passing off his last dozen conditions and settling himself for 
a lazily majorful junior year; and the Freshman licks his chops and gets ready 
his warclub with anticipatory glee". 

What is to become of these Senior companions of ours, so suddenly torn 
from their accustomed Hamp? Shades of the River and Mountain! Why must 
we grow up for four years, dividing our time between Her and the pursuit of our 
dearly beloved M, only to be brought at last to the jaws of that horrible monster, 
Work? Is it indeed true that life is but an illusion and a vain thing? But stay, 
one joy remains from out the general wreck: the Dean's Board, cursed device 
of the Inquisition, will now fill "its insatiable maw with" other victims. 

Whither will these promising youths bend their steps? Alas, we know not. 
Swept up by the maelstrom of life and scattered over the face of the earth, a goodly 
number may even become useful citizens. But wherever and however they 
may fare, it is our fervent wish that they may ever remain true to the ideals they 
have held, true to the record they have held, and true to the girls they have held. 

The alumni are once more in our midst. We are glad to welcome them, 
glad to shake hands with them and, perhaps, glad to solicit contributions from 
them. It would probably do us good if we could know just what the older grads 
are thinking about us. What do they think about our Dean's Board deUnquents, 
about our pond parties, about our campus atmosphere, about our pathetic adherence 
to mildewed traditions? We trust they will be charitable, for once upon a time 
they also were students; they also were guilty of doing foolish deeds and thinking 
foolish thoughts. Cannot we be pardoned for a little folly now and then? 

Aggie is, no worse than other colleges. On the contrary, we are conceited 
enough to fancy that she is quite a bit better than the average. We are progressing, 
we are making growth, we are getting ahead. What more can the most anxious 
reformer desire? ■. 



The W«r Cry Corrie^ +o ^vvn 


Ushered in by a pack of ravening Sophomores, 170 meek and timid Freshies 
crept into view at the opening of the college year ; needless to say they were welcomed 
with enthusiasm and barrel staves. The rope pulls, the night-shirt peerade, 
the chapel picture rushes and various minor festivities occupied a great deal of 
time during the first few weeks. All this was somewhat damaging to scholarship, 
but the staid Seniors settling down into their last lap of college life, and the Juniors 
piously engaged in getting adjusted to their majors, provided a studious background 
for scenes otherwise full of carnage. 

The first gridiron battle took place on the Dartmouth terrain September 26, 
and sad to report, we were repulsed with considerable loss. The next engagement, 
however, resulted in a complete victory over Holy Cross. With various vicissitudes, 
our football team plowed through the season, and although defeats were encoun- 
tered in the final games with Tufts and Springfield, we had no cause to feel dis- 

At election time an item of excitement was the congressional campaign con- 
ceived, organized, and carried out by our worthy Dean. In order to foster the 
sense of humor that had hitherto been latent within the student body, an active 
Lewis Club was formed, and great was the enthusiasm thereof. Although our 
impromptu stump speakers pointed with pride and viewed with alarm, our candi- 
date received the mitten by several thousand plurality. Another case of poll evil. 

The hockey season resulted in an even break for Aggie, that is to say, an 
even break in the games, not in the ice. Although the schedule included Harvard, 
Yale, Princeton, Dartmouth and other colleges of the first rank, we came out 
with no fewer than five victories, and no more than five defeats. 

On Lincoln's birthday an event occurred which interested quite a number 
of students. This event was the Junior Prom— a brilliant function quite out- 
stripping all previous records in the matter of low gowns and high expenses, early 
headaches and late hours. 

Trorn Hcscow 

^■l-hle-1-.c 'Field iCS 
vs+ill on "Hhtr Job 

Financial matters received attention in the early spring. The student body 
pledged an additional thousand dollars to the athletic field, and some of this 
was collected. An attempt was made to pledge the legislature for a five years' 
appropriation of a million dollars. $77,000 of this was collected. 


After considerable clamor from the student body, 
and a few remarks from the faculty, it was finally 
decided to give the far-famed and ill-famed banquet 
season another chance for its life. Against vivacious 
opposition, the Freshmen succeeded in holding their 
banquet, but rules were broken on both sides, and it 
is possible that next year the custom will go to take 
its place by the side of the abolished arena party. 

Qur baseball team, which began the season with much promise, has rolled 
up a record of several brilliant victories, and several brilliant defeats. In interclass 
athletics we have made considerable progress during the year. Baskethall, track, 
cross country and tennis have each received attention, and the annual Freshman- 
Sophomore contests in football and hockey passed off with great eclat. The 
interfratemity baseball games are a highly encouraging phase of our college athletics. 

In the development of non-athletic activities we have surpassed any previous 
year. The Roister Bolsters, presenting the Broadway comedy, "Her Husband's 
Wife," made a successful tour of New Jersey and southern New York, besides 
giving several performances in this neighborhood. A culminating effort is the 
musical comedy; when will there be such another? The combined musical clubs 
made a Boston trip during Christmas vacation, and at Easter performed before 
gaping (no, we don't mean yawning) audiences in the rustic sections of New 
Jersey. Shortly after their engagement in Paterson, Billy Sunday was summoned 
to that city. We do not, however, think there was any connection between these 
two events. 

It has been a busy year, a year of progress, a year of attainment. The 
watchword of "Leadership" has incited us to strive for high ideals, and let it 
be recorded that our striving has not been wholly in vain. 






Our diet: 

1911-12 Water 
1912-13 Milk 
1913-14 Tea and Coffee 
1914-15 Other Beverages 

This is the Hquid diet that most of us have followed during our four years 
at college. There is a bare possibility that some may have included "other bever- 
ages" (such as Horlick's Malted, etc.) throughout their other years. But the 
fact remains that despite all hindrances we have attained to that august state 
known as Seniorhood, and our progress reads not unlike a Nick Carter romance, 
"From Highwayman to Chief of Police in a Year." 

As Freshm.en we did not take the "water diet" voluntarily. It was forced 
on us, under protest. The Ponce de Leon of the 1915 Invaders was "Hank" 
Lincoln, who, to the delight of the savage Fourteeners, was the first to bathe in 
the Fountain of Youth. A number of others followed sait, including "Kippy" 
Goodwin, the Newburyport wonder, who insisted on giving an exhibition of how 
he used to dive for clams with his teeth. To this day "Harrol" McLain can't 
understand why the 1914 men thought so much of him as to invite him around 
to their exclusive bath. He never did any more than smoke on the campus, 
laugh loudly at inopportune times, and tell a few upperclassmen to go to the 
place where they don't have to shovel snow in winter. There were others of 
our embryo class who were capsized in the sewer, but the first three are excellent 

Although the college colors are maroon and white and our class colors are 
brown and white, nevertheless it was thought desirable to continually remind 
us of a certain bilious tint known as pea-green. As special guests of ' 14 we marched 

tl^rough the town shrieking "Green, pea-green, we're green," just as though 

anyone, except green Freshmen, would allow themselves to be driven about clad 
in pajamas. 

While we were not allowed to smoke during our first year, nevertheless we 
learned to "pull on the rope." The rope was not in the form of a Sunderland 
cigar: it was an object of contention between the Sophomores and ourselves, and 
while at the beginning of the struggle we were on opposite sides of the college 
pond, at its conclusion we were all on the same side. Needless to say, we yanked 
through the Sophs like wet clothes through a wringer. The pond has been in 
a more or less besmooched condition ever since. 

On May 3, 1912, the peaceful town of Amherst was awakened by a riot call. 
In Europe they term it war, but we call it "the Banquet Season." After starving 
at the hash-house for almost a year, we wanted to have an honest and truly meal 
in the form of a class banquet. Our same old guardians, the Sophomores, were 
insistent that our class officers should remain at home to grace the campus. But 
after a beautiful and spectacular Grand March through Amherst (somewhat 
different from the Grand March commonly indulged in at the Soph-Senior Hop) 
we made a successful getaway to Boston. 

After the festivities, we returned to Amherst for finals and Commencement. 
At midyears we had lost some of our comrades whom the faculty thought were 
too frail to continue such a course as the Toboggan Shute of Old Aggie. A few 
more were clipped off in June, but notwithstanding the importunities of "Billy," 
our favorite Prof., a goodly number were permitted to remain. In our first 
attempt at the inter-class sing we came out a close fourth. 


It is singular how three short summer months can make such a difference 
in a college man's life. We came back to Aggie, transformed from poor humble 
subjects into bold tyrants. Like any other Sophomore class, we owned the college. 
We were willing to receive a few such men as Prexy and "Pop" Hart on an equal 
footing, but we considered ourselves monarchs of all we surveyed. 

In bringing up the infant Freshmen we found we had a pretty disobedient 
and difficult crowd to handle. Not only that, but there were too many six foot 
"shorties" and German submarines, such as Schlotterbeck and Verbeck, opposing 
us. In a close game (everything was close except the score) we were trimmed in 
football by the Frosh, and the same sad story holds true with regard to basketball. 
The sixty man rope-pull was a regular six-day race affair, lasting longer than 
any in the history of the college. We pulled our durndest, having been told 
by the Juniors that a couple kegs of beer were on the other end of the rope— 
we were just ferocious enough to want to escape from that milk diet. 

As Sophomores we were all more or less afflicted with night-mares, in which 
hideous paramoecia, laws of gravitation, and assorted F. O. B. Amherst fertilizers 
figured largely. In the second semester we became nature-struck, roaming ever 
hither and yon in search of botanic specimens. Some of us accumulated lovely 
herbaria, including many rare specimens of rubber plants, flowers of sulphur, etc. 

"To be or not to be, that is the question" we answered with regard to Whether 
or not Charley Gould should be present at the Freshman banquet. So undecided 
(?) were we that we sent four delegates down to Brookline, Mass., to ask little 
Charley out for an airing in a nice automobile. Now, if we had sent a Ford with 
which to escort Mr. Gould back to Amherst, he might have had some cause to 
kick, but why he should have objected to a nice six-cylinder jitney bus is more 
than we can imagine. After coming all the way back to Amherst, Charley told 
us he objected because he was supposed to preside over the Freshman Goulash 
Feed in Boston. So overcome were we by this terrible news, that we broke down 
with hoarse moans. 

At Commencement we climbed up the ladder a peg by tying '14 for booby 
prize in the class sing. Just to show there were no hard feelings, we finished a 
glorious year by winning the class ball game. The milk was beginning to curdle, 
so we left off the lacteal diet and— 

Came back to sip our coffee and tea as jolly Juniors. Our class affairs were 
of a less strenuous nature than previously. We had no one to hamper us, for 
'16 was busy trying to "purloin the child '17." We, the ever faithful "nurse 
girls of little '17," tried to protect them, teaching them to "sic" the Sophs and 
raise hinky-dee generally. It was in our Junior year that we started to specialize. 
Some of us are just finding out that we were meant for something different than 
what our majors would seem to indicate; time will tell, however. We remember 
our Junior year particularly for its wonderful prom. It is hard to forget a thing 
like that, though we would like to forget the debts which accompanied it. 

When we regretfully left the company ranks at the close of our soldiering 
period, we were the last of the blue-coats. Since our uniforms could not be sold 
to the incoming Frosh, together with the radiators, chapel hymn books, etc. that 
are annually disposed of at a price, we made merry by burning the uniforms in 
one stupendous funeral pyre. In the class sing it was rumored that we took 
second rank, thus proving conclusively that Tetrazzinni's aren't made in a year. 

And now, after four notable years, we stand at the parting of the ways. The 
past few months we have behaved as Seniors should, not overworking ourselves 
except when it was rumored that somewhere there was a job to be given out. 
This is our only cause for worry— a job. We have acted at times almost dignified, 
and now we leave the "other beverages" of our Aggie diet, to taste the bitter 
fluids that the cold, cold world has to offer. 



JN THE r^fKTT^t^ op^ DROPS 

H^'S A MA W AprER ^|ATTY'& 


■WHEN he's tEApi/yc /\ c H t e «. 

HB fiLoiVs MKE A. STCea. 

Aryo M/s VOICE P.E50UNOS to the «ky 



H/& Face can Hoko Moae than 

Hic, B^Llc AK. 

Dotlv u«go.nwvtk 
Doc Se*rly 
THIS C'NK, YOt/'uc PfRCeive, 'S DOLLY, 

HE'LL BE A D^AOoAf So/f\e- P/\f, BY GOLlY 





If the Prof, looks grim when you speak to him, 
And then smiles like a bald-headed seraphim; 
If he sputters and stews like a dynamite fuse 

And tries to think how to break the news 

You've flunked, by Gad, you've flunked. 


When Sweatshirt meets Sweatshirt: 



"Whatcher goindoo s'afternoon?" : 

"Gotta work f'r th' zam." 

"Aw, why'ncher showsumpep? Cm on getcher tennisracket." 

"T'ellwitennis. I gotta dosumwork." 

"Whassamatter, ainchagotnopep?" 

"Sure I gotsumpep. Whassamatterwitchoo, doncherknow I gotta work; 

But we are impelled to draw the curtain on this painful scene. 


DIED, APRIL 28, 1915 
The Arena Party 

" Gone, but not regretted " 



4 c^y i^ \ 

Species : Peachibus fussibus 

Genus : Smith 

Habit of Growth: Clinging vine. A delicate 
perennial, growing best in hot-house at- 
mosphere. Flower: Papilonaceous, with 
two lips. Although easy to blossom out, 
it is not easy to leave. Specimens are 
excellent for pressing. 



"What points are desired in a cow?" 
"A cow should be of the female sex." 
"In judging a cow, how do you tell her breed?" 
"I generally speak it right out." 
"What foods make for milk production?" 
"Milk weed and cream of wheat." 
"But what does a dealer feed his cows?" 
"Milk weed and water cress." 
That will do, you may go to the head of the class." 

As the innocent bystander was bystanding around, half a dozen masked men 
jumped upon him and began to beat him up. 

"Help! Help!" screeched the I. B. "What are you trying to do to me?" 

"Rob you!" snarled the leader of the thugs. 

The LB. breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank God! I thought you were going 
to give me a college initiation." 


Beneath the team we've got a field 

For which we've had to pay: 
And all we need thereon's the fence 

We hope to have some day. 
Within the various dorms tonight 

We'll gather as of yore, 
For many 9, week will pass until 
, . r, We see old Hamp once more. 


"Open up your pocketbook, hand us out your kale; 
Defend your rep and show some pep, for we are on your trail; 
You have aided us before, and now we cry 'Encore!' 
Open up your pocketbook and put across some more — " 
For then we'll feel so gay, we'll bellow and we'll bray 
Mass-a-chusetts (!!) for-ever-more. 


I long to be a Senior, 

And with the Seniors stand, _ 
A mortar-board upon my head 

And a cudgel in my hand. 
I'd sally from these ivied walls 

And strut about serene; 
If anyone should give me pause 

I'd- swat him o'er the bean. 
For a Senior's life is jolly. 

And a Senior's life is gay; 
If he wants a job — why, he asks for it. 

And he gets it right away. 


Simp : Howja make out pitching coins ? 

Boob: Punk! I lost a dollar, and the worst of it was, ten cents of it was 
actually my own money. 



The youth who goes over the mountain, 

Seeks only for "culture," 'tis said; 
But what shall we say of the fatuous jay 

Who goes over for fussing instead? 
Alas for the joys of the spirit! 

Alas for the joys of the mind! 
A sweet little kiss from a sweet little miss 

Is worth all the world's cultures combined. 


Who vSqid- 
Dropjxsd-on ? 


The Bloke: Do you smoke Home Run Cigarettes? 
Billy: No, I sm.oke One Baggers. 
The Bloke: One Baggers! I never heard of them. 
Billy; Why, Bull Durham, of course. 

What are they; 


The youth whose heart is passion-tossed 

These lines will gladly lamp: 
" 'Tis better to have loved and lost, 
Than never to have loved in Hamp." 


Lab of our fathers, known of old. 

Thy stenches linger 'round us yet; 
Cease not thy odors manifold. 

Lest we forget, lest we forget. 
The fetid smell oi aitch- two-ess 

Enwreathes you like a coronet; 
We'd give most anything, I guess 

Could we forget, could we forget. 


He. Er-r, it's going to be good weather, don't you think ? 
She: Oh yes, quite so. .- . 

(Long pause) 7^ 

He(desperately) : But er-r, perhaps er-r, it may rain later ? / a 
She: Oh yes, quite so. 

(Large-size hiatus. Impressive silence.) 

Doc G-roht 


THIS. lAoiE* and offMrs 
■tmE rousiCAi. 
f, W6 /^Rf T6A1PTE.O 



CoMtOY t^lD 

'i8^i3" AA'C ^'A/ITA' 

the: war cry 


What is a roughneck? 

A roughneck is a cave man transplanted to the twentieth century. 

He beHeves in the cave man ideal: War at any Price. 

He holds a sustaining membership in the Razoo Club. 

He believes in the virtue of Class Prize-Fights. 

He speaks in awed tones of the College Customs. 

He righteously scorns the "greasy grind." 

He talks learnedly of the "burlies." 

He mocks at culture, and calls the cultured man a "mucker." 

He believes in "pep," and College Spirit pimples out all over him. 

He is proud of his biceps, of his cigarettes, and of his dean's board record. 

Are you a roughneck? 



"Where's the Prof. ?" is the general outcry as the bell rings and the professor's 
chair still remains vacant. 

"Yea, he's handing us a bolt!" some one remarks regretfully. Although 
loth to leave a scene hallowed with- so many hours of pleasant slumber, the class 
rises as one man and surges toward the door. At this critical moment, however, 
the Prof, suddenly appears and stems the tide of departing students. 

Amid general congratulations at the escape from so painful an adventure 
as a bolt, the class settles down to fifty minutes of congealed enjoyment. As is 
customary in opening a lecture, the Prof, spends some time fumbling around 
among a vast assortment of papers; during this ceremiony the class regales itself 
by singing "I didn't raise my Ford to be a Jitney," and similar pathetic ballads. 

And now, the usual preliminaries being concluded, the Prof, clears his throat 
with a noise resembling the raucous crunch of a pumpkin scraper, and addressing 

an imaginary audience in the rear seats he croaks: "Ah, er, let me see " 

The class leans forward in rapt attention. "Oh, er— r, let me see " (Sotto 

voce: "Well, who's stoppin' yer?) 

"Ah, to be sure Er— r, was not this the day appointed for a test?" Good 

God! He had remembered his previous assignment of a quiz! 

Some one remarks in a shocked_j,voice : "Why, we ain't goin' to have a quiz 
today, are we ?" - 

The professor consults his notebook, and then minutely examines a calendar. 
"Why, er— r, y— yes! We are scheduled for a test, er— r, on the natives of the 
Sandwich Islands." There is a militant chorus of groans. 

"Aw, I thought it was on the Hot Dog Islands." 

"Whaddaye mean, a test today?" 

"We ain't heard nothin' about a test!" 

"Let's have it next week." 

The Prof, looks perplexed. After running through a book on etiquette, 
he wheezes: "Very well, then, we'll take a vote on it. How, many want a test 
today?" One hand is raised, but the traitor is immediately garrbted by his nearest 
neighbors. ,■ 

. "How many want it next Monday?" Loud cries of assent. General enthu- 
siasm. /'^ I 

"Ah, er— r, er— r, very good. We'll have a test on Monday on er— r 

what was the subject? Oh yes, to be sure, on the habits of primitive man, with 
special regard to his frontal development and, er— r, to the evolution of his holo- 
photal pamphiliatic superconsciousness." 

But the class is undismayed. The Prof, has forgotten that Monday is a 



Scene: Our new 1870 model Chem. Lab. 
Time: Spring, fall, or winter. 

Characiers: One full throated baritone Professor ; fifty supernumeraries in lecture seats. 

"Naow, you take this here stuff over yonder and douse it in cold water; ye 

want to wash it good and plenty, see ? Naow, let -mfr tell you what this experiment 

shows: it shows that hydration occurs after hydrolysis, and that chabazite is 

a by-product in making basic slag or is it the other way 'round ? Well, anyhow, 

when you get this here solution you wanter filter it through charcoal (Hi, you 
boys up thar who are talking, you better watch out!) so you take it and add some 

ammonia into it let's see naow, what's the reaction here? Well, I callate 

I don't recomember it, but you can look it up in thfe book. (I say, you fellers 
up thar, if you don't stop talking you'll get it in the gizzard sure as preaching.) 

So then you filter the solution, just like this it's nigh impossible to get it started, 

but once she gets a-going she goes like forty. I tried this experiment daown 

in Texas and she worked first rate, but you can't most always tell there, I 

swan, she didn't work, but we'll try her again. Naow, you fellers wanter watch 

this pretty clus, for you'll like as not get it in the next quiz 1 vow, she didn't 

work that time either well, you see how 'twould be if she did work. I reckon 

that's all for this morning, fellers." - 

J. Epstein 




Of All Kinds 

Have your cleaning and pressing done by us 

Lincoln BIocK 

Come to A. J. Hastings 

Statioxer and Newsdealer 

Over the Post Office 

The War Cry sold here 


With several other companies competing, the senior committee voted unanimously 
to let Barlow insure them in the Connecticut General — a company 

in which most of the seniors are personally insured already. 
If you haven't taken out your policy yet, do so before leaving town. 

— ^See Barlow 

Over the Savings Bank 


To-day begins a new year— the date ofi the calendar does 
not matter. 

Start the day right, by visiting the "Aggie Apothecary" 
where the Alumni will hold their re-unions. 

Alumni Smokes, Sodas and Confectionary 

The "Aggie Apothecary " 

Adams Drug Store 

Commencement Guests 

Be at peace with the world while in Amherst,— eat at the 


Situated near the Campus, next to the Phi Sigma Kappa 





Metcalf has taken the "herse'' out of Amherst, and has 
put the town on the map. 

Come down and knock the pins off of the "Allies" 

Metcalfs Bowling Alleys 

In rear of the Town Hall. 

Commencement Guests 

The best and the only place to rest your weary bones, and 
ease your hunger. 



Is'nt it odd that no one ever has thought to take a 
picture of an earthquake ! 

It would be easier, however, than finding a better place 
to buy your books and stationery than at 

Amherst Book Store 


Eddie's Cafe still offers that far-famed course in quality 
of eats. 

Special attention given to the Commencement Guests. 

' Columbia Cafe 

The Home of Excellent Food. 

The best appearing man is always the one with the 

neatest clothes and apparel. 

How close do you come to being a man ? 

You had better visit Gallup's and get togged up for the 

Senior-Sophomore Hop. 

We have the best line of men's furnishings. 

A. T. GALLUP'S, Inc. 

293, 295, 297 High St„ - - - Holyoke, Mass. 


Woman must have the best of it, so be sure and have 

a supply of cookies and delicacies in the house 

and you are well fortified for entertaining 

your commencement guest 

The Store of Reputation 
The Grange Store 

I. M. Labrovitz 

Fine Merchant Tailor. Gent's Furnishings 

Will call and deliver work 

Full Dress Suits to rent and Dress Supplies 

Altering, cleaning, repairing, dyeing and pressing 

II Amity St., - - AMHERST. MASS. 

Stop! Look! List! 

Now that Commencement is here you had better pay a 

visit to Sanderson and Thompson and get 

some new togs for the "Hop." 

Your only chance, Alumni, to buy civilized clothes 


Berlin Restaurant 



Lunches put up to take out 

Special attention to large parties 

Open frorp 6 A- m. to 11 p. m. 


Summer School Students see us for a delicious line oj 


Attention Alumni 

Why not have some group pictures taken ? 

Nothing could serve as a better memento of your return 
visit to Aggie. 

The latch-string is always out at 


College Candy Kitchen 



The highest grade products at the most reasonable prices 

Orders delivered free 

"Bring in Your Friends" 

Prentiss' Busy Shoe Shop 

When in Holyofce, stop in and look over our line of yowng men's footwear 

364 High Street 

Opposite the Y. M. C. A. 








(Holyofce's Magfnificent New Hotel) 

Corner Maple and Suffolk Sts« 


On the Automobile Route to tlie White Moun- 
tains and Mohawk Trail 

100 Rooms v/ith Bath, at $L50 a Day Upwards 




After the Amherst- Aggie Game 

We^II all be happy. Celebrate the victory or defeat at 



The Happy Hunting Grounds for Ye Aggie Men